I worked last night and made $70. I am going to make my car note today and I’d like to make $65 to pay half my car insurance. Not sure if I’m working later or not because I want to take someone’s shift but they haven’t responded and a couple of managers said for me to just show up but then the one that does the schedule said they were over 90 hours that they can afford to pay everyone. I’m still waiting for her to answer my message to see if I could come for even a couple of hours. My friend sent me $25 and I’m going to use that for gas. I need to get cat food and a couple of things at the store.
My best friend that lives where we were is one of my favorite people. I honestly feel a lot of sadness when I talk to him because we live so far away. I really wish I could see him and hang out with him all the time. As much as I am glad to have left that hell hole, I miss my friend. It’s hard to watch him on 360 and I know right where he is and I remember driving those roads. It does get to me that I’m not there. There’s a lot of times that he needs me and I can’t physically be there. We clicked the first day we met where we worked and we’ve been super close all along. I do sometimes wish things were different.
I’m waiting for my daughter to wake up so I can get her in the shower. We’re going to that event today and I am pretty sure I’ve talked a couple of girls that I work with into going. I’ve already been up since like 4, I just couldn’t sleep and I’m wide awake so I’ve showered and I’m going to put make up on pretty soon. I’ve had a horrible runny nose for a couple of weeks so I took an allergy pill. This shit is driving me crazy!
I have also changed my music. I listen to a lot of the old 2000’s hip hop and new stuff because I need to not listen to anything with memories or feelings. The music you listen to every day really does affect you more than you think it does.
Yesterday I had a steak thing from Taco Bell, then a taco before I went to work and then a salad from Subway for dinner and I weight myself and I’m up a couple of pounds. Like WTF! I’m trying to lose 2 pounds by Monday morning. Then after that, my goal is another 20 pounds and then I’ll be good. I know that I shouldn’t weight myself everyday and everything you ate, drank, and your activity level from the day before affects it but I just want those 2 pounds gone! I’m down 3 pant sizes and it’s fucking amazing.
The last few days I’ve been thinking and realize that I am grateful for absolutely everything. I’m happy that I’ve gone through what I have because it’s made me the person I am. I think I am a good friend and have a lot going for me. I’ve worked my ass off to give my daughter the absolute best life I can and I do it on my own everyday. It feels good to be able to buy her whatever she asks for and she doesn’t go without. I had both parents growing up and I had nothing. Even though I’m owed all that CS, my daughter doesn’t ever suffer.
My blood pressure has been running kinda high and they’ve mentioned medication. I don’t want to go back on it because if you run out, you feel like ass. I know it’s high because I take Adderall and drink energy drinks everyday. I’m going to start trying harder to limit my caffeine intake. It’s just hard because honestly, it’s easier to just grab one out of the fridge than put ice and water in a cup. I know it’s stupid but I’ve survived off those for so long and I just feel off if I don’t drink one. I drink the ones that don’t have a lot of caffeine but I drink several a day.
I’ve come a long way since February. It’s a lot to process and that’s why I don’t think too deep in all this. There’s a lot of memories that I bury. I also don’t like feelings. I have spent enough time thinking about what if I would have done things differently or what if I would have said this. I don’t live in that mindset anymore. I have accepted that everything in this life is temporary and shit is going to happen no matter what. Even if it completely changes your life, hurts you or rearranges your plans. You just readjust and keep fucking going.
My Gramma had dementia. The main cause of that is anger. I’ve spent much of my life being angry and now, I don’t really have a lot of reasons to be angry and there’s no fucking point sitting around being angry with people or what they’ve done because that doesn’t hurt them, it only hurts you. I think once you realize that someone is shit, it’s completely okay to realize you want better for yourself. When I left there in February, I chose me. I chose my daughter. I even told her, I didn’t stay for you, I left for you baby.
I’m still so shocked and proud that I’ve lost 40 pounds. I never expected that. I always was the one that ate my feelings, it was my addiction. Now, I get annoyed if I’m eating and I’ve chewed too many times! Food isn’t my crutch anymore and I don’t need it to cope. I like that I eat a lot of salad, I watch my portion sizes and make sure to drink at least some water everyday. The past year, I’ve gone months without drinking any water so I’ve definitely stepped it up some. I know some days it just doesn’t happen but I am making a better effort.
