settle back down in 2017

April 21, 2017
12:36pm

I am very much procrastinating on typing this out and I have no idea why. I’ve already got most of what I want to say worked up in my head. I was thinking about it last night as I tried to fall asleep. We had to come into work at 8:30 this morning so I’ve had plenty of time to start this up but it’s just been so hard to sit still. I don’t know if it’s because I don’t want to say these things, or if this is just my usual procrastination. There are other things I could be doing, and I’m not avoiding work, but I am avoiding this for some unknown reason. Let’s see what I can get out in the next few minutes if I force myself to sit and type.

4.22.17 5:30pm
And of course I found a reason to continue to procrastinate! We were getting ready to leave the office and I remembered I wanted to order a new battery for the laptop so it can tide me over until I decide to get a new one. I also ended up finding a new dress to buy because I had to spend over a certain amount for free shipping. That’s a legitimate reason to buy a new dress right? One that I have no idea when I’ll ever get the chance to wear. hah. It’s good to have just in case though! Oh and K’s wedding will probably happen within the next year so there. Perfect. =) It should all arrive on Tuesday.

After I placed the order, we packed up and headed home. Well first we drove around town through the new houses we hadn’t seen. On the way back we decided to go exploring. So we came home to change, had a quick lunch, grabbed camera gear and headed out to the back roads. I think we were both kinda curious to figure out where the Sheriff was describing but trying to be subtle about it. haha. Long story short: we went the opposite direction, found a road he mentioned on the gps, turned around to go back towards it, drove down this lone road and saw basically nothing, took almost 200 pictures in the process, and came back home. [We also ended up driving down the road TF lives on on the way back at her suggestion. Neither of us brought him up until she saw a brown truck and insisted it was him, which it definitely was not! It was so weird that she wanted to go near there. We haven’t spoken about it but I know she realizes we’re not talking anymore..]

We did joke about how now I wouldn’t be able to stalk the Sheriff because we went down so many roads that I have no idea which one he actually meant. I joked about how I was planning to sit out by his fence and pretend I was lost when he found me. Or making friends with his grandmother [and mom goes, “She would love you!”, because old people do love me!] and when he walked in I’d be like “oh wow, this is your grandma!?!” Haha!

Full disclosure: I did do a little cyber-stalking. I remember looking him up last year [who doesn’t do that these days?] and didn’t find anything. I assumed it was because of his job & that he’d probably keep things pretty private. Again I found nothing online but some random news articles from years ago. A little while ago I hoped on fb all covertly and searched his name and sure enough, there he was. Weird I didn’t find him last year! So I poked around, of course, and he’s got a lot of patriotic pictures in typical redneck style. ha. And a couple of him. He actually looks his age in those, which kinda threw me off. He doesn’t seem that old in person. Oh well. We’re probably not going to work out anyway. I can’t really blame the guy. This age gap is pretty significant and he’s pretty fresh out of this divorce. I can see not wanting to get involved.

Oh! But I did talk to him on Wednesday! I was working with a client when the mailman came and I remembered I had letters to send. I asked him to wait while I went to find stamps and the phone rang. I hear mom go “oh you want to talk to her?” and the mailman joked that I was in trouble. I said I must be because I don’t usually get phone calls. As soon as he left Mom popped over and whispered “Sheriff’s on the phone!” It’s so weird taking calls when clients are there though. At least clients that I joke with, but mom distracted her a bit.

One of the first things he said to me was that it had taken him less than 2 weeks this time. hah. I asked if he’d come down off the mountain and he said he was actually at the very top of the mountain. Apparently he was mending fences. Now, I have to admit that I may have pictured him in a sweaty t-shirt and jeans hammering away at fence posts and that’s probably one of the hottest things a guy could do. haha. ;)

sidenote: I think he might have taken a picture of me? I’m always paranoid about people doing this because they’re so sneaky. I mean at least when TF did it one of the last times at the office he was super obvious about it and I purposely did not make eye contact because I don’t like having my picture taken. I think JR does it sometimes too but in the sneaky way. Anyway this guy held his phone up in his hand and there really wasn’t any other reason to be holding it that way. It could just be my paranoia but he held it like that for a few seconds and then put it back down. Add this to my list of grievances against technology.

