I just cleaned up the kitchen and made breakfast. The child isn’t up yet so I put hers in the microwave. I’m going to shower soon. I have been up since 5am. Wide awake. I’m going to be suffering later I’m sure.
Work was decent last night. I made $96. My friend at work said she’s getting burnt out and was really tearful and stressed. She has a full time job so she’s only going to work at my job one day a week.
I open tomorrow. I’m not thrilled but I also realize that having 3 days off in a row is a lot and I need the money. I have next Monday off for my daughter’s birthday and then I’ll work Tuesday. It sucks I have to work the 4th but he already paid me and there’s not going to be a lot of people there because everyone took it off. I also work all day next Sunday. I’m glad that I already paid half my rent so I might actually have some money left over when I get paid on Friday.
My weight was 222 this morning. I’m pretty happy about it but I’d LOVE to see 220 tomorrow morning.
Yesterday, my daughter sends me a screenshot of a Tik Tok my friend has posted. He called me last night when I was at work and said that he’s probably going to rehome his puppies because they aren’t having any luck finding a place they can afford where they could have them. He also went on to talk about how his Mother in law doesn’t trust that he would help pay rent. She doesn’t like him and has made that pretty clear. I told him it sounds like he’s in the same situation I was in when I lived there. I chose a life over love. I wish I didn’t relate to him like I do honestly but I lived it all myself.
He said as soon as he starts working and gets a car, he’s coming to visit. I told him he ain’t gonna wanna leave. It’s way different here. There’s civilization, stuff to do and you’d have a job within a day. It’s a lot different life here.
We were in a tornado warning yesterday. I knew before I left for work but I didn’t tell my daughter because I didn’t want her to freak out. She later text me talking about it and I told her no because the temp went from 96 to 66 in less than an hour. I wasn’t super concerned but I did tell work that if the weather gets bad, I’m leaving.
I did text my Mom and I’m arranging to get my stuff. I have a tote with stuff there along with a belt and a plastic bag with a bunch of straws I’d love to have back. I don’t know when I’ll get it because I work today and tomorrow morning.
I was at work thinking about everything with my Mom and my friend. I’m honestly just so glad it’s over. I knew all along that it was going to end and now that it has, I don’t have to worry about it. There was never a question of if but when. It’s like knowing a train wreck is about to happen and there’s nothing you can do to stop it and then once it hits, you can breathe that sigh of relief.
My Mom heart hurts because I do feel bad that my daughter is alone so much but I also know that this is truly the safest and best option for her. I think she gets bored but likes her freedom too. I just don’t like that she doesn’t clean up after herself and she’s always eating. I can’t afford to constantly be buying groceries and we need to start limiting the snacks.
This thing where all I do is base my life around narcs and whatever it is they feel they need has ended. I like that I get to be completely in control of my time, schedule, diet, money, and my choices. I remember when my Mom was watching her and there was times I would only get to work like 2 days a week because my schedule revolved around hers and I’m so glad that that is no longer a fucking worry. It’s seriously the greatest feeling in the world not dependent on anyone or THEIR schedule.
I’ve been thinking about calling CS. I know that it’s a dead end but I’m becoming super frustrated paying for everything by myself while he gets to just worry about himself. I seriously wish his rights would just get terminated. Then, I’d never have to worry about him again. Until his rights are gone, I will not give up on CS. Since he can take me to court any time he wants, then he can figure out how to keep avoiding responsibility.
There was a lady on Tik Tok saying that if you are just running around making babies that you have no intention on taking care of, you should just go off and die. I completely agree. I know that men have babies just to abuse the Mom but it’s the child that suffers the most. I haven’t seen CS again since last September and he hasn’t seen her in over a year. Every time I hear from him, he’s threatening me. Like how does that make any sense? Why don’t you threaten me with getting yourself stable?
I’m just ready to get my night at work over with. It sucks I have to be there in the morning but then I’ll have Tuesday and Wednesday off. I’m sure I still won’t have any money because I never do but hopefully I can at least get through until school starts but something’s gotta change. I’m glad to have a job and everything but since I spent $500 on brakes, I have yet to financially recover. My daughter is expensive and so are the rest of my bills. It would really be appreciated if someone would pay CS so I wouldn’t have to struggle as bad but I don’t see that happening ever again.
My friend has sent me audio clips of his arguments with his boyfriend and I really don’t think they’re going to make it. The mother in law is a serious problem and there’s no jobs there. He’s dealing with almost the same situation I did. I think if they got a place together without the Mother in law they’d probably be okay but it definitely sounds like she’s going to make sure that doesn’t happen.
It’s insane how people just HAVE to be in control. They are hellbent that EVERYTHING is going to be their way and they don’t care what anyone else feels. I can’t fucking stand a control freak. I used to think I was one until I’m around people that actually are and I realize I’m a lot more laid back then I originally thought. I really don’t care what anyone does as long as it’s not affecting my income, car, or my child.
People are going to keep creating the same situation over and over, even with different people because they want to have too much their way. It’s really frustrating and that’s why I’m glad I’m single and have no ties to anyone other than my child. I would NEVER want people to have a terrible opinion of me and say that I’m a control freak or I’m just terrible in other ways.
I’ve always been the person that just takes everyone’s shit and keeps my calm. I realize now more than ever that I do need to start speaking up. I refuse to let people run all over me anymore.
My friend is closing tonight which I like because she’s super laid back. I don’t have to do as much or pay for my soda.
I think we’re going out to lunch. I got free money coupons for a place from work and my daughter wants to go. It’s like her favorite place and we haven’t been there since we came back. I’ll probably just have a salad and a side. The food is expensive and fattening. I’ve already looked up the nutrition facts on everything and I also don’t wanna have heavy food in my stomach because I work in a few hours.
I’m going to do her hair and get us ready to go. We’ve had breakfast and showered. I bought new shampoo, conditioner and bath poufs last night. I had got rid of my razor and forgot to put one in the shower so I didn’t shave my legs. I couldn’t remember where there was another one. I have since found one and put it in there.
I’m praying to God that I lose that 2 pounds by tomorrow. I’m really going to pay attention to what I eat/drink today and hope for the best. I’m down from last week but didn’t hit my goal. I know I drank a shit load of water on my days off but I still shouldn’t have had that extra like 4 pounds. Ugh losing weight is so stressful. I just want to get it off me and keep it off.
It does feel so good to have 44 pounds gone. I would have never thought in a million years I would have lost weight like this. I have wrinkles in my double chin, my rings spin and and super loose, my face has definitely changed shape and all the clothes I had before hang off me and look funny. I struggle to wear clothes that actually fit. It’s awesome that I’m thinner but I can’t afford to go out and buy a whole new wardrobe. It’s also crazy how I’ve bought new clothes, smaller sizes and they are still too big.
I can honestly say I got what I wanted and more. I can’t even begin to describe how much happier I am and there’s so much that’s happened that I didn’t expect. I’m at peace and no one will ever take that from me again. It’s wild how life and relationships can absolutely rock you and completely change you.
Everything happens for a reason, even the bad.
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