growing pains

by renslayer

Entries 10

Page 1 of 1

1 day ago

listening for art

I love those shades of blue and the gold and the roots and the clouds eggshell sheen, marshmallow white I am learning how to hear. I really feel that I am learning how to hear the answers in thi...

1 day ago


I have a vision for myself, where I am living poetry. Playing, learning, making art, excited to see, feel, smell the world, like a child ! Breaking apart the grammar of things to put them back t...

3 days ago


i just constantly have anxiety, dread, fear, unease, doom coursing through my body, like an electric wire. i meditate, i pay attention to my breathing, i try to visualize wellbeing, i try to do ...

i’m just. feeling. broken. i feel so misunderstood. i feel like people won’t listen to me. they’ll project onto me. people will pick on me when they want an easy target. and i’m trying to sh...

5 days ago


these past couple days i’ve constantly been on the verge of tears the only times i don’t feel like that, i’m in this foggy numbness

6 days ago

adderall crash

Attended a grad school career fair today (virtually). I learned more about what it takes to get into grad school, and have a better idea of what kind of program I want to apply to this fall. Tha...

7 days ago

practice --> power

practice makes perfect. if i practice power, i become more powerful. what does power mean to me? - following my heart - taking risks - remembering that i am embodied - nourishing this body ...

October 10, 2021


am in one of those writer’s blocks, but more like a life block. a vitality block. feeling like a hunk of lead. i’ve been feeling so lost lately. have been asking my dreams for guidance. the othe...

I made a list of every person I’ve been meaning to message back. It’s not like I have a ton of friends. I’m just terrible at replying to messages. My forgetfulness is so embarrassing. It makes m...

I just want to know if people see this. If you do, can you please comment something? Anything

Book Description

I’ve been journaling since middle school. I’ve started wanting to share what I journal about, with strangers. Maybe no one will read this. At least it’s on the internet. At least I can write as if people are reading it.
I think I’m lonely.
I have dreams of becoming an acclaimed writer. Some kind of radical intellectual who has something to say that people think is really important. I want to be known for how sensitive of a thinker, a feeler, a human I am. I want to be known, I want to be seen, I want to be valued.
I have dreams of becoming a famous singer. Having a voice like honey, in a jazz lounge. Being comfortable under the spotlight, being applauded, people wanting to listen to my voice.
I have dreams of becoming drop-dead gorgeous, and an Instagram where I’m so effortlessly hot… a far cry from my current instagram, which has no pictures of me because I’m afraid of being seen.
I guess I just want significance.
I’ve started too many sentences with “I.” But I guess that’s nothing to be ashamed of. I’m the only one in the world who truly sees me. So I might as well at least let myself be the subject of my own sentences.