distracting presence in 2017

5:53pm

I want to say that I’ll keep this short today, but once I start rambling I can’t seem to stop myself.

I do know that some day I am going to want to look back on this, even if it is all rambles and spinning in circles.

So, TF did not show up this morning. He also did not answer his phone when I called around 9:30a to ask him to bring in some extra paperwork we needed. I wanted to catch him before he came in at 11a so he wouldn’t have to double-back. I was too impatient to wait to see if his voicemail was still full so I hung up. Mom got in around 10am and I told her that he had not picked up. We waited to see if he was going to show up and when he wasn’t in by 12:30p I made some comment to her and she said he was the one that was supposed to care. She wasn’t going to bother with it anymore.

Except, we’ve worked long and hard on this case and I cannot let it go just like that. Around 1pm I finally got the courage to e-mail him. I was super hesitant about it because of what was/is currently going down between us. I don’t like the idea of mixing business and personal. But I had no other way to contact him. I didn’t want to call again in case he was ignoring us on purpose. And like I said, we’ve worked hard on this case and I’m not willing to let it go. So I ended up sending a very professional e-mail stating that I wasn’t sure whether he’d forgotten he was coming in, or got busy, but either way his voicemail was full and my mom wanted me to tell him to bring in the paperwork he’d just done. We were missing some documents and I thought some of our stuff got mixed in with his so I asked him to bring them by when he got a chance. Later I saw that he’d immediately replied, “copy that.”

Of course I spent the rest of the afternoon checking out the window in case that one truck pulling in the lot was his. =| I tried to get myself to stop, but I can’t ever help it. It’s the same way I’d hear a loud truck and think it was CK every time. I didn’t really have a time to expect him, but I figured he’d understand that he needed to drop it by as soon as possible.

Sometime in the afternoon, around 4 I think, it got kinda busy in here and I was seriously multi-tasking. Mom was with a client and I was on the phone when the 2nd line rang. It ended up being JR and I talked to him for a little while. It was a good distraction. We were initially having a good laugh about a major mix-up I’d done on a balance sheet I made for him. I’d alphabetized the accounts at the end and it didn’t transfer the balances on to the same line so it looked like he owed 8 grand to a customer I’d just told him he owed 2400 to. He had a slight moment of panic and called me almost immediately after I’d sent the e-mail. I told him I was just making sure he actually read my email. =)

Then we ended up talking about dinner. He was inviting us over for chicken tortilla soup. Which sounded delicious as he described what he was putting in it. We got back to talking about work stuff around the time that I glanced up and saw TF walk in the door. I waved hi and he looked around before walking up to my desk.

I honestly have very little idea of what JR said to me after that. TF’s presence alone is distracting to me. Like my heart had started to race just because he was standing right in front of me and I had no idea what he was going to do. I know I was trying to explain a paper I needed from him but I’m not sure if it made sense. Also I may, or may not, have purposely made a point to say I’d let him know if I was coming over for dinner later and then hung up. I can’t help if TF was right here listening, right? ;)

At the same time TF had handed me his packet of paperwork. I’d taken it and he turned around like he was going to leave. I saw him turn back and look around my desk until he found a tiny yellow sticky pad. I watched him as he pulled a pen out of the jar and started writing something down. I was thinking that maybe he was going to say to call him later. You know, since we were both busy. But he flipped the pad around to me and my brain tried to quickly make sense of the words on the note. All kinds of things flashed through my mind. But it finally connected: I think you Rock! I don’t remember exactly what happened next. I think I glanced up and made eye contact with him and didn’t say a word. You can butter me up all you want kid but I’m not moving on that quickly this time.

I have to say that I’m really glad that he didn’t try to touch me. He didn’t try to make jokes, or flash that smile of his, or reach out to me at all. After I hung up the phone I reached into his file and found our missing paperwork. He asked if that was it and I said yeah that I guess Mom got distracted and gave him the stuff that should have stayed with us. I asked if he forgot about this morning and he said he couldn’t make it. Then he started to say something about how I’d said 11a, like he was going to make it my fault, and I said yeah and you didn’t show up. He said again that he couldn’t make it and I don’t know what I said.
Honestly I was trying hard not to look down at his chest because his work shirt was unbuttoned and out of the corner of my eye I thought I could see his tattoo. Turns out that it was just a skin colored t-shirt that happened to have black writing near his collarbone. Now I’m wondering if maybe he doesn’t have a tattoo there? hah. Because I distinctly remember sitting across from him at dinner and seeing some kind of ink across his chest. Like it’s very vivid in my mind. That sweater over his light blue shirt. The buttons open an inch or two at the top and black ink across his chest. Perhaps I imagined it? But in my memory it was sexy as hell.

Anyway, he asked when we had time tomorrow but before I could look he asked instead what time I would be in tomorrow. I said I’m in after 9 and he said he’d call me to see what we could work out. Ok. No problem. I’d handed him back his copies and he left.

I don’t know if I’ll see him tomorrow, or when, but it should be an interesting continuation. I swear that this time I am not just going to fall back into it. I’m tired of spinning in circles.

When we got home Mom randomly said to me, “So he didn’t say you looked nice today? Or that you had pretty hair?” [I cut my hair yesterday..well she cut my hair] I asked who she was talking about, although I figured, and she said “Mr. TF”. I rolled my eyes and she said that he always says things like that to me. I said that no, he’d probably tell me I look ugly and push me to the ground. Or maybe tell me that I’m not dressed professionally. But he doesn’t compliment me. It was so weird and random the way she brought it up. This morning I’d made a joke about eating waffles and how sugar and carbs weren’t going to get me through the day, especially if I had to deal with TF for an hour. She said she thought we were really good friends. And I laughed and said that I didn’t think we’ve ever been friends. I played it off by making jokes about him being a pain and teasing me all the time. Which she’s heard and understands.

I’m sure I’ll keep you updated on anything new. I definitely don’t want to run through this same cycle again. Either we’re going to be friends, or we’re going to be more, but I don’t want to do this maybe/maybe not thing anymore. It’s exhausting.

rose.
8:37pm