Give it back now in 2017

10:07am

I feel today the way I felt back in November after the very first time I thought things were completely over between us. It kinda sucks that all these entries sound exactly the same. One day we’re doing great and getting along. Every thing’s all fine and dandy between us and I’m happy. Then the next entry I’m saying that we’re disagreeing over something and falling apart again.

How many times do you think a person needs to go through that cycle before they finally realize and accept that it is not going to work out the way they need it to? Because I don’t even want to attempt to count the number of dips this roller coaster has had thus far.

Is that pathetic? It feels kind of pathetic. Like if I were an outsider reading this I’d probably wonder why this person loved to torture themselves so much. I’d wonder why they can’t just walk away.
But I’m not an outsider. I’m the person living through this. I can’t walk away because I know how good it could be. I know how good it is when it’s good. And there’s that part of me that refuses to let go of something that I am finally getting to experience for the first time.

It’s like you spend your whole life hoping to have something, a pony let’s say, and you finally wake up one day and that cute little pony is sitting in your yard. You get to pet it, and chase it around, and feed it treats. It’s the most amazing thing you’ve ever experienced! But wait! It turns out that’s not your pony. Someone else says it belongs to them and they want it back. Right now. You have to give it up. So let it go. Go ahead. Let it go. And tell me how good that feels.

Exactly. It freaken sucks. My heart is hurting. I’m feeling that same wave of depression that I felt in November. Like I’m ok, but I’m so apathetic to life. I knew it the moment I was eating breakfast and I leaned my head on my arm to convince myself to finish my food. You know something’s wrong when I don’t even care about eating.

Also, one of the last dreams I had this morning involved TF’s son. It was so weird. [I think I’ve maybe only had one actual dream about TF before and that was recently.] TF was there but he didn’t look like himself, and his son was smaller. We were decorating cookies, and I was lifting him onto a chair, and we were spinning around the livingroom. I remember TF was off somewhere talking to someone else and we were just hanging out doing all kinds of things. I’ve gotta admit that that was a sucky feeling to wake up to.

I won’t go into all the details but basically I said something to him last night about how I hoped his son was feeling better and next time I’ll tell him to invite me out since I’m always down for pizza. He replied with some comment about my butt and I couldn’t take it anymore. [Also I’d probably had enough liquid courage to motivate me as well.] I said something like, “Fuck TF, just when I start to think things are going well between us. I was talking about your kid dude, and that’s what you come back with??” He said that we were making progress because I said the f-word and that he knew I liked him.

I told him that I only curse when I’m upset/annoyed. Which is definitely not true. I curse like a sailor, but only around my immediate family. That’s the very first time I’ve ever said a bad word in front of him. Or to him. Whatever. I think the “worst” I’ve ever said is damn and I’ve been saying that a lot lately. When we hung out [that one time] I almost said the f-word but drew it out and played it off. We had a nice laugh about it and I said something about being a lady. hah.
I also told him to quit stringing me along and that he was hurting my feelings. He asked how he was stringing me along and something about not having been intimate? I don’t know. That guy’s so strange. The way he rationalizes shit.

Basically I ended up saying a version of one of those drafts I mentioned in a previous entry. I’ll just paste it:
I guess we have very different interpretations of what that means. You give me just enough to think you’re interested, but you’re really only interested in one thing. It’s funny, we talked about this at the very beginning - that if you were just looking for a piece of ass you should look a lot further. Pretty sure you said that wasn’t what you meant..and yet here we are. I get being attracted to someone like that, but it makes me feel cheap. I’m so much more than that. And I’m tired of playing this game..

He hasn’t responded. Anyone surprised? =| I wish he’d just say something. One thing. Any thing. So I don’t have to sit here wondering what he’s thinking.

I have to see him on Monday. I’m guessing he’ll still show up. He has to. And it’s going to crush my heart to see him. He won’t even know it either.

What the hell, man? How did I get involved in this shit. I’m such a quiet, innocent, keep to myself kinda girl and some how I got involved with this guy that’s my total opposite. And we can’t let go of each other! But we can’t figure out how to be together either.

rose.
1:05pm

Last updated February 25, 2017