I shower everyday, I wear makeup and I take care of my teeth. This whole deal where I’m actually able to prioritize myself is remarkable. I also like that I can make my money and not be torn apart for it. Since I’ve been home, not one person has cussed me out, threatened me or called me a name. I am truly a different person now. I have more reasons to smile than to frown. Even when things piss me off or annoy me, I don’t let it ruin my day. I can honestly say I’m grateful for all the bad I went through because it’s made me appreciate my life that much more. I completely understand that you have to go through Hell to get to Heaven.
It tears me up that my daughter went through a lot at my Mom’s and at my friends house but I do understand that all of this is preparing her for real life too. As her Mom, I just want to protect her from anything that is going to hurt her but I also understand that you can’t always do that and the more you try to save them from everything, you aren’t letting them have their own experiences and forming their own opinions. I know that I’m very upset with things but I also know that it probably helped her want to be at home too. She’s even told me that she was so uncomfortable at my friends house that she not only wouldn’t ask for food or something to drink, but she would hold her pee.
It does help that my daughter and I have always had a really great line of communication and I’m glad that she comes to me with any issues so that I can do my best to fix them. We really do have a good relationship and even my friends Mom told me the other day it’s because of how I raised her. I’m definitely proud of that. I have always wanted me kid to have a better relationship with me that I got with my parents.
I just pray that my daughter never feels about me like I do about my Mom. I was talking to this girl I work with just a couple of days ago about my Mom. I seriously told her that if I didn’t know my Mom and met her, I wouldn’t like her. I honestly think my Mom is too much of a people pleaser, can’t set boundaries, lacks the ability to say no, and all she wants to do is chase validation. I think she’s emotionally stunted and her maturity level isn’t of a 67 year old woman. Both her and my Gramma chased men and chased the wrong ones. I wish my Mom could just learn how to be okay by herself and learn how to keep herself busy and learn to leave her house to go do shit.
For me, I know being single and on my own more than anything else. I’m more okay with being by myself than I probably even realize. I seriously enjoy being in control of my time, my money, I can raise my daughter the way I want to, I can go do whatever I want and if I happen to meet people along the way great but I am going to live by my life to it’s fullest regardless who’s there. I want to live until I die. I don’t want to ever just be in survival mode ever again. I lived that while I was pregnant and after I had a small baby. I lived that for the 2 years I was with someone. I am going to live now. I think the reason why I’m positive now is because I know what it is to be breathing and drowning at the same time. To wake up in the middle of the night crying and convinced I was suffocating.
I came back here with 4 cavities, a hemmorage in my right eye, my scalp looked like dead fish scales and 40 pounds heavier. The cause for all these issues? HIGH CORTISOL LEVELS! My A1C in February was 6.8, it’s now 6.0 which is almost of a non diabetic. The only issue I have now is my blood pressure is elevated. It’s absolutely wild what the wrong situation can really do to a person. I didn’t just suffer financially, I’ve suffered physically and that pisses me off more than I can even describe.
There’s so many people I know and know of that have been through a lot of shit too but they are so focused on being the victim. How about looking at it as you survived and that makes you a champion. You are a winner. We all have a sad story but we all get to choose how live with it. I have a girl that I work with that has definitely given me a lot of motivation to turn my pain into power and make me a better person because of it. I remember when I was pregnant and going through PPD and I just had my friend that lives super far away for support. There was times where I didn’t even know how I got through the day. Then I think the best days are still coming. I think the bad things you go through shape you into the person you are meant to be. If you want to be the victim, you can be but how you choose to let it affect you is on you.
