Last night was pretty good. I think I made like $165. I was there an hour past my time but it was okay. I forgot to request the 4th off but a co-worker wants me to take his shift and is going to pay me. I told my daughter she can talk to Gunkle on the phone and watch the fireworks.
She had me stop at the store last night for medicine and chips. I didn’t eat dinner. I usually skip that meal because I don’t like eating before I go to bed unless it’s something light like a salad. I was 227 when I got home, peed a lot during the night and was 224 this morning. I just want to be down to 22o and then my final goal is 200. I still wanna be thick but look more in proportion, feel better and it be easier to buy clothes.
We ran to Sam’s Club, Dollar Tree, Walmart, the pharmacy and I made my car payment. I just took a shower and threw a load of laundry in. I have less than 3 hours before I have to leave for work. I told my boss that I wanna trade Thursday and work Monday. I’m going to have to remember to tell her that I either need to work the 6th during the day or swap it for Tuesday because that’s my daughters birthday.
My weight has been heavy on my mind. I was really stressed out last night and couldn’t sleep. Like what if I gain it all back? Why is the scale not going down when I am still eating the same things and drinking water? Should I keep buying smaller clothes if I get big again? I’m literally going crazy but I am hoping that 4 pounds will be gone by Monday morning. I said that just a few days ago and then went up to 225. Yeah it’s nice to lose weight but it’s a constant stress worrying that it won’t stay off too.
I was thinking about some stuff last night at work and I know once my daughter tells my Mom that she stays home alone, she’s going to call the cops. She won’t think to reach out to me and verify that information too. It’s funny how she would disregard every concern I had about my daughter being at her place because of my little brother but have massive concern that she watches herself. I know that once she calls the cops, it’s not because she cares or she’s truly worried about my daughters safety. It’s going to be because she’s no longer needed and I have no reason to have contact. It’s also not having any thought to the fact that I have to work.
Again, I have never had the help or support I needed. I have managed to make all this happen on my own. I have already spoke to the PD, they have my full name, employer, and address so I’m not at all concerned but I promise once my Mom is dumb and vindictive enough to try to get me in trouble, or fuck with my income that she’ll never hear from us again. I also think once I move away again, I’m going to be changing my phone number and my last name and make it impossible to find me. My Mom is a troublemaker and I have never ever seen her do anything out of care or concern.
She should be more worried about her son living off her and not addressing his behaviors. She was the exact same way with my Dad. I remember telling her a million and one times that I do not want my daughter around him and she still worked very hard to disobey that boundary, just like she’s done with him.
I’m in a place now where I do not have to tolerate anyone that disrespects me, disregards my boundaries, plays games and can’t communicate like an adult.
I remember after the bar incident at the start of May and she was telling me that she would quit her job to watch my kid. It’s like why? So you can turn around and tell everyone that you HAD to quit your job to babysit and now you can’t afford your bills? After what she text that guy about not having freedom and was always watching my kid, I think the fuck not.
It’s traumatizing dealing with these kinds of people and also extremely humbling. It definitely keeps you from ever getting too comfortable with anything or any situation. I am honestly glad that both her and my friend showed their true colors again so soon so I could get all this out of the way. I knew it was only a matter of time.
Last night I was thinking about how everyday I would dread texting my friend because I felt like I had to or she’d feel like I was using her. The truth is, she did anyway. But it’s like if I don’t text her, I may not have a sitter. I’d panic if she didn’t answer right away or take hours. I now realize it was emotional manipulation. You should NEVER feel like you have to be in contact with anyone for any fucking reason. She had told me many times how people have used her and didn’t talk to her unless they needed something and I definitely wasn’t trying to be like everyone else. I never wanted to text her but felt obligated to. That’s emotional manipulation.
It’s wild how these people are the way they are and they don’t ever stop and think about it. Do they ever wonder if people actually like them or feel like they have to be in contact for some reason or another? I think pretty much everyone is a narc and they all look for 2 main things when finding people to add to their bullshit. They want people who are going to tolerate their bullshit and benefit from. It’s that simple. These people don’t love you like you think and they’re going to run their game on you until you figure it out and walk away. It doesn’t matter if it’s a friendship, relationship, a neighbor, whoever is around you.
