Interesting Things in Book Seven: Reconstruction 2020

  • Nov. 17, 2020, 12:02 p.m.
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Yesterday was an epic win for the dog. Some… issues… but that is to be expected with 5 kids running around for longer than normal. Like… yes, Nala did get some of the couch fluff again… but that is because the kids, in their roughhousing, knocked over the thing protecting the couch… so the exposed hole was there, she grabbed some fluff and hid under the bed to store it. I discovered this in waves (1) coming home and seeing the protector knocked over while the kids were on the couch; (2) finding the fluff under the bed; (3) noticing that after everyone left, Nala went under the bed to “relax”. Other than that, it was stuff like “the kids knocked all the colored pencils on the ground, Nala picked one up… realized that nobody was chasing her, and set it down.” Stuff like that.

But I can’t tell you the feeling I had driving up to my place… seeing people milling about… seeing children playing, people cooking, just… it’s a shitty thing to say but if this is how I get the life I want, at least I have a version of it. Obviously, not perfect… obviously, not even “mine” in any sense of the word (not that possessive words are appropriate here but I assume y’all understand that the “mine” in that isn’t so much personally possessive so much as personally directed). But yeah. It was really special.

Then after everyone left, Victoria had left her purse at my place, so I texted her. She said she’d done so intentionally, as she was planning on coming back after the kids went to sleep but she could just pick it up and go home if I wanted to go to bed or hang out alone that night. No, no. And my not knowing whether this would be a sexual encounter encouraged me not to drink at all (as her firm rule, which is a fucking blessing compared to Nancy, is no alcohol if sexual consent is needed).

She came over and said “let’s just hang out” which I took to mean, sex wasn’t in the cards, but I was okay with it. I did clarify with her later and, she hand’t intended no sex but she was extremely tired so appreciated that I wasn’t pushing for it. Then she did communicate that we could do more than just cuddling if I wanted. So… more of a “everything is on the table, but be aware of my dwindling energy.” So we cuddled, and I gave her a back rub, and started doing something which she said was “more effective” at turning her on than I’d imagined (it’s part of the backrub but places a specific caress/pressure on the neck area). And we kissed, but differently than normal. More “tired and comfy” than “sexual”. Establishing that there is no romantic relationship between us; it was significant evidence that I really am in a great place to be someone’s boyfriend. Provided there is communication, mutual understanding, and a sense of healthy connection… I can do this. I can be a great boyfriend. I’m just… wondering if those things that make this situation work aren’t maybe the reasons this can’t be romantic? Like… maybe this is going so well because we know there isn’t more to it. But that’s me. Professional worry wart.

I also showed Victoria the Risque photos. She was honestly… super surprised how normal they were. Like… what? You know that I was in a ridiculously abstinent, vanilla af marriage… what did you think risque photos were going to be? It is a few insertion close ups and a picture of me sitting on a couch with an (admittedly, for me) massive erection. That’s all. (AND YES… if you’ve ever sent me risque photos via e-mail and want me to reciprocate, I can send the Couch Picture if I can figure out how, just let me know. lol).

But… yeah. At least in theory… I have the potential to be an awesome boyfriend. If… y’know… anyone wanted me to fill that role, lol.

That being said… I do need to reiterate a point that I tend to go too long without mentioning that does need to be mentioned in these types of conversations.
I am abysmal at getting anything started as far as “stranger to friend or stranger to significant other.” I’m just… atrocious. I am absolutely the kind of guy that NEEDS the activity, the shared “doing something” to springboard. Actually, strike that.... I should be descriptive, historical, and honest:

