~Octopussy~

I'm not really sure what to write about myself. I'm just moving forward because that's all I can do... except when I'm here, usually that means I'm obsessing about the past.

Power is being told you are not loved and not being destroyed by it.

Madonna

Entries 247

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September 07, 2018

Dreams in Things That I'm Grateful For

Angel I’m walking down some kind of passage, all I can perceive is a brick wall to my right. Somehow the pathway is lit before me in a way that completely directs my path forward. To the left is ...


A - Age: 34 (but only for a few more weeks) B- Biggest Fear: I just went over this in the last entry.... being abandoned. C- Current Time: 15h55 on a Monday. D- Drink you last had: Earl Grey with...


Yesterday an incident happened which caused a sharp crack in my somewhat fragile mental health recovery. I mean, I didn’t sleep all night because I was crying in terror, afraid to fall asleep. It...


So I decided to go to my family’s church yesterday. I wanted to see if this was the source of the political hatred that has suddenly washed over my family. Let me tell you, I haven’t been to chur...


So there have been two other wrenches thrown into my plan to head back to LA in the timely manner in which I had first charted out. The first of which is my former employer, whom I shall be seein...


Chuckie is continuing to slide into territories I find truly frightening. Are there Mexican Neo-Nazis? The other day he was wearing a red shirt emblazoned with that famous photo of Ché Guevara wi...


I knew that making an announcement about my intentions to leave LA was a very bad idea because my mother has done absolutely everything in her power to wind down the clock. Now, I’m not really bl...


Last week was such a crazy, whirlwind of a week that I don’t even want to talk about it. It was filled with a lot of interesting things, and I spent nearly four days straight with Richard. It was...


I came home from work the other night and my parking spot as well as all the guest parking spots were taken up by my little brother’s friends. Honestly, I didn’t even get mad. In the past, every ...


Richard has been making frequent trips to visit now that he’s out of school and only has to work weekends at the bar in San Francisco. This means that he’s not just seeing me, he’s also seeing hi...


I know it’s been a while, but it’s been gradually increasing in intensity as time has gone on. The drag show was fine. It was a bit of a mess simply because my friend that was supposed to help m...


I hate that everything is so difficult right now. I have to fight for every damn thing. I have to struggle to feel fine, feel normal, feel even just a minute amount of self-love and each step of ...


April 15 is the one year anniversary of the death of my grandmother. We all know how well that turned out for me, I’m still trying to deal with the consequences of that whole situation. I still h...


I’m sorry I’ve been MIA recently, I’ve been battling to get my health under control, which has been more of a struggle than I’m really used to. Apparently while I was absent, Prosebox was ending…...


I’m watching Love Or Whatever, and Jennifer Elise Cox is sooooo fucking hysterical. She portrayed Jan Brady in the 90s Brady Bunch movies (which are quite possible two of the funniest films ever ...


I know it’s been so many months since I’ve written anything significant, but after my suicide attempt in September, I had to change everything about my life. I cut everyone off, quit my job, and ...


I’m I haven’t written in ages, but I’ve been focusing so much on my novel that it has completely sapped by desire to write elsewhere. A strange thing happened to me recently, I was finally at the...


I know it has been a horribly long time since I’ve written and there’s no excuse other than I haven’t felt like it. Not even when my birthday rolled around. I’ve spent the last month trying, rath...


Well, it’s been a pretty crazy couple of weeks. Crazy because I’m doing everything possible to keep myself from going crazy. Since I cut off all contact with Richard, I’ve quit my job and gotten...


I’ve spent the last week grappling with everything that happened. I felt like I stabbed myself in the chest for nearly 4 days. It was like a had a constant, heavy pain pressing on my body. After ...


I called Richard, and through gasps and tears, I told him it would be best if we didn’t see each other for a while. He only replied, “I don’t know what to say.” There’s nothing to say. I love him...


I went to San Francisco this week. It was disastrous mainly because it illustrated how I can’t seem to keep my emotions in check. We were out having a good time, and then out of nowhere, Richard ...


September 02, 2017

Madonnarama in The Song Remembers When

The Rebel Heart Tour is being released in a few weeks, and I’m trying to think of what my absolute favorite Madonna songs are. You’ll probably notice, I’m much more into Madonna’s later stuff. Ge...


So in the past couple of months I’ve tried to tame myself. I’m only going after men that are actually my type. I’ve spent too much time chasing guys that I believe are hot only because people tel...


August 13, 2017

Bitchin' in The Song Remembers When

I don’t know why and I’m not going to analyze why, but I totally identified more easily with female singers and bands when I was younger. I think it’s because I was raised in such a feminine envi...