Miss Chiffs Manager (One) ⋅ 38 ⋅
Mom! / Biodynamic Urban Farmer / Naturopathic Doctor / Anthroposophist / Mystic / Avid Reader / Writer Extraordinaire / In Pursuit of Moral, Physical, and Intellectual Excellence.
The ending is written into the beginning
Entries 706
Page 23 of 29
Yesterday in A Childhood Lost
I always feel so tired after talking with my mom. This weekend, mom sent a message to me and my husband inviting us over for dinner. No explanation about her behavior over the last months. No hi...
Relief in A Childhood Lost
What a relief it is to believe that it’s all just me. If it’s me, then it can be fixed! The part of me that wants the problem to be me is desperate. It wants there to be a problem with me becau...
feelings. I am deeply sad. I have, for the last few months, acted on principle and faith that DH would “do the right thing” and commit himself to our marriage. But.... he hasn’t. I should not ...
DH and I were driving back from his parents’ after we’d dropped off chickens (yes you read right), and had to stop because.... On the way out, we noticed that a fairly sizeable tree had fallen a...
Don't Care in Journal
Not sure what changed, because I definitely used to care. Perhaps it is simply that I’m beginning to recognize that it really doesn’t matter whether I care or not. I look at the people around m...
3 kids. Yeah. It’s so weird to say what I want and not have this sens of guilt and shame. Like, I can only ask for things that do not require work, sacrifice, any kind of obligation on anyone el...
I get a low grade anxiety around some people. Not all people. I used to think it was just me. There’s something wrong with me that I become anxious and preoccupied in social situations. I would...
I haven’t seen or spoken to my mom at all in the last 2 months- since the beginning of September- but 3 times. All 3 times, she has acted incredibly strange. The first time was at my cousin’s b...
Your Opinion of Me in A Childhood Lost
was never good. I’m not sure why, exactly. But you always thought the worst of me. And you often told me so. You’re a brat. You’re spoiled. You’re manipulative. Why don’t you care? You really hu...
Dolls for Boys in Journal
Oh my goodness, my son’s waldorf doll just came in the mail and I am In Love with it! It’s just so cozy feeling- stuffed with wool and made with high quality cotton, by hand-! Yes I did splurge o...
I finally told my best friend about my troubles with my mom. I’ve known my best friend since, well, since forever. She didn’t seem at all surprised when I told her what I was going through. She ...
Grandma K's Funeral in Journal
had a very young looking pastor officiating. I honestly didn’t listen to most of it. Holding a squirmy baby, and the immediate monotonous and droning tone he took on at the very start was off put...
The Talk in A Childhood Lost
Just want to share my experience as a child growing up in an incredibly unconscious/projecting and narcissistic household. My ‘talk’ consisted of my mom confronting me after having read a story ...
I am constantly thinking about how my life relates to my relationship with my mom. This has become glaringly obvious to me since I read a journal entry from this time last year; “I entered the ...
had a few really deep conversations this weekend. One was about privacy. I don’t really understand how people can separate their children from the concept of people. I think it’s one thing if y...
Who I was in A Childhood Lost
When I started to describe to my therapist how I behaved as a child, and for most of my life, she said to me, “You were terrified.” Yeah, I was. I do realize that. But, you know… it’s so difficu...
A lot of things on in Journal
my mind today. Yesterday was a family get-together with the In-Law side of the family. Mostly it was a very nice, relaxed, fun, and engaging afternoon. There was but one problem. Every time I fe...
I can't believe it, but in Journal
the tantrum worked. I’ve got to thank my therapist.
Is it time? in Journal
To move on? Yeah, I think it is. I’m not getting anywhere, and it’s all so boring, now. I have the feeling that I have grown past her. I have reached a point of maturity that she never did. I am...
Unreasonable. in Journal
“You have unreasonable expectations and you found your out.” she responded to me when I told her that she recently violated both of my requested boundaries. Nothing about “oh, I didn’t realize t...
I talked with my therapist today and, I told her of my worries and issues with my husband. I told her that I feared that his family is taking advantage of him, that he is being used by them for p...
I am resigned, I think, to the fact that my mother is incapable of behaving in any reasonable way around me. I decided to lay down just 2 boundaries with her. She mowed over both of them the ver...
Aunt died yesterday morning.
Yesterday, DH and I drove down to see his Aunt, who is on her deathbed in hospice. The trip was… unsettling. As I suppose, all close encounters with death are. What I found most disturbing abou...
What do I want? in Journal
I think about the areas in my life that I am too passive. I am tired of mentally berating my “mother”. I am growing weary of it. Does that mean I am done? Close to done? Perhaps. I think of ever...
