So I got off an hour early. It was completely dead. I’m pissed that I didn’t make my car payment. I did stop and get my salad and got a couple of things at the store. I managed to get pulled over on the way home. Just got a warning but I was about to pee my pants so I’m glad I wasn’t stopped for long.
The sleepover went okay. I did however spend the last 40 minutes picking up the kitchen and living room and I still ain’t done.
My daughter woke up with a sore throat so we ran her friend over there and she’s home today. I work later.
I know I’ve had a few notes about my daughter being home alone. I have already talked to the PD and they are well aware. My landlord knows, she was the one that suggested it. Everyone I work with knows. I know as soon as my mom finds out she’s home by herself, I fully anticipate a phone call and I have no concerns at all. The PD told me as long as she knows what to do in an emergency and she knows how to use her cell phone, there’s no concern at all. There’s cameras all over our building and I have a neighbor that checks in on her. She knows how to call me, my friends and 911 if needed.
I need to return something and pick up my medications before work. I’ll probably leave a little early to get that stuff done. I did see a place that I’ve been wanting to work at is hiring so I might stop in there later and get an application. I’m just not making the money that I need to and it’s time to consider something else.
Money-wise life is kicking my ass. I seriously need to make more money that this. I’d like to trade Thursday for Monday but I can’t pick her up until 3 that day and I work at 4. Scheduling is a huge factor in my work schedule. Again, this single Mom thing really gets to me. I really wish her Dad would be one EVER or at least pay child support. He hasn’t paid since last September and hasn’t seen her in over a year. I don’t hear from him because Talking Parents now charges you and we all know he ain’t gonna pay the $7 to talk shit.
My cat threw up on my bedding last night so that’s currently in the wash. I’m glad that he puked on a blanket instead of the carpet though. I need someone to figure out why my vacuum is leaving streaks of hair. I’ve cleaned it out and it’s still doing it. This is driving me nuts because I just want to vacuum and the carpet looks nice and it’s not happening.
I’m waiting to get the bedding in the dryer and then I need to take a shower. I’m struggling to lose the 5 pounds that I want. It’s like my weight loss has stalled and it’s pissing me off. I can write down everything I eat every single day and there’s no reason why the scale isn’t going down. I know I drank a lot of water on my days off but this is starting to make me panic. I’ve been doing really good for months now so I just want to know why this weight isn’t coming off now.
My belt should be here later. I’m pissed that I ordered it before some other stuff and that stuff came before my belt. I have one at my Mom’s but I don’t speak to her and I’m not going through a fucking ringer for a belt.
I’ve read through some of my earlier entries and I had talked about a girl that I was friends with back when and I had a good idea about things so long ago. I truly believe that everyone is abusive to a point. I’m sickened by what I’ve tolerated by people. I’m starting to realize more and more that maybe I am better off alone. I seriously don’t need anyone that just wants to bring me down or add chaos to my life.
My daughter’s friend told her last night that her Dad was going to get her a fidget and my daughter said something about how everyone’s a liar and she doesn’t believe it. I told her that not everyone is a liar. There are people that do what they say. It’s okay to give people a chance. Not everyone is like my friend that promises shit and then doesn’t do it.
I realize now that I should’ve been more direct with my friend and told her that I’d appreciate if she doesn’t offer to do shit especially in front of my daughter because if you do, she’s not going to forget. I just don’t know how people can offer all kinds of stuff to you or your child, knowing full well your situation and then not only not deliver but turn around and say that you are using them.
You aren’t using someone when they OFFER to give you money, fly you out of town, offer to give you a dash cam, gift cards and blah blah blah but then not do it. Why fucking bring it up in the first place? Don’t offer something unless you are doing it right then and there.
It makes me think about how when I was a kid and my parents had this friend that would come stay with us when he was in town. They would OFFER for him to stay, feed him and all this shit and then turn around and say HE USED THEM! It must be part of the narc playbook I think. They want to be the helper, the martyr and then be the victim.
I’m just so glad that now, I don’t need shit from anyone and won’t have to worry about ‘using’ anyone ever again. I realize now more than ever that it is NEVER a good idea to take anything from people, even if it’s being offered. Don’t expect shit because it’s going to be weaponised later. When a friend is offering you money or anything to ‘help’ it is often emotional manipulation and it’s important to set boundaries and say that you are uncomfortable taking anything.
I can honestly admit I’ve struggled setting boundaries my entire life and I often wonder how different my life would have turn out had I done that. I realize now more than ever I need to really sit down and think about my lack of boundaries and the mistakes I’ve made and how to correct them. I’m never going to point the finger at anyone else because I’m not perfect and I could have done more to prevent things from going wrong. I know no matter what I would have done differently, all this probably would have had the same outcome because everyone is adamant about being the victim but I really need to learn how to establish boundaries and not let them get violated anymore.