But yeah, I told him that I was just calling about the check and he said he mailed it before I even finished talking. I said that I’d sworn he’d left it on the desk and was looking for it everywhere. He took care of it though. And I said I was just looking out for him. There was more teasing about how I didn’t think I’d hear from him until after he got home. He said he was improving and I said it was good to get better every year and maybe by next year it would only take a day or two to return my call. He asked about work and mentioned it was time to travel now. I said yeah and he said “just don’t know where yet” and I replied, “yeah we’ll see where the road takes me.” He laughed and I said that I was actually going to stick around a while because I had to catch up on chores.

We didn’t talk for long, a couple minutes maybe, and I said I’d let him get back to it and he thanked me for checking in. My hopes were slightly dashed when we hung up and he didn’t ask me to hang out.
Also, he kept calling me “girl” ?? Like “thanks girl for calling” kinda thing. I don’t know if this is good or bad? I mean we went from him calling me “ma’am” last year to this, so I guess that’s ok? Maybe? I don’t know. Is that like a cute thing? or does he think of me like some little girl?

Sometimes I do sorta feel like a kid around him, which is the total opposite of TF. But then I have to remind myself that things were not like that at the beginning with TF. Not at all. I felt like a kid around him too and I’m constantly having to remember this fact. I mean sure I watched him from afar but that’s because he has those beautiful bright eyes. I wasn’t attracted to him otherwise. We didn’t have a connection, or spark, or chemistry, or anything between us. None of that happened until he started flirting with me. So this can literally happen with anyone! As long as they show me some attention, say sweet things, have trouble keeping their hands off me, etc. I need to remember this!!

The reality is that it’s probably better that the Sheriff didn’t ask me to hang out. I’ve had these really intense feelings lately. Like my emotions are on high alert and everything is felt at an exaggerated level for some crazy reason. I think it has to do with everything I’ve gone through over the last six months or so.
I was really into TF [so blinded by my infatuation that I thought I’d marry the guy!] and there was all that drama. Then it completely fell apart and it crushed me. Plus I was in the middle of this crazy season where I had like 10 days off in four months and everything was stressing me out. I didn’t really get a chance to feel all of my emotions, you know? I had to deal with them while dealing with everything else and mostly I had to suppress and hide them because I was always at work. I don’t think I’ve really gone through the entire grieving process. This was a huge thing in my world! Like bigger than anything I’ve ever dealt with in terms of emotional connections! It’s not easy to just move on from that.

But then we got that email without any other contact from him and I knew that was it. He didn’t bring the letter in that I know he got because we got a copy. I suspect he’s actually gotten two letters he hasn’t brought in despite our insistence that he bring everything right away. It bothered me to have that realization that things were done, but then it was like a breakthrough for me. I was suddenly calm and accepting. Until the next day when I freaked out thinking it was all my fault but worked through it and finally found myself back at a place where I remembered every single thing happens for a reason. Then of course the next day the Sheriff calls and there was that anticipation and then he was walking through my door and telling me about saved voicemails and hinting but not following through.

Now we’re here and I need to find myself again. I’ve forgotten how to be happy with myself! So clearly jumping into something with someone else would be a stupid idea. Sure I’d like to get to know him, and hang out when he’s in town, and I think we’d have a ton of fun with our witty teasing conversations. But it’s not a good idea to get lost in something new. I need to learn how not to get lost first!

Although, I did send a rather forward sounding email on Wednesday after we talked. There were things I wanted to say but didn’t get a chance to over the phone. I really didn’t mean for it to come off so forward! I don’t want him to get the wrong impression! But I was saying how he had offered margaritas and a lesson in all things hunting and I thought he should let me know if he was ever back around town with some free time. I also made a joke about having waved at him for moral support with the fences [he said he could see the city from up there]. And that’s that. I imagine he won’t see this one until he leaves town and I’m not sure if he’ll even respond. But it’s kinda like last year where I sent a final email and said everything I wanted to say without much hesitation. I like leaving the ball in his court and not having regrets or what ifs.

We’ll see what happens with life. For now I really need to focus on getting back to a good place. I need to deal with all of the emotions running through me and settle them back down to normal.

I was washing dishes earlier and I started to think about how I was so angry with myself, and with TF, and sometimes with the Universe for putting me in this situation. I was thinking all this when I glanced up and saw this perfect little pair of finches sitting up on the neighbor’s fence. One had this beautiful bright red chest and they sat there for a few seconds. Just long enough for me to see them and I caught myself saying “thank you” out loud and they were gone.

The world isn’t as bad as it sometimes feels. It’ll all work out the way it’s supposed to.

rose.
9:24pm