I am writing this on my phone and I hate doing that but… damn, do I need to write. I mean… I honestly know what all of you are going to say. Honestly. While I would love notes… I’m pretty sure I know exactly what many would say.
I’m not doing okay. And the suck of it is: it boils down to a dissonance between my logical mind and my emotional mind.
Item 1: This week, I was supposed to be in Okoboji. I was, to be honest, a little worried about it. Okoboji has been a Family Retreat Area since I was 5. My father took us there every year. Our National Family Reunions are held there every 10 years. Iowa Prosecutors go there every year for our annual training. So… it is a place that has a LOT of meaning for me. And I was worried that going there this year would just… make me sad. Remind me how this year I would be on Okoboji with no family… not even a wife. I’d be there alone. That worried me. So I had a plan where whenever I felt lonely in Okoboji, I’d explore the parts of the town that I couldn’t explore with family. Bars, clubs, random spots that I could just go to. Instead? No Okoboji. Just… more training, work from home, daily grind, sink into misery bullshit.
Item 2: I discovered that Nancy is still seeing her boyfriend. In fact, his two kids love her. Yeah. Known him for a blink of an eye and is already hanging with him and his kids. Doing Family Dinner and Weekend Hangouts. And yeah… I get it. Perfect situation for her. The whole “happy family” existence without doing any of the work. And yeah… I get it. Nancy’s choices don’t reflect on me personally. But… fuck it hurts! I mean… for over a decade nothing I did was good enough for her. Nothing I could do as a husband seemed to matter to her! And yet… in a few short weeks, she’s already found someone else? And had sex with him?! I mean… seriously… while my logical mind says “her damage does not reflect on you”. But my emotional mind screams* bullshit! How can you be with someone, know someone for so long and treat them like that… only to replace him and treat your new man better WEEKS later?! I know you’ll all say “don’t worry about it” or “it isn’t about you” but… can you at least understand how all of this makes me feel absolutely valueless? How the woman who knows me best, was able to treat me as completely without value, and then replaced me like one would replace a lightbulb… that… god… that hurts so much.
And here’s the bitch of it all… there isn’t a single person who can make me feel better. Honestly. Parents, sibling, even Victoria. Because at the end of the day? All of them have a spouse to go home to. That is one of the reasons polyamory pisses me off right now. Because I don’t want to be a fuck buddy to someone. I don’t want to be the side relationship for someone. I want to fucking matter. I want someone to love me. Why couldn’t my wife love me?! What’s wrong with me?!?!