I've been meaning to in Each Day

As usual either life is humming along and I don’t think about writing, or I think about writing but haven’t figured out what to say yet.
I try to write after therapy because that seems to generate a lot of thought, but therapy is in 2 days which means it’s been 12 days since my last session.
Tina and I started a new thing, where I’d write notes to bring up in session, and she’d give me a cliffs notes version of my session so I can remember what we talked about.

Last sessions notes from Tina read:
Personality:
- storm in head
- brain works this way
- instability, energy, reactivity
Interpretation & Assumption:
- rejection
Schema/Belief:
- always wrong
- will get in trouble
Attentional Bias:
- prone to disappointment
Invalidation:
- not seen
Self Acceptance vs Self Shame
Underlying message of being wrong:
- not being acceptable
Taught to put emotions on a shelf

I googled Attentional Bias, because I don’t remember that connection, but a definition makes it pretty clear: Attentional bias refers to how a person’s perception is affected by selective factors in their attention. Attentional biases may explain an individual’s failure to consider alternative possibilities when occupied with an existing train of thought.

Anyway, still fighting my own brain. Something that came up in the last session was “maybe you don’t need to be fixed”, and this idea was reinforced by We Can Do Hard Things when Abby talked about embarking on her own therapy journey, and the three women laughed and laughed when the idea came up that therapy isn’t meant to make you perfect, and I had a big OH FUCK moment, because, WHAT DO YOU MEAN I’M NOT GOING TO BE FLAWLESS AFTER ALL THIS HORSESHIT?

The uncomfortable reality of my brain is that I have ADHD and I do not have medication to help me with all of the challenges that entails.
Therapy is meant to help me get my brain out of my own ass (recognising my potential, my strengths, and being able to rely on myself when I need to perform), but it’s not going to make me remember where I put down my fucking car keys on Friday afternoon, on Monday morning, when I’m already rushing to get out the door.

All of this aside, Another couple great weekends with M. Brunches with Red and Mandy. Craft night on Wednesday is still going strong (I’m learning to weave! And because of that I bought a frigging loom while actively decluttering my house aaaaahhhh). Work is interesting but not difficult.

The Uncluttered course is going well. It’s hard to keep on track because the “major” projects are ones I’ve gotten used to doing regularly, so they’re not much of a challenge. So I’ve been delving into fiddlier things, my box of nostalgia, to start. I have a bunch of stuff to scan, pictures to sort and get rid of duplicates. This weekend I went through our filing box, discarded a whole crapload of papers, and got my 1 large and 2 small boxes of nostalgia down to only the 2 small boxes.
This week is the kitchen, so M and I are going to do a cupboard or two every day, and then a blitz on the weekend. I. Cannot. Wait. This is the one area that gets the least attention organizationally, despite being the busiest part of the house.
Our hall is full of discarded items (M has missed 2 garbage days in a row, which means it will be 6 weeks between garbage days), I’ve taken 3 loads to the SPCA thrift store.
The house actually looks like a bit of a mess, projects half done, but I can tell you that I feel better about my spaces because I know there aren’t dark secrets waiting for me in the corners. I’ve kept all “project” items in a few boxes out in the open, and they will be the things to get addressed first, once this is all over. We’re on week 6 of 12, and after the kitchen is done, we start discussing how not to backslide into clutter again. This is where I need the most work.
Getting rid of my prime account has been fucking revolutionary. Wow. I’ve made one $50 order since January 7th, and most of those items sat in my cart for weeks before purchasing them.

Anyway, it’s late, I need sleep. Good night.