Sending out an s.o.s in Well now

Yesterday everyone at work got a bulk email from our colleague Willie.

“Greetings,
Hope this email finds you well. I made a trip to Manila. Philippines Unfortunately, the chip on my card was confirmed damaged as it was unable to transfer fund or pay any of my bills. Am wondering if you can spare me $3,500USD which I will refund in few days upon my return. Please let me know if I can count on you and I need you to keep checking your email because it’s the only way i can reach you.

Thanks,
Willie “

Willie is one of our religion teachers who could very well have gone on a mission-type trip for the summer. If he were in actual trouble, people would drop everything to help him.
But this is modern life with internet enhancements, we all knew it was probably just some lonely Nigerian prince with too much time on his hands.

When I did call Willie just to check though, more for fun than out of concern,
he said that he’d already gotten over a dozen calls,
that he was not in Manila,
but if anyone wanted to send him money,
well, he wouldn’t feel polite in refusing.

I could have let it go at that, but…
Instead
I went to google -
opened a gmail account in my tortie cat Esme’s name
and replied to “Willie” from there.

Willie –

OMG!

I am so sorry to hear of your travel disaster.
How terrible to have such misfortune on your exciting trip.
I would send you money but, since you sent your request out in bulk,
I’m certain that many of our mutual friends have already transferred you
enough funds to get out of trouble.

Besides, and I am embarrassed to admit it,
I’m in a bit of a financial bind myself.

I’m certain you noticed that the last Powerball jackpot was over $300 million.
Well, I had this great idea.
I decided that the best way to win would be to use my life’s savings
to purchase every ticket I could possibly afford.
I mean, with 17,893 tickets, I knew one of them had to be a winner.
Alas, I was wrong.

Willie, I’m totally broke and desperate.
I don’t have enough money to pay the mortgage
and I may lose my house if you don’t help.
With the surplus from what all our friends sent to help you out,
could you possibly spare $1349USD to keep me from being thrown out on the street?
After all the years we’ve been friends, you know I’m good for it.

I await your reply.
Please hurry!

Your old friend Kitten-ears,
Esme McKenna