My daughter is having a sleepover tonight. I just picked them up and I’m already about to freak. I drink exploded and I had to clean it up. I let them know the rules and if anything is broken or they’ve gotten into anything they aren’t supposed to, we won’t be having another sleepover. I’m still annoyed at my daughter because of the way she behaved this morning so she’s on thin ice. I better come home to the house in one piece or I will crash out. I’m not a fan of this whatsoever and I am hoping it’ll all be okay.
I know that she needs to have friends and everything but we’ll see how this goes. It’s not easy to trust one kid home alone but not there’s 2. Thank God it’s just for tonight. My brain is already about to short circuit. They’re eating and playing on their electronics. I’m hoping they are relatively quiet tonight. Well behaved is the goal.
I’m leaving for work soon. This adulting/parenting thing sometimes is a lot. It pisses me off that I’ve been left to do it all on my own this entire time. Her ‘Dad’ has never had to worry about any of this shit and sometimes I really do hate him for that. Never one time has she made a mess and he cleaned it up, not one time has he cleaned up puke or missed a night out. He’s never had to miss work or wonder how he’s going to afford anything.
I have shouldered all the responsibility all these years. Society bitches that if the Mom needs child support than the Dad should have custody. Well, my kid’s Dad has never had stability and has only ever paid if he’s kept a job long enough. He can’t even take care of himself so no, I’m not putting an innocent child in his care. These kids cost money and it isn’t fair for only one parent to be responsible. I’ve let him have her and he’s had her walking around town with him in the heat and couldn’t even afford to get her a cold beverage. He’s kept clothes that I’ve paid for. He’s asked me for money when he owes me almost $20K. Like no, just no.
There’s been videos on Tik Tok about baby Preston and that whole thing makes me damn sick. The Grandma begged to have him and was told no and now he’s dead. They tortured him and raped him. This world is absolutely full of monsters because they hide it so well. Just because someone has a career and a nice house doesn’t mean they aren’t capable of hurting a child!
I’ve had people ask me about getting child care assistance. Well, even if I did get approved, there’s no guarantee I’d find someone that’s a good fit for my child. No one wants to watch kids at night and on weekends and even if I did find someone, that doesn’t mean there a good person or it would be a long term thing. People want to go out and do stuff on weekends and I promise you no one would be reliable. There’s people all the time on Facebook wanting to watch kids but they charge at least $20/hr and I can’t afford to pay someone more than what I make.
I remember all these years going through this shit. Just the other day, I went through all my posts trying to find someone. I had posted almost 40 times all these years and never found anyone. I’ve also seen plenty of Mom’s in the same exact situation. Everyone wants just too damn much to give up their time and I’m glad that I don’t have to worry about it anymore. I used to be physically sick worrying about money and what the hell I’m going to do. I lost my mind worrying and it is such a relief that I don’t have to stress anymore.
Part of the problem is I don’t trust anyone. I know what kind of monsters are in my own family and that has always been a strong deterrent. I have no faith in anyone. It didn’t work out with my Mom or my friend but people want me to trust a complete fucking stranger?! I think the fuck not.
My Mom has always looked the other way when it came to my Dad and now my little brother. I’ve mentioned to her many times that I don’t want my kid around my little brother and she’ll still sit there and act like this is the first time I’ve said anything. She just doesn’t want to hear the truth and she feels that because I allowed it before then I’ll allow it again. Well, I didn’t have a choice! I never wanted my daughter around him and then after seeing him barge in the bathroom and still use the toilet knowing full well she’s in the shower and seeing him walk around in his underwear, I’m not having my kid around that. I understand that he’s mental but I refuse to have my daughter growing up thinking this is okay.
I told her a thousand times that if she ever goes to school and tells someone, I’ll be giving the authorities her phone number. Just because she doesn’t think any of this is a big deal, doesn’t mean the the authorities won’t! I will never again have my daughter in a unsafe situation. I’m sorry that I was stuck between a rock and hard place before. I am absolutely sick when I think about all these shit situations I’ve had for my daughter and myself but now, we are safe and the worry is over.