I do believe that I will have a much better relationship with people not needing a sitter anymore. It’s never a good idea to NEED anything from anyone. I was definitely in the wrong by not talking to my daughter sooner about just watching herself. I could have potentially avoided a lot of shit by not asking anyone to watch her. The worst thing in the world is ever needing help, especially from a narc. They thrive off being needed and it’s always going to end up a very unhealthy dynamic because they run with being in a place of power.
When a narc is ‘helping’ you, it isn’t about the help at all. It’s about feeling needed, being able to emotionally manipulate and control you and then at the end of it all, they portray themselves as the victim. It’s like they feel that because they helped you, it shouldn’t matter if they hurt you in the process. Like my friend making sure I picked up my daughter right after work because she
was worried I was going to the bar, even though it was HER IDEA for her to spend the night. That bitch thrived off the control she had over me.
I will never again be in a situation where I’m under someone’s control. I seriously don’t care what happens but I will never live this shit again. I knew that things weren’t healthy with her and it was only a matter of time before I made a new plan. I also don’t believe that one day she was supposed to pick her up and she ‘forgot’ no I think it was just awesome for me to run 12 miles out to her house and burn up gas. Like that day when I had to meet her at that BBQ and we were there 5 minutes and then she decided she wanted to take the kids swimming so we had to come all the way back to my house for my daughters swimsuit and then drive all the way to the other side of town and I still had to go to work!
Just because she and her husband have plenty of money to burn, doesn’t mean everyone does. I just didn’t appreciate the lack of consideration at all. I seriously bust my ass for every fucking dollar I have and don’t like when people are making me burn up my gas! I am still pissed because I just wanted to get my laundry done that day before work but no, I got to spend an hour and a half driving!
I realize more and more that I was put in a terrible position and I then in turn became an easy target to be controlled and emotionally manipulated. I am very angry at how all this has changed my personality and inevitably my brain chemistry. I absolutely believe that I am the definition of trauma and abuse. I don’t know how the fuck I will ever trust anyone again because even if someone tells you everything is good, it’s not. It will only stay good as long as you are willing to be controlled and manipulated and once you put a stop to it, you never hear from them again.
It’s just hard to accept what my daughter and I went through that lead us to come back and I don’t do with anyone that’s any better than what I left. All these fucking people LOVED that I was in a shit spot because they got to hurt me further. I honestly don’t believe that I know even one person in my circle that’s healthy for me or my child.
I just can’t keep trying with the same people. I know my best friend is always telling me with my Mom to not cut her out completely and how that’s still my Mom but I don’t believe in getting a free pass to be abusive because your someone’s Mom. I could NEVER pull the shit on my child that my Mom has pulled on me. As a daughter, I forgive her honestly but as a Mom, I could NEVER!!! The shit she has done is unforgiveable. I just can’t keep finding forgiveness to give another chance.
My Mom is a very immature, emotionally abusive, emotionally checked out person. I can’t handle how she runs and hot. It’s confusing when she can be there for you and help with things but doesn’t care about what’s going on unless there’s drama. She only cares when there’s tea and she can get on the phone with my older brother and talk shit. I don’t think anyone honestly cares genuinely at all. I’ve always looked up to people that don’t really talk about their problems or their feelings.
I can honestly say that I’ve learned a lot from all these experiences and I can say with 100% certainty, I will never take anything or accept help from anyone ever again. It’s just not worth it and nothing good is going to come from it. If I would have just stayed here, I wouldn’t have been in the situation to need help and I’m so furious about the events that lead to this shit. I definitely feel that I’ve been controlled, abused, and emotionally manipulated.
All of this goes back to my past. I’m not perfect and I’ve never claimed to be a saint but I’ve done a lot of horrible things when I was younger. I had a friend that we mutually used each other but it ended too. I know that I didn’t always do or say the right thing and that is why no matter how mad I am, I still handle everyone with the respect that I want in return. Like the other day when she said that I was a shit friend, I wanted to pop off but I didn’t. I just set my boundaries, told her to take care and left it at that. I set boundaries, but when it’s too late.
I will never again risk being in a situation that could lead me to need help from anyone. I will never again live with someone or combine bills. I realize now more than ever that I probably do need a different job with an actual livable wage because this shit isn’t cutting it. I’d love to go back to how I was before where I always had more than one car, bills would be paid for at least 2 months in advance and I never had to worry about not having enough money in my account. I’m not able to do that currently and I don’t like the way it makes me feel. I pay for all my own shit and if I can’t afford it, I don’t expect anyone to hand it to me. I don’t take a dime if I didn’t earn it.
I’m sorry that I ever got help from anyone but I’m going to do everything in my power to make sure that it never happens again. It’s not even about money or material things, it’s about the mental load I’ve had to carry. Just like my debt. I care more about what I went through physically than the money.
