Worthless in Internet Intentions

I feel completely and utterly worthless. I feel incompetent with my ability to do my work, my social skills and my self connectedness. I’m the biggest loner at work especially today. I can’t bring myself to add anything of value to any conversation. I feel like nothing I say will matter to whoever I’m talking to. I’m convinced that I will bring down the mood of the people that I am around. I have this weird cognitive dissonance of not wanting anyone to notice me but wanting to be saved by someone. I’m constantly playing the victim in my head and think to myself I do all this self help shit and yet I’m still not right in the head. I have a meaningful job (teaching high schoolers), I take cold showers every single work morning this school year. I meditate every weeknight (I skip plenty of nights), I work out 5 days a week (I haven’t been working out much recently at all), I limit my screen time, I don’t watch porn, I go to therapy weekly and see friends or family every other weekend. So I think to myself why is this still happening to me.

One of my least favorite things about myself is my racing thoughts, almost everywhere I go I feel rushed and my mind jumps from one thought to the next thought to the next thought and it’s hard for me to get really interested or focus on one thing. As you can see from the above paragraph my communication skills really suffer because of it. I feel guilty when I get excited and talk to people, I know Eric for one recently has had a pretty tough time following me in conversation. I feel terrible that I cannot converse well enough to keep peoples attention. I will try to hold onto one thought but I cannot get myself interested in it and the words don’t come to me to expand on a thought anymore.

I very much value authenticity, I also value helping people. I’m in a sad stage in life, I have the respect for myself that I will be true to that and I don’t want to fake being happy, I can still enjoy little things. However, being around people while being sad isn’t fun, they always ask how I am doing and I usually feel like a sad boi, I act act like a victim and speak like how I am speaking now, when I don’t do that song and dance I’m often not interested in what they have to say, making people uncomfortable from being quiet or not being able to smile authentically sucks. Just like Bill from The Perks of being a Wallflower said about Charlie, I use thought to not participate.

I value being thoughtful, I know I can be a thoughtful person and ironically it’s my thoughts that’s crippling me by making it a challenge to go to sleep every night and leading me to believe that I am incapable and mentally impaired.

I’m never satisfied with these entries, it feels like the same old crap nearly every time, or I’m fueled by Adderall and speak with no emotion about work simply listing events in my day. Maybe I am ruminating on being sad. I don’t really know what I ruminate on because my head just feels empty. I’m sorry for the negativity, I’m sorry for writing so poorly. The one good thing I can do for myself is be authentic, I’m not sure that whatever I say is authentic or not, I think saying what comes to my head is good practice. I do realize what I say or think is often because that is what I think is socially acceptable which gets me into an overthinking fit because saying what’s socially acceptable is not authentic. I see Jamie, I see Allison, I see Eric, John and I wonder how are they so well put together. They all have issues but they all seem comfortable with themselves they are concrete in their beliefs, morals and how they are living their life. I am insecure and thoughtful. That’s who I am right now, there’s no use in shielding myself from that. Thanks for writing so much mate, this is good for us.