She Came Back in I Never Felt So Low

Ok so we left off really shitty.

But today, out of the blue, she calls me and I’m happy about it. Like she talked to me about stuff that I won’t talk about here but know that she is struggling. Please anyone who is reading this, know this.

She is hurting. She is dealing with a lot.

Turns out that everyone was in love with her. Which WTF she didn’t give them anything to feel like that but welp, they did it anyway. I’m telling her that she is not in control of that. The thing is that she is in control of who she is and what she does.

So, she is telling them that there is nothing in form of romance that she wants from them. So, hopefully, they back off.

DeeJay was dumb enough to say he was going to Canada to ask her out which what the fuck bro? Why the fuck would you do that when you know she just wants to be friends? BECAUSE SHE SAID SHE WANTED TO BE FRIENDS!

Dude, we aren’t even dating cause I RESPECT her. So right now, nothing about romance even though we both know we love each other so this is super hard. I have to keep myself so centered. Thank God she called me cause I was going to go on a date with this guy Mark whose Canadian but he lives here in Miami. What the hell. I have a type. Clearly. I will fuck you if you are Canadian.

Anyway, all of her friends confessed that, even the New Girl whose not so new anymore and MJ feels like she is being taken out of her own group which is horrible!

Then she is still struggling with Shithead (her ex whom I wanna kill. No I want him dead). Listen, there is a good reason I want him dead.

She misses the relationship aspect of being held and being with someone which I wish to God I could do but right now I am so broke beyond broke that I dunno if I can make it to Canada for her birthday like I planned because she needs someone there for her. I wanna be there for her because I love her deeply. I wanna be there.

I know last entry I was angry but that’s cause I didn’t understand her which is so DUMB because I felt the EXACT same way when I went through my bullshit. Now she wants to be friends with Shithead and I know that isn’t a good idea cause I tried that with both of my abusers and it didn’t work out at all. I hope that she does not get hurt by him again cause I swear to FUCK. I will find a way to Canada with my 3 inch blade…

Off that topic cause it is giving me HELLA RAGE!

NO ONE HURTS THE WOMAN I LOVE… NOT EVEN ME! I am so MAD at myself. I AM SO MAD!

I gave her guilt cause she feels like she really destroyed me which she didn’t. It hurt like hell. I lost my mind but then I was okay cause I knew that I had to move on but then she said she did love me and wow. I was so… confused by her. Cause she was saying “yes I wanna be with you” but then she would push me away. I didn’t understand and today with what she said, I totally get it now. I have to be patient if I want to be with her and I do so.

There is nothing else I can say about what she told here in public.

But know that I love her. Know that she is a good person with a huge heart and a lot of love in her. Its not her fault she was beaten down and broken. She didn’t even believe that I or anyone else could love her. To her, it made no sense. That is what truly breaks my heart because she is so beautiful and so full of love. She’s my Mikki. I love her so much. Trying hard not to break down and cry with what she told me.

God, grant me the strength to be here for her and to be her friend first and foremost because she needs that shoulder to cry on. I want to be there for her because she is my world.