It’s bullshit that you can’t ever believe in anyone. It’s bullshit that you can’t even take their word for face value. I remember when I’d ask my friend if her and her husband were okay with my daughter being at their house and she would almost get offended that I asked but it was an issue and I don’t appreciate someone not just being honest. I’m upset that my daughter’s stability and lively hood was contingent on how much shit I was willing to put up with and if people have a problem with her being home alone, well how about tell her Dad to finally step up and take 50% of the responsibility or maybe pay some CS so I can hire a sitter.
It’s so funny to me how people judge single Mom’s for their choices but never second guess a deadbeat Dad. Until you’ve walked in my shoes and had to make choices that you never thought you’d have to make, please keep your opinions to yourself. I kept putting my child in shit situations and I did nothing but worry every minute I was at work and neither one of us were happy. I can tell you she’s 100% safe at home by herself than she ever was at my Mom’s or my friend’s house. It’s not fun worrying about a kid trying to push her down a flight of stairs and she still has bruises from him hitting on her!
I also like not having to worry about my 32 year old brother walking around in his underwear in front of her or barging in to use the bathroom while she’s in the shower or getting dressed. If no one can understand why I’ve made the choice for her to be at home, you either aren’t a parent or you need your fucking head examined. I still have to work and pay the bills. If I don’t work, we have nothing and that isn’t going to happen. I’m doing the absolute best I can BY MYSELF and if anyone has a problem with that, send me money for a sitter! Everyone here wants at least $20/hr and I don’t make that much.
Sometimes I struggle to not feel like a victim. I don’t want to feel that way at all. I am doing what I can to turn my pain into power because I want my daughter to grow up and have the same strength I raised her with. Whether I’m a victim or not, I still get to choose everyday to change my situation. I’m in a really good place now with everything and that’s what I wanted for so long. No one is holding me back, no one is talking down to me and I know I like where I’m at. All I would change now is making more money.
We all have a sad story but how you choose to deal with it is completely up to you. When you wake up in the morning, you can either sit and wallow in self pity or handle your business. Even if I get down, I’ll set a 10 minute timer to cry and then I boss up and go about the day. I refuse to let other people’s actions affect me to the point where I give up. I have a little girl looking up to me everyday and I have to make it happen for her.
My perspective has changed drastically after living through the worst 6 months of my life. I am broke from paying for a brake job but if I wasn’t here, I wouldn’t even have a car. I just don’t think anything is that bad anymore. I’m happy to be where I am with everything and I’m going to keep thriving. I have nothing holding me back anymore. I’m not surrounded by negative people that say whatever they can to fuck with my head. I like that I’m treated with respect everywhere I go now. I can smile and have confidence. I’m in a really good place and no one can take that from me.
I can’t stand people who play the victim when they are the ones that created it. It’s like my BD when he’d bitch about the consequences of not paying the CS. Um, okay so not only do you not pay it but I have to listen to you bitch about it? Nah, you don’t get to have it both ways. IF you did the right thing, you wouldn’t have the problems that you do. You can be the victim but is it helping you or making you feel better? We have all been the victim in some situation or what not but it’s up to you to get up and keep fucking going.
My Dad was a piece of shit that never worked. We grew up in poverty and squalor. He molested all 3 of us kids. My Mom looked the other way. I stole, I drank and smoked weed at a young age and lost my virginity at 12. I was on the road to Hell. Then I went to jail and that’s what turned it all around. I have had plenty of shit things happen to me but it shapes you. I am definitely built from broken. My life is nothing but broken pieces but what keeps me holding on is my daughter. God wakes me up every morning because I do have a purpose. I’m going to be as happy as I can be and I’m going to do everything I can for my daughter and knowing she has what she needs and I make it happen everyday is the best feeling.
It sucks that I had a baby with the wrong guy and it changed the whole trajectory of my life. It sucks that I was with someone who was emotionally, mentally, and financially abusive. It sucks that I don’t have any real friends here and I don’t have a safe space outside of my home and my child. But, I’m working on all of it. Everything will come at the right time.
Being a single Mom isn’t for the weak. It puts you in a very vulnerable position to be controlled, used, abused, and emotionally manipulated. There’s so much more to it then just taking care of your kid by yourself. I think people truly see you as a target and an easy one. Your desperate for love, for someone to care and it’s hard. You get hurt enough and finally realize it’s just you and your child against the world. I’ve had enough happen that I can say I will never trust anyone again. I’m going to stay pretty closed off for awhile. I need to get my head right and have time to process everything.
My BD has always said that I’m a gold digger and I just want all of his money. Naw but it would be nice if you ever showed up for your child like I needed. It would be great to not just be completely on my fucking own every single day. It would be great to have a co-parent that actually gave a shit. It would be nice to have help emotionally and it’s a shitty deal to know we will never reach a good place where we can just get along and raise our child together. He doesn’t want to be a Dad or have any responsibility and he’s shown that since day !. You can’t co-parent with someone like that.
Anyways, I’m going to shower now. More later.
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