Last night was complete shit. I made $55. I need to make at least my car payment and half my car insurance this weekend. I’m absolutely stressed about not making enough. I didn’t really worry about money until now which is good but it’s really frustrating that not only am I not making extra but fighting to make enough to cover what I need to. I also am not scheduled tomorrow so I need to try and get someone’s shift.
I have decided that I need a complete reset. My friend that still lives where I was is going to be moving closer to my ex and I told him last night I don’t need any updates. I don’t even talk about him anymore, I honestly rarely even think of him and I want a full six months where I am healing and I get a mental, emotional, and physical reset. I am in my healing and weight loss journey and that’s what I spend a lot of time taking care of. My life is so much better now and I actually have a purpose and I like what’s going on that I’m not going to make room for anything that brings me down and fucks with my head.
The other day I was talking to my best friend about how I actually give a lot of credit for how I am to my BD. I think when you have a narc BD it really does build your character and I like how I’m able to bounce back so much faster with things than before. I can detach very quickly and not sit and dwell in things that hurt me and I’m able to let go of things I can’t control. I was really checked out before I left which helped massively and then when I got back, I ran from the time I woke up until I went to bed every night and unintentionally started losing weight because I was just too busy to eat and I had so much shit to do everyday. I came back here and we had nothing and started from the ground up.
I’ve sat in my pain. I’ve felt the hurt. I just don’t want to be on my death bed years from now having regret that I stayed upset about something for so long that I wasn’t even living. I think when you decide to let something go, you rewire your brain. I think it’s good to think about stuff and reflect on everything but to be healthy and live a good life, you have to give it a time limit. I have spent many years of my life feeling angry and sad over other people’s behavior instead of just accepting it and moving forward. The beauty in life is that it goes on. I’m glad that I had all those bad days because it makes me so appreciative of the good ones. I know that I went through more than I deserved but it makes me more alert for next time.
Last night I was thinking about my friend and my Mom. I honestly believe that most of the people around me are narcs and they are going to be who they are and I have the choice to either accept their behavior or leave them alone. I can’t deal with people who only see things through their lens and don’t care what they’ve put you through, how they make you feel and they aren’t going to have any accountability or admit to being in the slightest bit wrong. I’ve been in so many situations where I wasn’t allowed to have boundaries and that’s the absolute worst thing in the world. I am so beyond grateful that now I do get to set limits and it feels great to know that I can stand up for myself and not worry about the consequence of someone getting mad and then I don’t have a babysitter.
I am super pissed that I’ve had to let so much go in order to keep my job and stay afloat and I wake up so grateful everyday that my daughter stays home and she’s completely comfortable with it. She may have a friend staying over tonight and then we are going to a free lunch thing tomorrow because I’m trying to get back out there and meet other people. I told her that we are going to work on making a new social circle. I refuse to keep trying to make dead end situations work with the people around us.
It feels so good to no longer be at anyone’s mercy. I no longer have anyone controlling me through my child, trying to make life altering decisions for me to fit their narrative or anyone deciding to stay away to hurt me through my daughter. I don’t have the time to explain how much shit has gone on over the years with my Mom and other people but a lot of it has definitely been abuse. When my daughter was a toddler, my Mom would babysit and eat all of our food and I said something so she stayed away for like 3 months and then came around and was super happy to hear how upset my daughter was because she wasn’t around. I could tell how proud she was that she was able to absolutely break my daughter’s heart because I had stood up to her.
I think all these people have definitely abused their power because I needed them to babysit and I never have to deal with it again. When I look back on everything, I feel that people have definitely abused me with babysitting my kid. I don’t know if there was ever a time where people watching her was healthy for me or for her. Other than her daycare or school, it’s been a complete nightmare ever needing help.
I can’t believe what I’ve dealt with all these years as a single Mom and I’ve managed to keep my mental health in check. I feel like I’ve survived war. That’s why it’s laughable when BD talks about being this huge victim. He has not even the slightest clue what I’ve endured all these years and what his child and been through while he lives for free and chooses to not work. He does whatever he wants every minute of every single day. He’s never once had to worry about a babysitter, missing work because she’s sick or there’s no school or even had to take her to a dr appointment.
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