Dichotomy of Partying in A transparent lockbox

  • Dec. 30, 2023, 11:21 p.m.
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  • Public

I met up with some friends I hadn’t seen in a while, they were around for the holiday. The experience was overall unpleasant I’ll say. My friend brought her new man along to introduce him; to be blunt, he is a vile man. But that isn’t the thing I am thinking about the most. These are the friends I used to go partying with. Martinis, joints, drunk cigarettes, tequila shots, and bars. Seeing them and being sober emphasized the mental dichotomy I have of myself. I jokingly have said before that I alternate between partying and being contemplative, but I think it may have been rooted in truth.
When I am drinking I don’t really think much, I just plan when I’ll be going out to the bars, clubs, or who I will be hanging out with on the weekend to party with. It is so interesting for me to think back to because I was seen as cool and fun and whatever. When I was out, people would hit on me, dance with me, and try to flirt, my coworkers would always say they wished they could go out and have fun like that and would always say how fun it seemed or how hot I looked. Honestly, I never enjoyed the clubs much though, even the bars really, I just liked getting drunk and sometimes it was interesting to watch the people on dates or meeting up with friends. I would get hit on, but I never engaged with any of it, I already had all I needed to have fun, which was my gin.
Now that I am sober, I don’t know how to party or be “fun” like I was. There are movies I go out to, drives I go on and sing to the radio, or eat out at restaurants, those things aren’t held in the highest regard when it comes to partying though. Hanging out with the people I used to party with made me feel like an endless bore. “Oh, you still aren’t drinking?” was asked with so much disappointment and a look of sadness. While I don’t feel interesting anymore, I am more thoughtful and more stable of a person. I’ve been able to read again, watch three-hour movies, and write, which I haven’t done this heavily since 2020. It is fascinating to see how boring I’m perceived to be now. Not being drunk has made me far less desirable as a friend and date it seems. In feeling that awkwardness around people I believed I was close to, I thought about how maybe I would rather find other people to be boring with, people who don’t mind that and are satisfied with Sunday drives and the stupid jokes I tell. I don’t want to be cool like I was, I just want to, at the very least, feel neutral and vulnerable without the desire to hide.

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