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Entries 39
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The Dissonance of Self and Desire in A transparent lockbox
One of the emerging conflicts in my life is how I compartmentalize. It has all existed to guard my soul and stay private and reserved. Throughout K-12, I never would hang out with friends outsid...
Just Whining in A transparent lockbox
I have no clue what happens in my brain. It seems to undergo times of relative thoughtlessness and unawareness. I feel like I have been out of consciousness for a solid minute. I’ve had some dece...
Animal Kind in A transparent lockbox
There are things that I am beginning to think will haunt me forever. They aren’t even things that I did, but injustices close to me, whether emotionally or geographically. Things that happened ye...
Oh, Another in A transparent lockbox
For the first time in a while, I had a dream about you. It isn’t like the old ones though of sentiment and yearning. This time it was more like I saw you in public while I looked awful and then I...
Procrastinate. in A transparent lockbox
What an awful habit I’ve developed. I can only seem to work in the face of deadlines and when hit with adrenaline. When I know I have time, I cannot do work. I think I would need the rush of a gu...
How so in A transparent lockbox
One of the largest mysteries of life and my mind is infatuation and love. Just how in the span of a day, you can feel like you have fallen in and out of love with someone. The entire rush of gett...
Grandeur Lost in A transparent lockbox
Lately, I’ve had to confront the person I am compared to my expectations when I was younger. I know who I am now likely won’t be who I am forever. All I’ve been able to think about lately is how ...
Neutral in A transparent lockbox
For the life of me, when I’m emotionally neutral, I cannot write or think on a level that is at all profound. There were months when I was prolific, writing 4 poems a day, frequent journal entrie...
Cyber Dissonance in A transparent lockbox
The experiences that get to me the most are the ones where you are made to feel stupid for being nice or kind. I always try to be understanding and empathetic, I want people to feel comfortable w...
Karmic Neutrality in A transparent lockbox
This is practically the antithesis of yesterday’s entry. But today I was online and was recommended the profile of someone who once screwed me over romantically. The profile was nearly blank, wit...
Grudges in A transparent lockbox
One of the curses that has been bestowed upon me is my inability to let go of grudges. I wish that I didn’t care and could just move on, but god, I am bitter for eternity. No matter how small of ...
Laughing it all away in A transparent lockbox
Last night and tonight while washing my face, I broke out into uncontrollable laughter. Last night was just about some experiences I’ve had with dating, like a man offering to drive an hour on th...
Questions of Toxicity in A transparent lockbox
There has been something about today that has made me think about different aspects of myself. Everything has felt relatively fast, action-packed, and intense in all I’ve done. I was listening to...
Titles in A transparent lockbox
Tonight all I can seem to think about are titles and projections. Just all the things we are told we are, or are said about us, and the implications of those things. All the things that are arbit...
Creative Phenomenon in A transparent lockbox
I am currently experiencing a personal phenomenon. There has been a palpable shift progressing in my mind for months now, but I feel it fully at this moment. There is just this overwhelming sense...
Dichotomy of Partying in A transparent lockbox
I met up with some friends I hadn’t seen in a while, they were around for the holiday. The experience was overall unpleasant I’ll say. My friend brought her new man along to introduce him; to be ...
Too practical in A transparent lockbox
Sometimes I am reminded of the variation of the human mind. I have witnessed some people in my life who are said to be smart, but they aren’t very intelligent. I have a half-sister who did a degr...
Abstinent in A transparent lockbox
It is the season of getting drunk with the family. I have been sober since July. I tend to do the extremes in life, in that I am all or nothing. There have been too many moments of embarrassment ...
In the mall in A transparent lockbox
Something has reignited in me after years, suddenly I can’t help but to begin writing creatively again. Maybe it is due to the frequent journaling that has allowed my thoughts to breathe and refo...
As a fetish in A transparent lockbox
Recently something has been brought to my attention. My appearance is androgynous, it isn’t something that I consciously fostered, it is just what I’m drawn to I guess. There have just been more ...
Questionable Desire in A transparent lockbox
I’ve made it through so much of my life being quiet and unrecognizable, but suddenly for the first time in my life, I have the desire to be known. Just for my peers to see who I am I guess, and t...
Hypersensitivity in A transparent lockbox
I feel so abruptly raw sometimes. When I touch the cloth and the fabrics I feel like it becomes part of me, and I feel each microscopic texture that is on it. When the wind is howling in this dis...
Blue November, Mindless Hunger in A transparent lockbox
Whenever I go to the city, I worry that I will run into the only guy I ever thought I liked. If we are being honest, he’s a guy I didn’t know very well. We talked every day for a month and a half...
Fragility in A transparent lockbox
Something I am always trying to understand is the depth of my emotional vulnerability. So many times, I feel so fragile and like I can be seen through, but it’s only within my own little world. W...
Rusting Gold in A transparent lockbox
Everything seems so amazing when it’s new and fresh. Living alone, making your own money, entering a new part of the world socially, but it all can fall quickly. There’s this side of life where y...