My best friend of 24 years gave me the best compliment I ever received and she told me that I’m really aware of my own bullshit. I’d like to believe I am, yes. I know when I’m being too stubborn, I think before I react, I care about how I treat people and when I tell a story of something that happened, I own my side too. I don’t just talk about what the other person did, I will absolutely include what I said or did even if I was in the wrong.
I remember growing up and both my parents we’re always beefing with the grandparents, siblings or their friends and I remember being my daughter’s age and realizing that they never admitted to being wrong or even apologizing to anyone. They lost everyone over the years and even both my Grandmother’s started keeping their distance because our houses always stunk and my parents were always mooching off of them.
My parents do not know how to have a healthy relationship with anyone. I completely understand why they were together for so long. I wouldn’t be surprised if they ever got back together because honestly, no one else is ever going to want either of them. They are both fucked up in a lot of the same ways and I can see why it lasted for 45 years.
I didn’t grow up with role models. I grew up watching situations I didn’t want to ever be in and people I never wanted to be like. It’s extremely important to admit when your wrong, own up to your own behavior and actually want to have healthy relationships. I am really big on accountability and owning up in the part you played in every situation and that’s why even now, no matter how mad I am I don’t just shoot my mouth off. I’m still extremely aware of what I’m saying and how I behave.
Sometimes parents can be the worst influence. I didn’t have parents, I had bullies that raised me wrong. I knew when I was young, I never wanted to be like them. I can’t handle the crazy dysfunction and I refuse to have my daughter grow up in it. I’m angry that I’ve been put in situations over and over again for her to be around people that aren’t good for her and I will never do it again.
My daughter even told me the other day that as soon as I’d leave for work, my friend would go upstairs and stay there until she knew I was on my way. My kid saw that pattern and knew that wasn’t okay. My best friend was completely understanding about her being home alone and even said, “she’s pretty much by herself anyway” and it’s like yeah she sure is. I like knowing she’s safe at home. I like not having to worry about a kid keeping her on a sidewalk where anything could have happened to her for several hours or her being at my Mom’s and deal with all the bullshit there.
I don’t believe anyone loves your kids like you do. They just aren’t capable. You can’t ever put too much trust in other people because even if they care, they don’t as much as you do. I don’t doubt that my Mom and friend love my kid but do I feel that either one of them looked out for her like they should have? Absolutely not.
I will never forget the night I went on that date and my Mom had to leave for work at like 4 am and said it was okay for my daughter to stay at her house. Meaning she’d be alone with my little brother. I remember even saying, “no, I’ll be there at 2, she’s not going to be alone with him for any amount of time” and I meant it. I don’t care if I have to stay up all night or drive a million miles on no sleep. It’s like she just wanted to constantly act like this wasn’t the big deal that I felt it was.
My little brother never went to school. He never had a girlfriend. He’s a virgin. He wasn’t taught anything. He is scary and unpredictable. He also hates me with a passion because he blames me for him getting a felony because I was the one that called the cops when he cut the dog. Yeah I have plenty of reasons why my child isn’t going to be alone with him.
I just don’t know if she truly just doesn’t see him for the monster he is and maybe she’s hoping something bad will happen. I seriously don’t know. She’s never taken my concerns seriously when it came to my Dad or my little brother. She also says how she has guilt for what my Dad did to us kids but she hasn’t put much effort into protecting my child from them either. I get that people see things differently but I just think if she truly felt bad for what happened to us, she would have paid better attention when it came to MY CHILD!
My daughter was talking about my little brother the other day and him walking around in his underwear and barging in when she was in the bathroom. I told her that I ain’t going to have her growing up thinking that behavior isn’t concerning. There’s never a time where it’s okay for a guy of any age to do that in front of a small child. The fact that it all happened more than once and I don’t believe my Mom said anything to him unless I said something to her is alarming as fuck. My Mom would just say that he didn’t think about it or he just “forgot” okay well my daughter had been there for 2 months, 4 days a week so how the fuck could you just forget? You don’t, you just don’t want to take accountability!
