~Octopussy~

I'm not really sure what to write about myself. I'm just moving forward because that's all I can do... except when I'm here, usually that means I'm obsessing about the past.

Power is being told you are not loved and not being destroyed by it.

Madonna

Entries 229

Page 1 of 10

Well, it’s been a pretty crazy couple of weeks. Crazy because I’m doing everything possible to keep myself from going crazy. Since I cut off all contact with Richard, I’ve quit my job and gotten...


I’ve spent the last week grappling with everything that happened. I felt like I stabbed myself in the chest for nearly 4 days. It was like a had a constant, heavy pain pressing on my body. After ...


I called Richard, and through gasps and tears, I told him it would be best if we didn’t see each other for a while. He only replied, “I don’t know what to say.” There’s nothing to say. I love him...


I went to San Francisco this week. It was disastrous mainly because it illustrated how I can’t seem to keep my emotions in check. We were out having a good time, and then out of nowhere, Richard ...


September 02, 2017

Madonnarama in The Song Remembers When

The Rebel Heart Tour is being released in a few weeks, and I’m trying to think of what my absolute favorite Madonna songs are. You’ll probably notice, I’m much more into Madonna’s later stuff. Ge...


So in the past couple of months I’ve tried to tame myself. I’m only going after men that are actually my type. I’ve spent too much time chasing guys that I believe are hot only because people tel...


August 13, 2017

Bitchin' in The Song Remembers When

I don’t know why and I’m not going to analyze why, but I totally identified more easily with female singers and bands when I was younger. I think it’s because I was raised in such a feminine envi...


I know I haven’t written but in truth, not much has happened. How often can I write about a cycle that repeats itself? How many times can I say “this is bad” without anything really changing? Wh...


I spent the entire rest of the week trying to deconstruct what happened with Richard. Or stop myself from deconstructing. I didn’t drink or smoke. I went to bed at 9:30 every night. Until Saturda...


Someone posted that on my Facebook page in response to something in French, and I’ve never laughed so hard about something Russian.


Do you make your bed? I don’t even sleep in a bed. I don’t have one and haven’t had one since I left Los Angeles. Yet another reason to leave. Also why staying away from home is such a treat. The...


The weekend was exactly what I needed. It had so many shades to it and it was amazingly complex, although sickeningly simple at the same time. I wondered how it was going to go especially since R...


I had to escape this week. Karen, my mother’s friend whom I used to live with, invited me to stay at her place for the week since the service arrangements were going to absolutely overwhelm every...


When I was younger, I loved the stories of Edgar Allan Poe. For whatever reason, those dreary stories about death, murder and the impending Hell seemed perfectly normal for my teenaged brain. Alt...


She said, “We don’t know now but it won’t hurt this bad forever.” I replied coldly, “Yes, it will.” “I know it feels like that now,” she answered,” but someday it will feel like less of a weight....


I finally had a day off today and I spent most of it watching a 6-hour documentary on the making of the original set of Star Trek movies. I really don’t know how people feel about Star Trek any l...


My mother is diving deep into planning my grandmother’s service. She’s been dead for months but the service isn’t until July 1st. She’s put every ounce of grief into making this as bombastic as p...


I’m currently in the middle of yet another massive “self-help” entry that will take me weeks to complete, so I thought I’d fill this out. Current book: Last night, I just finished re-reading Some...


I know that that last entry was a rambling mess, but that’s because I wrote it over a period of about two weeks and kept losing my train of thought and coming back to it. To boil it down to somet...


So there I was at at Sarah’s mother’s with all of these adults that have known me since I was 4. Once I knocked over Sarah’s 1-year-old nephew, I stayed in the corner pretty much by myself. I did...


My little brothers think I’m being overdramatic because I’ve said that I won’t be going to my grandmother’s memorial service. Ironically, my mother completely supports my decision. I think it’s t...


The repetition of my life is a little bit more frayed at the edges than was visible prior to my grandmother’s death. And yes, I say death. My mother is saying all kinds of softer words, and I kno...


I kind of touched on something in the survey I posted that I wanted to expand on… I can’t listen to most music anymore. If we’re friends on Facebook, you’ll notice I’ve posted a lot of music but ...


Since these days I’m always looking for a good distraction, here’s a really intrusice survey. Sexual Orientation? I don’t know that I have a simple answer for this any longer. It’s definitely n...


I lit the scented candle on my desk. Pipe tobacco and patchouli. The only scented candles I owned smelled like different men that I’ve loved in my life. I took a look around and observed how litt...


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