Do you ever feel like you’re never going to get what you want?
This, all this trying to conceive stuff, should be a two way Street right? The decision was ours together, and he professes to want it as much as I do.
I just feel like he wants it but only if he doesn’t need to change anything about his life or make any kind of commitment to changing and improving. It doesn’t bode well when child rearing is essentially a lesson in sacrifice and compromise.
He drinks too much to the point I’m convinced he has problem. I’ve written about it before I’m sure. I come home from work to find I know he’s been drinking but hes hiding it, lying about it, pretending it isn’t happening, treating me like an idiot because I know it is happening, reverse psychology, projection, the works.
I told him tonight I think he’s an alcoholic and I wouldn’t bring a baby into this. I told him tonight that he has a problem, therefore we have a problem. When we row, I tell him honestly what I feel which is genuinely the truth about our situation and relationship. He countered with abuse and vitriol to self preserve.
I don’t know how much longer I can do this. He refused to accept there is a problem, to take any responsibility. He refused to acknowledge that his drinking is contributing to his poor sperm count. In fact it’s a major factor. He assumes that because he’s not drunk he’s not got a problem. Functioning alcoholism is a very real problem and I’m beginning to think it’s his.
I told him to drink as much as he likes because all bets are off, no baby, implant is going back in. He can’t behave like a responsible adult when there are just the two of us, it’s a gamble I’m sure as hell not going to take by bringing a baby into the mix.
I feel like I’m never going to get what I want. If he doesn’t acknowledge there’s a problem, and nothing changes, where does that leave me? Loving someone who can be everything I’ve ever wanted when he’s not preoccupied with beers? Or do I walk away having wasted over a year of my life, and a whole future full of hopes and promises, cut my losses and find someone who is ready and grown up enough to actually commit to the future they say they want?
I’m so conflicted. We’re building a life together, I love him, but I’ve spent so many years in relationships with people who say they love me only to piss all over my bonfire, so to speak, and really struggle when it comes to actually acting like a decent human being.
So, yeh, drink as much as you like, deal is off, no baby. If it was me, out of sheer bloody mindedness, I’d have refused to have a drink for days. He, took himself to bed with a bottle of wine and I’ve been crying on the settee ever since.
Nobody said it would be easy. But what I’d love to know is will it be worthwhile?
Xx
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