I think people absolutely love to test the limits and want to get you to blow up and then they play innocent. I remember being there when he’d barged in the bathroom and still chose to go piss with my daughter in the shower. It took everything I had to not jump up and make his face meet the wall. I still don’t know how the fuck I didn’t say or do anything but again, I’m tired of being around people or situations where I’m not allowed to speak up. It’s got a lot to do with coercive control and worried that if I would have reacted, I’d have to be at work all night worrying that he’s trying to kill my Mom or my daughter.
The absolute wrong people choose to procreate and then the rest of us are stuck dealing with people that should have been swallowed. I think some people are alive simply to build character for the rest of us. The people that are in therapy are because of the ones that don’t go. There’s not enough people in hospitals and jails and that’s why so many people are on medications and need therapists.
I know that I’m raising a kid that no one will ever have to heal from. I’m very proud at how I’ve raised her. She’s a sweet soul and is good to everyone. She’s always had a normal upbringing and when issues have come up, I am held accountable and so is she. I also could never understand how my little brother was ‘homeschooled’ because I have never understood it and I would never have done that with my kid.
That homeschool thing was such a joke. My Dad was to teach him but didn’t have the patience so the kid grew up sitting there watching tv all day eating candy. My Dad never took him to the park, or movies and wouldn’t even let him play in the yard. It’s just crazy that he had his life robbed from him and yet, still has a relationship with this person who stole his childhood and still mooches money off him.
Again, people DO NOT change! I was just talking to my gay buddy about all this the other day. People are incapable of change. You either accept them for how they are or leave them alone. My theory is they’ve managed to find someone or several to tolerate their behavior to the point where there’s no consequences and they get just too comfortable being monsters and that’s just how they stay for the rest of their lives.
I used to believe that if I stayed away from people long enough that maybe they’d see that their behavior sucks and things will be better the next time. That theory went out the window when I had a friend that massively fucked me over when I went to visit him and didn’t speak for like 2 years and then I went to visit him again where he got us in a car wreck with my daughter in the backseat and then decided he wasn’t going to cooperate with the insurance company. Shit people stay shit people.
It’s also crazy how people can hurt you or completely fuck you over and then instead of apologizing, they’d rather just never speak to you again. They would rather lose you all together than admit to being wrong or trying to make it right. It’s absolutely mind blowing. I think the biggest mind fuck in the world is when people do terrible things to you and make YOU out to be the problem. So not only do they get to do whatever to you but then portray you as the bad guy. I think it really says a lot about someone’s character to be like that.
I’m all about talking things out and clearing the air, no matter how uncomfortable it is. I also look back at a lot of situations where I just quit fucking with someone instead of being direct and telling them how I feel. But I also think about how many times I’ve done that honestly, it just falls on deaf ears. I never feel heard and I think sometimes it’s easier to just leave people alone then try to communicate. Even with my friend. I’m extremely pissed about how my daughter was treated and not cared for like she should have been but why say anything? People can’t handle being called out and aren’t going to take fault in anything.
But above all else, I can say that had I set boundaries more than what I did a lot of shit probably wouldn’t have happened. I was raised to have none and I’ve always dealt with people or situations where boundaries really weren’t possible. I need to work on being more straight forward with people and who gives a shit if they think I’m a bitch? I work with a girl that is a total bitch when she has to be and doesn’t give 2 fucks what anyone thinks. I admire that honestly.
It does bother me how people can do terrible things to you and not care to even talk to you again. I remember when I had visited my friend on the other side of the state and he treated me like absolute shit and so did his friend so my daughter and I drove back in the pouring rain in the middle of the night. I didn’t hear from him for almost 2 years until I finally reached out to HIM! I did absolutely nothing wrong and yet I was the one to fix it?! I just want to know what has happened to this world for SO MANY PEOPLE to be like this!
I do know that I don’t see anyone the same anymore. I see everything in a way different light then I ever did. I think about stuff that I never did before and think about everything on a much deeper level. People can switch up on you at anytime and you have to be prepared for that. You’ll also live without people that you thought you needed. You’ll also realize that you didn’t mean as much to people as you thought you did.
Life is one helluva ride and things will happen that you never thought possible. Expect the unexpected and always be ready for a major life change. Nothing is forever. I used to be really big on everything lasting long term but it doesn’t work that way. You just readjust and adapt to the new normal. I know that my daughter and I still kinda struggle with life being calm. We lived in pure chaos for so long that now, it’s quiet and peaceful it takes a while to readjust to that.