It only hurts if you let it. But you get to choose every single day how much you let something hurt you and for how long. For me, I think I’ve let things hurt long enough and I’m good to let it go. I can’t control how other people have chosen to be, but I can control how long I let it bother me. When I was pregnant and for the first like 4 years of my daughter’s life, all I ever really talked about was her Dad. I let him live rent free in my head for so long that it consumed me. It took me an embarrassing amount of time to accept that I was a single Mom of a beautiful little girl and he was never going to be the Dad she needed. It took me a long time to let go of the anger, I didn’t know who I was without it. I ran on hatred and nicotine for years.
My friend asked me the other day at her house if I was going to let my daughter go see him or unblock him from his phone. I told her that I think right now, her and I need to just focus on us and that I don’t want to set the example that it’s okay for someone to be awful and you stay in contact out of boredom or loneliness. I have spent years doing that and was more heartbroken and upset than if I would have just went no contact. I told her that I just don’t think it’s healthy because if he can’t even have a civil conversation with me, he probably shouldn’t be in contact with my daughter. I remember how he’d be ugly to me and then be really nice to her and take her out for ice cream because he knew I was probably considering leaving. He definitely played a very manipulative game before we left and I don’t have a lot of trust.
I told my best friend the other day that I’m not saying I’d never speak to him again but I need 6 months to get my head right and just worry about myself. I don’t enjoy talking to anyone that is constantly saying hurtful things and then I’m in a hard head space for days after. Maybe at some point down the line, I’ll unblock him and if we hear from him I’ll let him know right away that as soon as he gets mean and hurtful, I’m hanging up. I think it’s best for my daughter that he’s nothing more than a memory at least for now.
Sometimes I think the best thing you can do for own sanity and well being is to leave people in the shit they create for themselves. You aren’t doing them a service staying in contact so as soon as they think another mean thing, they’re calling you to bring you down. Everything unfolds the way it’s meant to and you just gotta pick up and keep going. It’s crazy when people have no self awareness and have issues with damn near everyone around them and they still don’t think they’re the problem. I can’t deal with shit like that anymore.
I even thought about my friend and if she happens to call me at some point, I am going to tell her everything my daughter said about her son hitting her, trying to push her down the stairs and bring up all the stuff she said she was going to give my daughter and I will let her know what I told my daughter when she asked me why she didn’t give her all the stuff that was promised. This girl has always known that her real Dad is a POS, she knows what step Dad was about and then promises my daughter an IPad, Robox gift cards, makeup, just everything under the sun and then didn’t do any of it.
My best friend that lives on the other side of the state, well his Mom calls me about once a week and we catch up on the times and I was telling her all this shit about my friend telling my daughter she was going to give her all this stuff and offered everything under the sun to both of us and then didn’t do it and she goes, “I fucking hate people like that” and it’s like yeah so do I, especially someone who’s known all this time what’s happened to both of us!
I have thought about it and I think she’s very immature, lacks emotional intellect and is going to be the victim in every situation. I also wonder if she told her husband that she OFFERED all the things to begin with! I also remember when I had asked her if she talked to her husband about flying us down to see my friend and she told me how he didn’t think I should be spending their money to go on vacation. It’s got to be some kind of mental problem to OFFER X, Y, and fucking Z to people and then make them feel like shit. It seriously has to be a mental illness! It’s also funny when she bought me some groceries a couple of times and didn’t tell her husband so it’s interesting that some stuff she tells him and other things to doesn’t. HMMMM
All of this makes me remember why I quit talking to her for all those years. People seriously do not change. I used to think that maybe if I cut contact long enough that maybe they’ll have some self reflection but that’s not a thing. I also love how once these people feel you wrong them, that’s all they focus on. Their brains aren’t wired to EVER see the situation from your side. Once a narc feels you’ve wrong them, there’s no coming back from that. It doesn’t matter what they’ve done and how they’ve caused things to go sideways, all they care about is being the victim and having zero accountability.
One of the things she said in her text is how because she said no, that now I don’t want anything to do with her. Um, I thought her husband said no? And also it wasn’t because the answer was no. it was because she had offered this, my friend was on Face time and heard all of it and then decided to not only say no but be emotionally abusive to boot. I guarantee she’s pulled this same shit on other people multiple times and they finally had enough just like I did. I don’t doubt it at all. I also feel that if she needs to run everything by him, WHY NOT DO THAT FIRST before getting people are excited and then deciding to be asshole?!?!?
