Easter was a bust. A mega bust.
Everything and every move that I made I was reprimanded for… “Andres! Uncross your legs!” “Andres sit up straight, like a man!” “Andres! Why is your hair frizzy!” “Andres why are you wearing so much perfume!”
In the middle of our Roman Catholic Church service, I had, had enough! Like MAMI IF YOUR EMBARRASSED OF ME, LET ME FUCKING KNOW BECAUSE NO-ONE SEES ME THE WAY YOU SEE ME! I’m the only asshole in this broke down church wearing two-thousand dollar shoes, and carrying an 18k Hermès indigo alligator clutch and I know my audience, so this clutch fits in my back pocket. The perfume she’s smelling saying that I smelled like a trashy “cualquiera maricon” (whatever type of faggot) is a bottle of $200 PARFUM by Tom Ford.
I walked out of church service and my mom said something disgusting along the lines because I am gay, I can not partake in communion. And YES I fucking get it, I can’t take communion, but I am more man than you have ever known.
I walked out of church crying, and I was angry and I wanted to hit someone or something and my sister is telling me to calm down and take a breath… I took my ass down to a local restaurant and drank.
I showed up to mom’s nursing home and she was furious with me… and I can take a beating… I can take a physical beating, I can take an emotional beating—but when I’ve had enough, I will fucking eat you alive.
My mom just kept picking at me about walking out of church and I blew up on her… and I cried belligerently… “you’re a fucking animal, you’re a fucking hypocrite! I may be a sinful faggot and an abomination, but you’re a monster and before I go to hell for my sins, you will be burning in eternal damnation for being an awful mother” and the whole room was completely silent. “You wanna fucking die, you don’t give a fuck about me or anyone! Fucking do me a favor and kill yourself and stop making me and my siblings part of your loophole in suicide!” And my sister grabs me and I crumble in her arms “I should’ve died because you left me to fend for myself, I should’ve been a statistic—you’re a beast, you’re not a mother and I keep standing here over and over trying to find your acceptance, but you will never accept me! I pray to God that you don’t go to hell for what you’ve done to me, I pray to God every single day and before you go to Hell, I will trade my soul for yours… because I know what hell is Mami… and for some fucked up reason I want you to live in happiness and never know experience the hell that you’ve put me through” and I felt myself collapsing and my sister just grabbing me and crying and with me “you don’t deserve a son like him Mami, don’t fucking touch him! I will break your hand if you touch him!” And my mom is just stupid about everything that she said.
My brother comes in and sees me crying and sucking up my tears to keep a facade and he’s angry… and he becomes belligerent and tells my mother “I love you because your my mother, but my little brother is the epitome of why I love you…you’re a fucking monster and before you mom, I’m taking care of my baby brother, he’s fucking paying for you to live in this nursing home, you’re just awful, you don’t deserve my little brother, you abandoned him for being gay”
All my mom could say was “well he can’t cross his legs at church, he should talk in a deeper voice, his hair shouldn’t be frizzy” I love you Mami, but if you’re embarrassed of me and you’re living in a nursing home–that of which I had a 100k bill sent to me, and I paid in two fucking invoices—you don’t fucking love me! You are fucking lucky to have me as your son!!!! I’m the defect of the family in your eyes, but I’m the asshole that can afford your healthcare—no matter if you spit on my face and treat me like shit, I will always be here… I don’t hold grudges. The past is the past and I grow from my past, but don’t try me—I don’t give a fuck if your my mother or Jesus Christ himself… if you attack me, I will destroy you from the inside out, because I have ammunition for it and I’m insidious like that… I don’t want you to suffer physical pain, because physical pain is temporary—I want you to suffer mental, emotional, psychological pain and I’m holding back the type of nasty virus I am because you’re my mother… but let it be known Mami, I will make your last days on this fucking earth beyond any Hell your church has imagined. I will give you the same dark, black gift you gave to me as a teenage child, you will feel alone and abandoned; you will suffer the more than I’ve suffered—and I promise you, you will fucking beg for eternal damnation and beg to die if you keep fucking with my Pandora’s box. Don’t fuck with me Norma… I will fucking feast on your rotten soul. I will never hurt you physically, I will be the last scorching pain that you scream out and I promise you that your spirit will scream out for mercy… because I had to learn to contain the death, betrayal, unabashedly angry and hate you gave to me to exist in…
I don’t hate you, you’re my mom, you’re my life source…but I didn’t become the MAN I am today because of you; I am the man I am today in SPITE of you. You hated me, you still hate me… and I’m still trying to get your approval—but I will always be a faggot to you, I will always be less than to you…and as much as my eyes drip out tears—I’m not crying because I believe I’m less… I am crying because I really pity you. I am crying because I’m exactly what you wished for…and you’re so ungrateful.
