I should really write since I have so much to write about but I just can’t really be bothered to get everything down. That’s why I titled the last entry as such because I was avoiding writing stuff down.
I had had two weeks to finish my final but the professor kept nagging me that I procrastinated hardcore and put the thing off until the last minute.... when I say that, I mean it literally not metaphorically or figuratively. I wrote an entire 22 page paper in 3 hours and turned it in with two-minutes and thirty-six seconds to spare. I spent the next five days going crazy with worry because I felt like I had turned in really shoddy work. It’s totally like me to procrastinate but not that late in the game.
The professor had made it clear that if I didn’t get a good grade on the final project, I wouldn’t pass the class, so I was formulating options on what to do in the likely event that I failed the class project. I wasn’t stressing about it like I usually do, I think I was just clinging to some meager disappointment in myself for taking so long.
The night before Thanksgiving, I got the grade back on my final. I got 100%. I was simply astonished. I went out to celebrate on Thanksgiving night and ended up with the worst sexual experience I’ve ever experienced (that’s a whole separate entry).
Since that was done, I decided to make a plan. So I spent the weekend formulating a plan for what the next few months will look like, of course it’s a very loose plan because I don’t really set anything in stone....
So I’m going to keep working my current job while I finish my protracted battle with the FBI, which is finally drawing to a close, and that will determine my path afterward (am I heading to Asia or Central/South America? We shall see). Finding a place to finish my in-class portion of my certificate has been a little bit of a process. I’m going on a cruise to Mexico on Feb 29, and once I return from that, I will begin the process of moving out of the United States (hopefully, permanently)
I ended up at Richard’s school seeking out where I can complete my in-class hours and afterward we went and had a drink. The first time we actually have spent time together in forever… and it felt like we were adults for the first time. I know that sounds stupid, but I don’t feel 36.
We talked about the directions of our lives and Richard got all sentimental. He was talking about how nice it is that we’ve survived the peaks and valleys of our lives, and he looked at me and said, “You’re just getting out of a really deep valley.”
I told him, I don’t really think of it that way. I think of it more like a river, obstacles may change its course but it can’t stop it from flowing. This past season has been more like a blockage, a dam was built, but eventually the pressure builds up and the dam bursts. That’s all that’s happening.
While having an endpoint in sight has definitely reduced my anxieties in one area, having to organize and figure shit out has given me new anxieties. Whatever. I’m just anxious. All the time. Non-stop. It won’t ever end and that’s fine for now. Suffering is only temporary. Just like pain. Or happiness.