My friend was on Face time when I was at her house the other day and she was the one sitting there looking up flights and said how she would fly him here FOR FREE. Then tells me she would fly my daughter and myself there FOR FREE! So for her to say that her husband doesn’t think I should be using their money to go on vacation is wild because she said she would fly us there for free and I do have a job so I would have paid for whatever we needed while we were there.
The biggest thing that I take away from all this and even my Mom watching my kid and is everyone’s help, love, and care is conditional.
My daughter has definitely talked to me about all this several times and I told her that basically you just don’t want to accept anything from people unless it’s your birthday or Christmas because even when they’re offering, taking anything can and will lead to conflict and potentially losing a friendship.
I’m very angry that we had to leave a really bad DV situation, had to leave most of our belongings behind and then we come back where we have to start all over and I have this friend that was helping but then decided that she was being used. I never asked for anything, she had offered and I wish that I wouldn’t have EVER been in any position to accept the help. I was on my own for damn near 20 years where I figured out every single problem by myself and never had any fucking help at all and it honestly just gets to me that I had put my daughter and myself in a situation that wasn’t long lasting and I had to take the help because now, her and I will probably never speak again.
I told my best friend the other day that above all else, I do appreciate all the help I received from my Mom and my friend but I also know that it was all conditional. They both wanted to use it to their advantage and it was a complete abuse of power. People will help but there’s always strings attached somehow. No one does anything out of the goodness of their heart and that’s why it’s so important to not accept help or money of any kind. After this, I will never again take anything that’s offered. Unless it’s like cooked food or something that doesn’t have any monetary value or cost much, I won’t take anything.
The trauma with this is so real. I was uncomfortable the other night when this girl I work with bought me a couple of tacos from Taco Bell. Even that made me uncomfortable. I thanked her, ate them and then struggled to not throw up the rest of the night. This has definitely left deep wounds and I think I really should get into counseling to work through all this.
I remember a few years back, I had bought a co-worker a gift card for Christmas and he wouldn’t take it. I felt really hurt and uncomfortable but I get it more now than I did then. When people are doing stuff for you, it puts them in a position of power and creates a massive shift in the relationship dynamic.
The truth is, I don’t use people. I am more than comfortable paying my own way and taking care of my daughter and our expenses. I don’t like anyone being able to say that I’ve used them and if my kid wouldn’t have been home the other day and saw those gifts she left, I would have returned them. I just don’t get how people do stuff for you, it’s completely their idea and then still say you used them. Like I just want to understand that thinking. I know that I have never once offered to help or gave someone money when it was my idea and then came around to feeling that they used me. I have been used all my life and I know what it feels like that I would never intentionally do it to someone else.
I’m just so pissed that I was in a really crappy situation that needed to end and it’s not like me to ever need help. I’ve always been someone that could figure shit out for myself and it’s not a fun feeling that I needed help but again, this is why I will never combine households with someone ever again. I have definitely learned my lesson and I would never want to worry that my daughter and I would go through it twice. It wasn’t just leaving that was hard, it was everything that came after.
I know that people will project a lot of their own insecurities on to you and they see things through their own lens but I’m having a hard time just accepting someone saying I used them. It’s definitely going to shape future relationships and has changed my brain chemistry. I know that she’s got a lot of issues on her own that have nothing to do with me but thinking that someone feels that way about me really hurts my feelings.
This is why I’ve always worked very hard to pay my own way. I never had help and I had to work my ass off to keep a roof over my head and have a car. I definitely wish that I would have had help over the years but after this, I’m glad that I struggled for everything. Don’t take anything unless you earned it. There’s a country song and the guy says, “we don’t take a dime if we ain’t earned it” that just popped into my head.
Anyways, we are going to our thing now. I’ll write when we get home. I want to go to work tonight but only if I can take someone’s shift because otherwise I would feel like I’m taking from other people, especially if it’s not busy. I do work tomorrow but I may do a side hustle later or something because I still need money.
More later.
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