I'm Waking Up in The Kid Used To Dream

I have been on this philosophical journey to figure out where I took a wrong turn that upended my childhood dreams.

I’ve blamed this person or that one and I’ve blamed myself. It’s ultimately like having a dream and then waking up and being angry at the person in your dream that in reality didn’t do anything to you. It’s a weird emotion - no?

I am on a quest to make my focus on what is important to me. I want to express my faith in a way that is seen as love even if you don’t believe the same as me. I don’t want my focus on faith to be so dogmatic that my head is in the clouds and I forget the needs of those around me. I want the music I make to tell stories, to inspire and to make people want to be better and feel better about themselves.

I’ve had this dream of being able to sustain a living making music from a Christian worldview. I can remember praying as an 11 year old that I could make a living playing, writing and singing Christian music. I think the childish part of that prayer is that I wanted the attention. I wanted to be a recording artist and be famous. I ultimately wanted that fame to come from and through the church. For the last 20 years I have been compensated well to sing and play music in the church and it feels dirty now. I didn’t become famous and now I am grateful I didn’t if it meant that I would have had to express my creative side within a predetermined mold.

I believe Matt Redmond said it best in the song he wrote - The Heart Of Worship. When the music fades and all is stripped away and I simply come - longing just to bring - something that’s of worth that will bless your heart.

Yet as pure as those lyrics are - his record company capitalized on it. The Christian music industry boasts that it brings in 500 million each year.

Where do I fit in with all of this? Why do I write songs no one on earth will ever hear? That may be the answer in that it doesn’t matter if anyone on earth ever does. He’s my audience. The reason I feel conflicted is that when the Temple was rebuilt they called the ministers from working in the field to tend to the people’s spiritual needs. Those ministers were cared for.

That’s what I want to be - cared for. So, I will care for others as much as possible. I will pray - Lord continue to protect me from myself. Teach me how to express my talents and gifts in a way that gives YOU glory not me. Teach me how to make a mark in the world that looks like you.

Wake me up inside!.... Hmm maybe we can learn something from the secular world.