People like this exist because of people like my Mom who ignore their behavior or normalize it. I don’t believe the story of how he just ‘forgets’ or doesn’t think about it. It’s happened enough that I truly believe that he is trying to see how much he can get away with. I don’t know just how the fuck I didn’t lose my shit but a lot of it is coercive control. I know that if I say something, it’s my Mom that’s going to suffer because he’d just wait until I’ve left and then go crazy on her.
Again, I can’t be around people where you are just expected to tolerate their behavior. I won’t accept being controlled like that. Just because my Mom has allowed this for herself, doesn’t mean that everyone should have to. I remember the other day when she called and she’s trying to feed me the bullshit that he showers now. Why would he NOW after never doing it? She seriously just lies and always has when it comes to him! People think that he’s there because she needs to feel needed, no it’s because she knows no one else will be able to handle him and then she’d have to worry about him.
He was never taught a fucking thing. He never went to school. He never even had to clean up after himself. He’s like a fucking drone. All he wants to do is vape, watch tv and drink beer. He doesn’t buy food but strolls in with an 18 pack of beer every night. She doesn’t make him do anything for himself at all so why would he leave? She’s made him just as comfortable as a person can be but then bitches about wanting him to move out? Um…
If she really wanted him to get out, he would have a long fucking time ago. I’ve always told her that once he leaves, I have no problem with my daughter being there but he’s never going to get out. I asked if he could even go stay with his Dad so my kid ain’t around him and it was the excuse that he doesn’t like the neighborhood over there. Okay but he can go visit every day and be there until it gets dark? No, I think they’re all so full of excuses because we don’t want to even consider change.
I always knew that my daughter would be home along LONG BEFORE he were to ever move out. Like I don’t even know why I wasted my energy being pissed about it. I have never in my life seen people so stuck on staying where their at. Whatever you are not changing, you are absolutely choosing! Sometimes people that are incapable of change need to just not be a part of your life. When all the shit around them is toxic, that is absolutely going to affect your life and I refuse to let it affect my life any more than it already has.
My family is extremely dysfunctional and I refuse to deal with it anymore. I have never in my life seen a more fucked up dynamic. The ones that should be in control aren’t and the ones that have no business being in control are. The ones that should have stood up for themselves knew that it was better not to. Well, I would personally be so sick of tip toeing around people and she continues doing it every single day.
He’s almost 32 now and still runs the show. I’ve even told her, you raised your kids. You did your job and you should have an empty nest now. It’s not your problem that he’s fucked up. It’s sad that he’s as old as he is and just refuses to want to be an adult. He’s truly like a small child because he’s never had to be an adult. He’s lived life on training wheels and I do wonder what’s going to happen to him once she goes to a nursing home or passes away. He doesn’t know how to pay bills, clean, or be even somewhat functional!
There is no way my kid would still be living with me at 32 years old. I love her and all but kids cost money. I would not still be paying her phone, car insurance, doing her laundry and buying all the groceries! But again, she’s a people pleaser and can’t say no. She’s brought all this shit on herself.
I get that we all put up with a lot of shit, probably more than what’s normal a lot of time but after so long you have to get so FED UP that you realize you can’t spend another day doing it. For me, I know I don’t have a lot of patience and I can only deal with shit for so long and then I’m like okay I’m not happy with what’s going on and it’s time for a fucking change.
My life makes sense now. I am no longer putting up with anything that makes me feel like shit, overextends my limits and makes me reach my breaking point. No matter what you have to accept that you allowed all the bad into your life. You accepted it but you have to decide for how long.
My Mom is a lot of the reason why I’m my own person. I think she’s got a lot of serious mental issues and medication isn’t helping. I seriously think she’s the root of everyone’s problem. I also don’t like how she runs so hot and cold. It’s weird when your Mom will help you and be loving but also very cold, the point of cruelty. I don’t like how much I’ve tolerated from her either and I never will again. I love how she says I’m keeping her from my child when all she has to do is get in the car and drive the 6 minutes to my house. She just doesn’t like that I’ve set up boundaries and will not put up with my little brother or his BO anymore. She is definitely one of those people that wants EVERYTHING HER WAY or she twists things!
