Why? Honestly…because I can’t talk to you anymore. As much as that kills me, I have learned to live with that. I’ll probably never get the chance to talk to you again, so this is my way of talking to you.
Believe me…I know this sounds crazy. At this point, I should’ve moved on and forgotten you. I ask myself every day, “why do I still care? And why do I still hurt”? I know it’s not normal…but I think I cared too much. I was so invested in ‘us’ that I can’t just ‘move on’. Maybe I just didn’t get the closure I needed.
I’ve had time to think about what I’ve done, and I understand why things have to be the way it is. Just know that I am sorry, and where ever you are right now, just remember that I am still your biggest fan and I wish you all the joys this world has to offer. I will always be routing for you. In the background of course.
I know its not normal to feel this way, but you know I was never really normal. Maybe that’s why you loved me as much as you did…especially when you sure as hell didn’t have to. Because you stayed…I have the most amazing memories that I never want to forget. And that brings us to why I’m writing this. I honestly feel like a douche bag right now. I made you a promise that I’m slowly starting to break that promise. I told you that I will NEVER forget you. But lately, I realized I’m having to think harder and harder just to get a clear memory of you. I’m starting to forget…how it feels to hold you…that beautiful smile....what it sounds like to hear you say ‘I love you’…how I felt when you look in my eyes.
I never thought I could forget it, but its been so long. Here and there, I’ll be reminded of you…A memory we both shared. Random and stupid little memories that I shouldn’t remember. Like when we’d sit there crocheting and watching that vampire movie til 3 am or how you would have your little spasm and half beat the shit out of me in your sleep. Like, I know you warned me about some shit like this but holy shit! I never expect to be knocked in the jaw by your hydraulic foot… But I never woke you up…because I knew that one day…I would forget you and those are the priceless memories too good to forget.
I thought about ‘the notebook’. I don’t think we ever got to watch that together by the way. Maybe one day. Noah wrote Ali a letter every single day for a year. And I honestly thought about doing it but in the movies, it looks so cute…because you know they are going to get back together…and I know are journey ended a long time ago. In real life its creepy and weird. So I figured I would do the other thing he did…Making a journal with their memories because when the brain starts to go, they will always live on in that writing. That was Noah’s way of getting Ali to come back to him when she would ‘go’. When ever I get these random thoughts of you, I will write them here. That way, when I forget completely, all I will need to do is read. Then…I know you will always come back to me. That…is my closure.
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