Peace is the most valuable thing you can ever have. I believe that if you aren’t adding to my peace you are taking from it. You get to decide if you are going to let people steal your peace and for how long. If situations are affecting your peace and mental health, you need to create a new situation for yourself. You don’t have to put up with anything.
I know life as a single Mom and I can say you do not have to have your kids around anyone that you don’t want. I have also fell victim to this but I also think that people see a single Mom as a very vulnerable target and will take advantage of an already stressful situation. People act like they care and act like they want to help but really, they want to test your limits and see just how much you are going to put up with and for how long.
Love, care, support and help are all conditional and temporary. People are always willing to ‘help’ if it means they get to run the narrative. Even like with my Mom and friend, I saw that it wasn’t about helping me or caring about my child. It was about them pulling my emotional strings and seeing how long I was going to take it.
I appreciate the help I’ve received from my Mom and my friend but was it worth it at the end of the day? Absolutely not. I am just so glad it’s over with both of them and I don’t have to worry about it anymore. I remember being at work and having the best day and having it in the back of my mind that yeah everything’s okay for now but who knows what’s going to happen tomorrow or next week.
Oh and then I would buy groceries for when my daughter would be at my Mom’s. There was times she’d go to the grocery store with me and pick out a bunch of junk food. Cookies, chips, fruit snacks, tubs of ice cream. I still don’t know how extensive she felt my food budget was and I seriously didn’t like buying a bunch of food that my daughter didn’t need to eat. I remember a couple of different times buying the chicken enchiladas from Sam’s Club and not once did they think of me to save me some and those are $15 which to me is a lot of money for one meal. Never did she offer me something to eat when I’d come to get my kid. I’d also think about how if she decides that she’s done babysitting, I won’t be able to work and buy more groceries.
The food thing with my Mom has always severely pissed me off. I grew up starving and it was never a priority for them to buy food for us and I don’t know how much of OUR food she’s eaten. I was just so worried that I’ve spent a shit ton of money buying groceries for her house and then I’d struggle to keep food in my own and I wasn’t eating any of the shit I was buying. I constantly worried about what I was going to do if there’s a falling out and I don’t have the money to buy more groceries.
It was maddening that she listened to me bitch about not getting dinner after work and then she pulled the exact same thing. I stayed quiet of course but I am so fucking glad that now, all the food I buy is shit that is healthy and I get to be completely in control of what I pick at the grocery store and only my daughter and myself are eating it. The night she HAD to race to the bar, I had bought them $70 worth of food and I even asked my daughter if she ate before my friend picked her up and she said no. It’s great that her and my little brother ate food that my daughter or even myself didn’t benefit from.
We all know that groceries are expensive and it was a huge blow that $70 was wasted. That would have fed my daughter and I for a week! At least a week if not longer. I’m pissed that my daughter didn’t eat even a bite of all that food. I don’t care what happens, I will NEVER buy food for someone else’s house. I don’t even know how many hundreds if not thousands of dollars I spent buying them groceries over the years and I would go hungry but I got sick of listening to them cry around that they didn’t have food.
It’s nice that now I can buy food and not have to buy junk because it’s cheaper and put food in someone else’s house. I honestly wonder just how much of the food I bought my daughter even got to eat. I probably bought 20 tubs of ice cream in the 2 and a half months my Mom was watching her and not one time did I even have a fucking spoonful. She’d come over to my house and run right to my fridge and go through it. I can’t even begin to describe how I would sit there and watch her and bite my tongue. I found that to be SO FUCKING RUDE! Then one time I had whipped cheesecake in my fridge and she kept interrupting me and I finally said, “go ahead and fucking eat it” like holy fuck. Sorry I can buy food and not gorge it down right away!
I myself feel very used and taken advantage of when it comes to my Mom. I have my reasons to stay away from her. I honestly don’t care to ever see or speak to her again. I just can’t deal with her bullshit anymore. I am pretty sure I’ve had enough. These people will get whatever they can off ya and that will never fucking change.
Anyways, I gotta get ready and head to work. More later.
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