feel that you're real in 2017

4:07pm

So, I’ve been trying to work up an entry for several days now. I started a draft on…Thursday [apparently? I didn’t remember it being that long ago. ha.] but never got around to adding anything else. It was just a particular moment that I did not want to forget.

Honestly, I’ve been having a really tough time lately. I cannot seem to sort my head out. I mentioned all those intense emotions I’ve been dealing with and they really got worse this last week. I’m guessing that is partly due to the fact that I’ve now had time to rest up from the crazy work season, and mostly recovered from that cold I got a day before it was all over, and now I have had plenty of time to think. As much as I thought I’d processed as it was all happening I guess there was still a ton left to go through. I had no idea this was going to hit me so strongly. Never did I think it would have such an impact in my life!

I mean I knew it was going to be important. I knew he was going to be important. But I did what I always tend to do and I read way too far into it. I ignored all the little side comments and focused on the big picture and I got lost. I know he came into my life for a reason and I know what he did for me. There’s no denying any of those changes. There’s no denying that I am a completely different person than I was at this time last year. I see the world through different eyes and I can barely even remember who that girl was, which is a good thing! The best thing. You have no idea how terrible your confidence is until you’re suddenly super confident! Like I always knew I was pretty great, but I had no way of showing that to the rest of the world. I was too shy, and quiet, and meek, and scared of what I could be capable of. But I’m not anymore! That’s amazing. And I’ve said it before, and will continue to say it forever, he is the reason that I feel this way. His words, his actions, every moment with him made me feel like this strong beautiful woman and I will forever be grateful!

I guess the problem is that I wanted that to mean more. I thought I’d finally found someone that I could share things with. Our chemistry was so intense! I’ve never felt so instantly comfortable with someone. We spent a few hours together for our very first solo hang out and I didn’t even realize until much later how quickly he broke through all of my walls! I’m not even sure I attempted to put them up against him. That’s how safe, and comfortable, and connected I felt to him. Despite everything!

It’s so hard to convey how big of a deal this was! Y’all wouldn’t understand unless you were inside my head. I mean, I do not connect easily with people. At all. I don’t make friends. I almost always prefer to fly solo. I’m fiercely independent. I can’t stand when someone gets into my space bubble. I don’t trust easily. I never let anyone else in. I don’t like to be touched. I’m just not really made for human interaction and/or connection. It’s never been my thing.
So the fact that he so easily penetrated through all of that is a freaken miracle. I don’t even really remember hesitating to let him that close to me. He’s literally the only guy who’s ever been interested in me that I even bothered to pursue in return. I get that that’s hard to believe in this day and age when everyone is constantly dating everyone, but that’s how my world works. In my almost 30 years of life, and maybe like 15 or so of being hit on, he’s the only guy that’s tried that I thought might be worth a shot. You get how big of a deal that is, right?

Of course I wanted that to mean more! Had it just been a fun flirty thing then I would have been ok with letting it go as just a confidence boost. But it felt like so much more than that. Like all those silly things people say about their spouses - They make me want to be better. I found him when I stopped looking. There’s so much passion. Etc. Etc. - those were all the same thoughts I had about him.

That probably contributed to the really intense anger I felt this last week. I’m just so pissed at every thing and every one.
I’m angry at TF for saying all of the things he said. I’m angry that he made it seem like it was more than what it was. I’m angry that he couldn’t admit what he was after. I’m angry that he kept trying so hard and his effort made it seem like it was worth something. I’m angry that he didn’t really respect me in the way that I wanted. I’m angry that he didn’t want to get to know me or spend time with me.
I’m angry at myself for knowing it was so much bullshit but giving in to it anyway. I’m angry that I overanalyzed and overthought everything like I always do. I’m angry that I got so lost in this idea of us. I’m angry that I kept ignoring everything that bothered me and only focused on the good. I’m angry that I kept going back to him and starting fresh every time. I’m angry that I thought it meant more than it did. I’m angry that I believe so strongly in my gut instinct that I was blinded by it.
I’m angry at the world for putting me in this situation. I’m angry that I had to feel this way about someone and it didn’t work out. I’m angry that I only ever wanted one person and when I thought I’d finally found that person they were taken away from me. I’m angry that the world kept putting us together. I’m angry that I was left in pieces when I didn’t ask for this.

There’s just so much! And I realized a couple days ago that that is kinda part of the grieving process. I guess I have to go through this in order to make it through to the other side.

The other day Mom and I were out shopping and we stopped at one of our favorite bars for dinner/drinks. We’d been sitting there a while when she goes, “that guy looks just like TF.” I turned around to see who she was talking about and I had to take like six looks because there was no way in hell that guy looked anything like TF! Like not even close. There was quite a bit of glare coming from the windows so I’ll give her a pass but damn was she off.

I told her this and she kept insisting it did look like him. I was like, “TF’s way more built! He’s like this big buff Mexican [I was putting my arms out like I was a giant. haha]” I made a joke about how he eats salad and goes to the gym and then said that that’s probably why we didn’t get along. [This was in reference to an earlier comment/joke about another guy and how he’d want to take me to the gym and feed me salad and I couldn’t do that]
So I made the joke and then she comes back and says something about how TF must have gotten tired of asking me out. I was shocked she said that! “What? Once?” That must have been too much. And she said that he was asking me, she was there, and she heard him. I said yeah that was true and I said yes when he did. I go “You have no idea what happened!!” I told him I’d go out with him and he didn’t show up. He just left me sitting there. I reminded her that she saw me all ready to go and then I didn’t hear from him for two days. And I was totally tipsy if not I would not have said any of that to her. I really do like to keep things private. That made me feel vulnerable and if you ask her she’ll tell you that I never show that side of me. I shut up pretty quickly after that. She doesn’t need details and I didn’t feel like getting into it at all.

It’s all so crazy. I’m just constantly thinking about him. All day long. From the moment I wake up until the moment I go to sleep he’s almost consistently crossing my mind. And you know it’s just the same shit over and over again. A replay of the memories. The anger. The happiness. The sadness. All of it on this stupid loop in my brain.

There are moments though. Moments where I start to feel ok. Like on Saturday. I’d been working outside in the sunshine all day. I’d taken a break for a beer and then gone out to mow the lawn. I was pushing that mower through the front grass and suddenly a new thought: I’m starting to feel like myself again…
Then of course yesterday I broke down into a horrible sobbing mess because I feel so uninspired for life. I have no goals, or ambitions, or plans. I don’t know if I could actually ever marry anyone, which means no kids for me. And what the hell else is there? What other point is there to the world?

I really need to get back to good. I so desperately need to get back there. I hate being angry. I hate the hurt. I hate that this has made me feel all of these intense emotions. I really need to find a way to move on and make my way back to my happy optimism. It took me so freaken long to get there. I need to get back!

rose.
10:47pm