Entries 495
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I wanted to
take a nap, but I kept imagining that my son was crying. After checking on him twice (nothing- he’s sound asleep) I imagined falling down the stairs over and over. Sometimes I wonder where these...
Stuck
On a thought, a realization. I remember the moment that I realized that my mom was never going to be capable of seeing me as a person. That moment when she screamed at me that I had no feelings....
Shouldn't I
be angry? After all that… over a year ago we agreed. Over six months ago we implemented. And, DH has been resistant and defensive the whole time. We agreed that he works too much. We agreed that...
Why do I do this
to myself? I must believe, at some level, that I deserve to be subjected to sadistic, controlling, mean, angry, abusive men. My behavior is the evidence. We can choose to do bad things, but we ...
Annoyed
I get annoyed when I make a case, and he continues on as if i never said anything. And i say… look. You can either respond to what i just said or disagree. But don’t pretend that I didn’t say an...
It's not mine
Not my decision. It’s not my decision to make. I had the thought. And then, like I was slipping into a warm bath, my body began to relax. It’s true, I realized. It’s not my decision. I feel fr...
Feeling kind of
Sick. I feel like my life is being narrated by Lloyd deMauss’s historical psychology texts. Virtue is knowledge plus courage Well. Ill tell you what. It sure takes courage to dig up some of this...
Perhaps the Connection
was not as straight forward in my earlier post as I would have liked. I do try to simplify and take things step by step. That one was a leap. But, I don’t feel like redoing it. My mom’s most rece...
The State as Family
I don’t think that it is any coincidence that we have the gov’t and the leaders that we have, considering the state of parenting and the family. If we accept the copious evidence that the vast m...
Reflections
What do you do when your needs are met? What kind of pursuits would you have if you didn’t need anything at all? I think that I am beginning to see the glimmers of an answer in my son. His answ...
Saying No
I’ve read a lot about emotional intelligence, nonviolent communication, human needs in communication, psychology, therapy, virtue, philosophy, and secular ethics. People need acknowledgement- be...
People Get Angry
when I start asking questions about their relationships. People who get angry at questions about themselves are terrified. They know that they are not worth loving if the definition of love is ...
Of Course
Of Course you were perfect. Of course you were born with the ability to love, and be loved. Of course you are naturally compassionate, kind, empirical and reciprocal. Of course you are not innat...
Life is Funny
DH has been resisting my insistence on doing therapy. He can’t seem to criticize anyone except himself. He doesn’t see the benefit in doing therapy or putting in the work. Trying to feel his feel...
Do you have a BTC Buddy?
Something that was brought up in my group of frankly stone geniuses, was that no matter how dedicated you are to your plan, if you don’t have a buddy, you’re going to be far more swayed by the em...
Have a Plan
and Stick to It It’s funny how human emotion is the largest influence on finances. Not sensible planning or an eye to the long term outcome. Just in the moment panic or greed. BTC went on sale d...
The Beginning of
loneliness. And God, am I ever so lonely. I peered at the pictures of “us” that I had hung around our small cottage like house. I looked for the people in them- first at the sibling pictures. T...
Relief
BTC is up and we made a shit ton of money. Ofc we aren’t going to touch it for at least 5 years. Should shoot up even more, as the dollar collapses. I just hope the economy will be viable in the ...
Poison
Fucking poison I’m surrounded by people who want nothing good for me. Well. I have 1 friend. One. And she’s busy with a newborn. Fucking HATE people who want to give marital advice with no self...
What am I
doing? What do I care about? Niceties? Politeness? Being civil? Making sure I don’t hurt anyone feelings? All the while I get pummeled and castigated, ignored, spurned, taken for granted? No....
I may Actually have
underestimated how upset I made my aunt by pointing out the fact that she’s old. I think that I really hit a nerve when I told her that, while her opinions of me were valid, I didn’t see any part...
MIL
Yeah, yeah. MIL’s are always bitchy. Mine is… not really bitchy. At least, not in any way that you could tell off the bat. She’s pretty mild, passionless, passive. Long story. I have had a beef...
Pride
What can I have pride in? I find myself feeling rather proud when I formulate a rational opinion with evidence and reasoning. And, even more so when soundly rebutting criticism. Okay; I can make...
Bitcoin
is up again. I’ve been buying DCA and it has helped to assuage my anxiety about buying. But now it’s up quite a bit and idk what to do. Still have quite a bit more to drop. Probably should just ...
I bought pens...
And why is this important, I hear you ask? Well. I love to write. Like. Absolutely love it. Pen on paper, the smooth silky line of ink left cleanly on a white paper. Unlined paper, of course, bu...
Book Description
Thoughts, and Whatever else.