My brother and my sister NOW are astonished that for 1 month $100k for my mom’s healthcare and they are trying to scramble money to pay this bill… and because I’m the baby of the family, I’m always left out. I’m just like, “cool, just write a check—where’s my checkbook?” And my brother is like “Andy! You have that type of money?!” And my sister is like “Andy stop paying for shit, I’ll find another solution!” They are both right, but they never involved me in my mother’s mess because I’m the baby, they need to take care of me and take care of her—but I’m fucking 34 years old, I take care of myself and not to brag but even when I take a piss, I piss fucking quarters.... I’m not rich, but my net worth is in the millions; specifically somewhere between 2.5 and 3.5 million…
So happy fucking Easter Mami… I throw a lot of money into a charity researching Alzheimer’s… it’s a fucking awful disease and I will go bankrupt HAPPILY, so that no other little boy like me will ever experience this destitute loneliness.
I may be a faggot. I may be disgusting to you…but my sex life has nothing to do with who I am as a person…I will go to hell happy, knowing that I was a good son… but don’t try me in this world… you don’t want this dark, black gift. I’ve made misery my pet, but I can let it loose and it will eat you up like cancer. I promise you that the awful negativity I inherited and contained isn’t anything that anyone wants for themselves… and my mother is trying my patience…
I told her that she was disgusting to treat me the way she did at church… and then after church in her privileged little room by herself, unlike the other fucking old people—I told her “I’m not your fucking puppet, you’re not gonna talk to me like I am less. You keep telling me I’m not a man, cause I’m a homosexual—but I’m more of a man that you will ever know…” and she was like “is that a threat?! You’re threatening your own mother?! I gave birth to you and I will kill you too!” She said.
“Then fucking kill me! You’re a bitter fucking bitch! You’re an animal! I should’ve died because of you!” And she slapped me hard on my face.
“Fucking beat me and kill me! You fucking coward! Everything comes full circle, you live in a privileged existence because of me! You’re faggot son, you wanna slap me again?! You fucking monster! I should leave you here to die!” And she slapped the shit out of me again and my brother and sister were crying and trying to pull me away from my mom.
“Fucking hit me as many times as you want!” I said crying “you’re my mother and even if you humiliate me, you reject me, you hate me—I will always be here; and on your deathbed you will remember who the fuck I am…” and she grabbed me by my hair and my throat, slapping the fuck out of me and my brother and sister pulled every single finger of hers off of my throat and I just smirked at her.
“A faggot pays your fucking stay at this nursing home. You can spit at me, you can hurt me all you want—but your mother has told me from childhood exactly what I know now; I will teach you what true unconditional love is… you abandoned me, you hated me for something I didn’t even know about—but I’m still here and I am your last test, slap me Mami, beat me, kick me out, abandon me—watch my brother and sister cry ripping me from you…
I never did anything wrong. Unfortunately, I just loved you too much… I take care of you the way you wished to take care of me…but I was never afraid of you and I hope when your time comes, you can leave in peace.
Grandma always said I never belonged to you…