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1.) Your doom metal band will be called BENJAMIN TANKLIN at first until the bassist’s girlfriend Cindy suggested TANKENSTEIN and you reluctantly agree that it’s a lot better and change your band’...

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1.) If someone offers you mayonnaise, the correct response is to say “I second that emulsion”. 2.) Home Depots are very important in Los Angeles during the holidays as they’re an easy place to m...

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1.) The news about the new penis pumps that actually work would be big, if true. 2.) Do you rock enough to call your crust-punk band Dirt Cobain? 3.) The best name for a pornographic actor ever w...

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1.) I want to dress like an Eastern European oil money plutocrat with an entourage, go into a McDonalds while an assistant orders for me but halfway through eating I just yell “GOOD! THIS IS VERY...

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1.) Having social media means occasionally seeing someone you sort of know have a nervous breakdown in real time. social media is the weirdest thing we’ve ever come up with. our ape minds might n...

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1.) Here’s your Christmas present: you can name your band Freak Sinatra. 2.) Maybe the REAL Harvey Danger was in knowing that it would all fall apart after a single absurd radio hit all along. 3....

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1.) After 50 years, your homemade pornography loses its copyright and lapses into the pubic domain. 2.) Your recursive film about culture hacking and remixing will be called GRETA, GARBLED. 3.) A...

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1.) We’re not PA-RUMP-A-PUM-PUMPED about anything, Television Commercial. You played your hand too far. It’s 2017, ain’t nobody pumped about anything .We are SA-RUMP-A-SUM-SURVIVING at best. 2.) ...

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1.) The way duck skin crisps up all brown is the Mallard Reaction. 2.) You get you an Elvira in the streets, Elvira in the sheets, kinda gal. 3.) If you got in on BitCoin really early, I say to y...

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1.) I am not making fun of any culture, I am just saying that it is awesome that someone has a candy named “barfi” and that you can get it as “plain barfi”. I am not making fun of India but damn ...

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1.) The scariest movie I ever saw was THE DARK CRYSTAL and it still is. 2.) You know how they had AfterMASH, about what happened to the doctors after the Korean War, I guess they ran a hospital i...

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1.) In the “Press Your Luck” game show that is flipping through L.A.s weird digital signal channels, ANDROMEDA WITH KEVIN SORBO is the Whammy on The Comet Network. 2.) I bet if Guy Fieri took a s...

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1.) In my headcanon, Shaggy’s father is named Samuel so that the paranoid fringe figure who thinks his dog can talk will literally be Son of Sam. 2.) If they can manage to get Trump behind bars f...

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1.) You’ve never seen a sadder ice golem than when someone explained to Frosty what a snowblower ACTUALLY does. 2.) I want to say that the party at the house next to my brother’s involved a 75 mi...

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1.) The great thing about AIM ending and making friendster and ICQ jokes about it is that google-plus is actually still around but not even relevant enough to even be compared to myspace. 2.) TIT...

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1.) I’m like Bow in SHE-RA, kind of useless but you need one or two dudes around and hey at least my hair is incredibly handsone. 2.) If you say “Big Rock Candy Mountain” ten times fast you event...

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1.) If you think Die Hard is your favourite Christmas movie, your favourite Hanukkah film is probably its sequel Die Challah. 2.) Vandalize all MAGA signs by changing them to say NAGA and then dr...

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1.) A series of Jethro Tull remixes where they take out all the flute parts called “Jethro Null”. 2.) Your story about Biggie Smalls’ reincarnation will be called THE CONTINUOUS B.I.G. 3.) Whenev...

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1.) A festive holiday train ride where half the kids, at random, get to meet Santa while the others are tormented by the Krampus. Call it… The Bi-Polar Express. 2.) It’s weird how Star Wars is th...

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1.) If Frankenstein were a professional wrestler, I’d hope they’d announce him as being from Parts Unknown. 2.) The less said about The Loin Ranger the better. 3.) When Luke went to an old hermit...

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1.) “Yeah, I’m kind of a big deal in the half-bee witch community,” she said, totally bumblehagging. 2.) When your friends are Catholics who are gonna have one of those six hour long High Mass w...

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1.) Curdle the milk of this spoiled society into a nourishing yogurt by inoculating it with active counter-cultures. 2.) I am indifferent to how my clothes fit, I am nonplussedsized. 3.) Whether ...

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1.) Every conspiracy theory started with a person deciding that their view of the world must matter more than the facts as they happen, what happens when acknowledging the truth would kill you bu...

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1.) National tabletop role playing game day should be December 20th, yeah? 2.) Why do the bodegas in Utica all seem to have flashing red and blue lights in their windows? It seems self-defeating ...

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1.) No no no, they were chanting “JAIL SATAN!” “JAIL Satan!” They’re Christian but they’re moderates, they want to see the Dark Lord fairly tried for his crimes and, you know, rehabilitated under...

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