Okay, so I have been sorta a jerk. Mental illness comes with a lot of hurdles and shit. So, I am trying to understand her a bit better. Which isn’t easy but each day it gets a little easier. I saw something on Tumblr that said, “you don’t have to change your life overnight, but try to add good things to it each day.”
I kinda feel that’s what I’m trying to do and so is she.
It feels weird being so in love with this goddess who doesn’t really let me in. Yes, we spend the days together but she doesn’t, tell me things. She made a new friend and I’m proud of her. They are talking and stuff.
However, part of me feels that this is the way she is when she is into someone. Which its totally okay if that were the case, which she doesn’t deny, she just deflects with “I don’t wanna date anyone”. Which is valid.
So, where does this leave me? In a shit position. Because the same way she would talk to me a bit about Liam, this is what she’s doing to talk about me to her, the new girl, whom is gay, beautiful and smart. So, here we go. I can either wow her enough to stay or lose her. In the end, all that matters is that she is safe and happy.
That makes it hard on me though for a few reasons:
I have no one else contending for my affections. Not even a little bit. I have people who talk to me and ask me for sex but that is about it. So then this kinda leaves me just kinda hanging there by a thread.
It’s reminding me a bit of what happened with Nina. When the relationship kinda gets where you spend too much time together. There are things that annoy me that she does and then there are things that annoy her about me. So its kinda weird being in these skype calls. Which is what we are doing. Sorry kinda going into a whole new topic now. Hold on tight, kids!
But I kinda get it at times. Like right now we had a nice exchange and I dunno. I dunno if she looks at me or not. I doubt it. She doesn’t really talk to me or even look at me anymore so I doubt it.
I mean she says there is still a chance for us but I see the romance gone from everything. Even the way she says hi or something. It’s more sweet and airy when she sees new girl. Whom I need to give a nickname to cause new girl is kinda rude.
She is sweet. The most I know tho is:
-Gamer
-Plays overwatch
- Not straight.
- Beautiful. Like holy shit she is so gorgeous and I should stop right there cause I dunno how old she is. Or if she is even into dudes.. or me? doubtful! ANYWAY MOVING ON! (I think she is into girls more tho)
UMMM
YEAH
THAT IS IT
Okay so she constantly texts MJ!!!! WHICH IS FINE buT LIKE I TEXT HER AND I GET NOTHING
Maybe its me. It has to be me. Cause I dunno what the fuck to talk about half the time because she doesn’t really let me in with even basic shit. Like we could have bonded over anime but nope, we didn’t. Yet New Girl comes in and she is all over her. All over her like a sack of meat. God, I hope she doesn’t read this cause this will upset her but what she needs to understand is:
You used to be like this with me and the more you got to know ME, the more I lost YOU.
Okay, so new girl is also super like me. Shy, cute, smart and bisexual, maybe.. some kind of gay lmao
Anyway! Here we go. If I do not get my shit together soon, I am gonna lose any chance of dating her in the future. She says that there is a chance but I feel like each person she likes right now, has a chance. You feel me? It’s like a race. A competition and I am bad at competing and I ruin shit for myself.
Ethan is still annoying the fuck out of me. I made Mckaila the Mom of him. That should shut him up for a while.
Bueno.
Anyway, what else can I say? I dunno how to get through to her and connect again. We used to have a connection. I felt so good and so awesome with her and then it kinda just died down when she left. Then she came back and I thought I could rebuild the connection but it didn’t feel like her heart was in it. And now.. well I dunno.
I dunno what to say to her. She is over here writing essays to her friends and I get one liners. And I give her one liners, two liners and paragraphs and stuff. God, I dunno!
I wanna just figure it out and then move on to the next issue cause that is how relationships work in my experience and my experience is shit so I dunno.
I want to go say something to her but I just stare at her like an idiot.
AWWWHWHWHWHWNAOIJAWIXJAIJA
I hate social anxiety so much!!
I mean she knows how I feel and shit but I have to do something to keep her interested but I can’t.
She talks to New Girl and not me.
“When you have two people quiet people in your Skype”
Aww cute thanks babe
“I am saying something”
“You look sleepy” aww it is at me?
“New Girl replies”
“…” me
me internally: …what the hell just happened?
ok, so she left and stuff and now here I am just kinda here.
my back hurts and junk.
can’t focus.. need to stop now. lol
Thanks for playing along if you read this mess.
We talked.
she gave me her <3
and now I feel better btw.
k
k
I need to go.
I need to do other things too. Like make sure the disability thing gets sent in.
Every time I have an issue with MJ, she always tries HER HARDEST to make it right which makes me think she is in love with me which makes me happy but I hope I don’t bore her and I hope she doesn’t leave me and I hope I end up with her.
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