In my life, the successful “asking out” has been… grossly limited. The first woman I personally asked out was because I was enamored of her intelligence. Massive rejection. The second woman I asked out, I had known through Orchestra for 7 years prior to asking her out. The third woman I asked out, had been friends with me for a solid year before asking her out… and she broke up with me 1 week into dating because (kid you not) people had found out we were dating. The fourth woman I had ever asked out? We’d traveled Germany, we’d been involved in the same Church Groups, and had grown close as friends over the course of 11 months. The fifth woman? I met at a bar. And she was psychotic, dangerous, and terrible. After that? Every woman I asked out, whether friend or stranger, said no. Vehemently. Sometimes kindly, often meanly. Sometimes with an abundance of laughter and the “stage whisper so he hears it” Can you believe he thought he had a chance?! After 3 or 4 years of that… was Thompson. Someone I’d befriended through mutual friends, knew for a few years, and asked out. And then she made the entire process tortured. She said yes, but not now, because she had recently been raped and was trying to overcome it… so I gave her time and told her to tell me when she was ready… so she avoided me for a few months then invited me to her room with some of our other friends and played “Before the Night is Over” by Gaelic Storm on repeat but I didn’t pick up the hidden message because I wanted her to communicate with me directly… so she avoided me again for a bit until I caught her actively avoiding me and confronted her about it which led to a four hour argument where she finally just told me to ask her out already. That relationship… wasn’t fun, safe, or healthy either. After that? Nancy. If you don’t remember or are too new....
I was going to the bar with some friends when I spotted a very attractive woman that was dancing well. Her moves showed that she’d either had dance training or martial arts training. I wanted to know which. So I approached her. She was flattered, said she had a 2nd Degree Black Belt in Tae Kwan Do and we danced. We talked. We really hit it off. Turns out, one of the friends I was meeting at the bar had brought her as she was their co-worker. (the friend in question was female, no romantic competition narrative there). However, after the evening was over and it was quite apparent I was a bit smitten… the friend asked if the woman I had been speaking to all night mentioned that she had a boyfriend… that she’d been living with for two years… and with whom she just bought a house? No she had not. So I tried to see if we could do a “just friends thing” and… I could not. I wanted her too much. I liked her too much. So I decided that I just wasn’t going to have anything more to do with her. That’s when she showed up at my door. And told me how much she wanted to be with me. How attracted she was, and how interesting I was. And that’s how Nancy and I started.
Then… there is what happened with Victoria (who last year, I referenced as Emily). Attractive Woman in the Play. We get close due to the play. She approaches me about being attracted to me. Time passes. We become friends outside of the play. We discuss the attraction and what that means. We mutually decide to engage in a FWB relationship.

That’s my entire history on STARTING things.
I am abysmal at getting anything started as far as “stranger to friend or stranger to significant other.” I’m just… atrocious. I need to pivot a friendship into a relationship; or have some kind of activity that brings us together that develops from there. This… find a stranger and win them over thing is just… really not my style. Or my wheel house. So… that’s a hurdle I’ve got.

Today, like many days this week, looks like a mostly nothing day. Literally, my schedule just says “Prepare for Thursday. Prepare for Next Week. Prepare for Next Month. Prepare for when Jury Trials Starts.” That is my entire Tuesday work schedule.... and Wednesday work schedule… and Friday work schedule!” So as I do that… and answer phone calls and e-mails… I’ll likely be trolling Prosebox for Notes and reading entries :)

Last updated November 17, 2020

Dazed-N-Confused November 17, 2020

You are so funny. Not in a rude, bad kinda way (on my part) what so ever. You seem like a nice guy that just cares too much. You just want to love and feel loved but with out all the unnecessary bs. I totally get that. Trolling PB is actually fun. Lol. I read a lot here too. It's interesting, sometimes sad, sometimes funny. But it's all real life. Real people, real events. Good luck on your journey :)

Park Row Fallout Dazed-N-Confused ⋅ November 17, 2020

I'd say, yeah- that's a fairly accurate explanation of me, lol

Dazed-N-Confused Park Row Fallout ⋅ November 17, 2020

I am the same way. I love fast and I love hard. Usually only gets me into either trouble or heartbreak. Some would say those are fairly the same things,but I beg to differ. Heartbreak is not trouble. Just life. I read your post about the women , bad break ups, bad relationships, etc etc. I was interesting and seeing that all come from a different point of view than my own makes you look at things differently. My background and childhood was (and let's admit, sometimes still is) a bit messy but life is just messy. I truly believe that everything happens for a reason. But most only lol at the negative (as I did for so long) and never look at the silver lining. Eg, he /she ruined my life, blame blame blame. Folks need to stop and do some personal inventory before playing the blame game, which I have had to.learn the hard way. It's a hard pill to swallow when you're looking at your own faults and holding yourself accountable for your own actions. I def can relate to that. But once you do (and not "you" in particular , just "you" as in general population) you can finally start working on things for you and start feeling better about it. When you stop looking that's when you find what you need. I'm not a religious person, but I do believe there is someone bigger and badder than I'll ever be. When I start looking that's when I think I'm ready. When I stop looking on start focusing on the bigger picture and what's right in front of me, that's when things start to happen (because the big bad ass that lives upstairs finally decided I was ready, lol) Which brings me back to, Everything happens for a reason.
(Sorry about the ramble, lol, I start thinking and my fingers start typing and it's all downhill from there :))

Always Laughing November 17, 2020

Glad you had a good night.

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