Just because I’ve said she’s going to have to come over to see my kid and it’s something she doesn’t want to do, then I guess that means I’ve said she can’t see her at all. Well, I’m only responsible for what I say, not how it fits something else’s perspective. It’s just wild how people can not handle boundaries at all and then makes you out to be the bad guy for it! Well if I’m the bad guy then so be it. I’m going to protect my child and I don’t give a flying fucking shit who gets their feelings hurt! It’s my job to protect my child, not a grown ass adult that can’t handle when you won’t tolerate shit that you shouldn’t have to!!
I definitely understand how so many more people like you when you don’t have boundaries because they benefitted from you having none. The quickest way to make people hate you is to have boundaries. I would rather be hated than go along with things that I know I’m not comfortable with or have to worry about my child’s safety.
As a parent, it’s your job to provide stability but your main priority is keeping them safe. It’s sad that the people I’ve had to worry about the most are in my own family! Just because my Mom chooses to ignore their behavior doesn’t mean that I will. I understand that she’s been bullied and blah blah blah but I would NEVER be so beat down that I would willingly want to put a child around people that have PROVEN they are unsafe!
I almost died a few years back due to COVID. I didn’t want my daughter at her house around my Dad and she STILL CHOSE to take her to her house. She had absolutely no regard for my concerns at all nor any regard for my child’s safety. I get out of the hospital where my brother tells me that she called him and asked if my kid could sleep in the bedroom right next to the livingroom where the creep slept. Um, shouldn’t that have set off bells and whistles in HER head? Like holy fucking shit! NO ONE could be that fucking stupid!
I think my Mom herself has definitely tested the limits with all of this and I don’t trust her either. Her whole life has been revolved around my creep of a Dad and little brother for decades and all she cares about is making them so much more important than anyone else. No one else matters and I can’t deal with that anymore. I won’t.
It’s been a really long time since I’ve felt safe around anyone and that bothers me a whole lot. I seriously just want people in my life that are safe for my daughter and myself. I’m tired of feeling like I have to constantly worry about being around anyone because the trust is gone.
Going to put my work shirt on. I’m going to pray it’s busy tonight so I can at least make my car payment. I’d love to get that paid tomorrow and not have to worry about it all weekend. I’m seriously so fucking sick of not making enough money and waiting until things are due before I can pay everything in full. It’s really getting old.
It’s okay to love people and miss them and still know that your life is better without them in it. I know that my life is definitely a lot less stressful not dealing with certain individuals. It sucks when you want certain people in your life but you don’t want their chaos anymore too. I’ve always been a lot happier when I’m not in contact with my Mom or anyone that shares my DNA. I saw my uncle the other day at walmart and he asked how my parents were and my response was, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to them” and that’s real.
I can honestly say that I’m grateful for absolutely every experience I’ve had in my life, good or bad because all of it has made me the person I am today. I’m glad that I’ve cried, struggled and been through so much alone because I am built for this shit and I can get through anything. I’m glad that I handled everything life threw at me without help but help is conditional and people can switch up on you in the blink of an eye.
Honestly, I think a lot of people are mad that I ain’t suffering the way they wanted me to. I think they are straight up disappointed. I think everyone truly wanted me to fail because they wanted me to be completely reliant on them to make it. I don’t think anyone has considered how it affects my kid, as long as I’m suffering they don’t mind if she does too. I’m beating the odds. I was left in shit situation and I’ve made the absolute best of it. I’ve gracefully played the hand I’ve been dealt and I’m making it happen.
I know what it feels like to have no village, no support system and be completely alone. I know what it is to stay up crying all night. I remember how much it affected me that no one cared and no one helped and now, I’m built from broken. I could understand if I ever had a drug or drinking problem but that was never the case. I was just surrounded by the wrong fucking people. People only care when it means you have no boundaries and can’t stand up to them. People care when it suits them and how much control they end up with.
I think my perspective on life and people changes all the time. I used to give trust until I couldn’t, I used to love and love hard, I used to see the good in people even if I made it up in my head. Now, you are what you show me. When people decide to cut me out of their life, I will help them stand on that decision. I don’t trust until I’m shown it’s safe to do so. I don’t really love anyone other than my daughter. I don’t go along with anything that I don’t like.
Anyways, I gotta go here in a minute. I’m praying I come home to the house in 1 piece and these kids are sleeping.
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