The trials and tribulations in Musings

The very thing I love about him, I hate about him in this battle of paradoxes…

And I’ve also felt this way about Alexander… and most definitely know that I’m in some sick competition with him that he’s just like “huh? Me no race with spirit love, me love you, me wanna be on good sofa and watch tv—possibly get head or maybe fuck spirit lover” because when he does something in his very kind and ignorant gestures and ways—they make sense when I step back and look at them, because he’s a very, very typical guy… he buys me diamonds while I am stressed the fuck out with my mother and arranging nursing homes and dealing with 100k$ bills and cleaning her house… but I can’t be upset at him because in the past what he knows is that I become a little happier when I have sparkly things…and he’s bisexual—he doesn’t think like a gay man; he doesn’t think and overthink the way that I do because I’m a gay man… he thinks very direct… very Pavlovian theory and the mouse, the mouse gets burned twice and learns no to do it again.

And I had to be with my mother on Easter, even though I was hosting Easter and sent invites in mid January for my Easter even… and he just told me not to worry, he’s able to host—he said in mid-March; ‘what’s it to hosting?! It’s catered and Jennifer is gonna come? She can help me right?”

So he hosted Easter with Jennifer, while I was continually roasted for being gay,,, my hair, my crossed leg, deepen my voice, stand up straight like a man!

Church was at 9 AM I walked out at 9:23 AM spent my time at my mom’s nursing home drunk from my 10:45 AM to 4:49 PM.... got to the Easter party at my apartment by 5:43 PM and everyone was gone… and I felt defeated and I cried on Jennifer…
Jennifer held me and laughed and said “you hear how silly you sound? You’re worried about this dumb ass Easter party?!!? Me and Alex rocked it!” She said wiping my tears away “don’t try to keep up with the jones’ Andy” and she helped clean and left…

Alex didn’t know how to talk to me or approach me, but he did timidly.... and eventually he was holding me as I cried in his arms…
“I got you babe, you’re mine, mon tresor, mon beau, mon chou” and all his French names for me and I cried and cried on his chest because I don’t know what happens next, what happens when one life is ending and I have a billion paradoxical feelings??? I hate you mom, but I love you!

And his shirt soaken wet with my tears he reaches for an Ativan and because he is my bestfriend and soulmate he said “you can take this pill babe and feel better in 20-30 minutes or I can rip your clothing off right now and fuck all of your sadness away with immediate results from the endorphins caused by lust. Choose one”

I chose him. I don’t want to depend on drugs to find some solace and peace. I just grabbed his hand and kissed him grabbing the pill and throwing it behind the couch....

He ripped off my pants and he extremely hard by the time I heard the pill hit our marble floors. I felt him penetrating me and he was wiping tears off my eyes.
“Don’t cry while I’m trying to fuck you!” He said smirking and kissing the residue of the streams of my tears.
He kissed, sucked, jerked cuddled, throbbed all in succession… like a manual that he learned to bring me pleasure and joy… and I just started to laugh when he started to kiss my chest.
“What’s funny?” He said as he held my hips…

I realized then that Alex is a very methodical man, he doesn’t think with emotions he thinks with a very decided calculated structure that he has filed in his mind, and in this instance, how to make Andy happy…

And when I kept laughing he pulled out of me offended, confused and I explained what I thought… and he said “yeah that’s why I am so in love with you, you’re so beautiful that way and different from me. I’m envious that if I have a bad day, you just know exactly what to do and every time it’s a different detail and you pull me out of my funk the perfect way” he sat on the sofa rubbing my shins and my feet.

“You should let go. Do what feels right and not what you’ve learned is right from the responses”

Shortly after he fucked the living shit out of me and fucked my sadness away temporarily.

I really do love him. There’s no rhyme or reason. We look completely different. We are absolutely completely opposing personality’s…

But I adore his very technical ways. He’s straightforward and even though he says I’m the most beautiful, complicated headache—his simplicity of life is absolutely beautiful and it gives me a headache… and I just am obsessed with him.