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1.) Oh, by the by, if you rant about how millenials “want everything handed to them” & want to be “treated like they’re special just because they’re born” but you were gaga over the wedding o...

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1.) If your brain is what makes you hot to the ladies, does that make you a thinkubus? 2.) This is probably not a great time to be a Norwegian named Hans Olo. 3.) Lots of people talk about how fo...

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1.) Another food hot take: the vinegar of ketchup actually cuts through the fattiness of fried mozz sticks better than marinara. 2.) The Nihilism Monster sings N IS FOR NOTHING, THAT’S ALL THAT T...

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1.) You do you but if you’re asking me if I’m gonna wake up early to watch a multi-million-dollar television extravaganza essentially celebrating that two pretty rich people I don’t know personal...

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1.) Prodigal man, prodigal man, birthright thrown in the garbage can, he’ll come back they’ll understand, prodigal man. 2.) Can we all agree to pretend that SHERLOCK GNOMES wasn’t a real movie, t...

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1.) “Meghan Markle” sounds like the girlfriend of a 5th rate Marvel hero. “Will Speedball’s secret identity ever be figured out by his girlfriend, reporter for the local Spectrum News cable chann...

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1.) Investing in fall-out shelter companies is just setting yourself up for failure. 2.) A word doctor can help you determine if you over-complicate your punctuation with a simple semicolonoscopy...

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1.) You know how sometimes failing bands will come up with a “sequel” song to the narrative of their big hit? What about a prequel song? How about a new summer anthem called WHO LOCKED THE DOGS I...

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1.) YOU MAKE ME FEEL LIKE DANSON/YEAH, LIKE I STARRED IN “CHEERS” TODAY/YOU MAKE ME FEEL LIKE DANSON/YEAH, LIKE I STARRED IN “CHEERS” TODAY 2.) When I see bursts of red on an electoral map, I lik...

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1.) Maybe we could get the fake president to leave us all the hell alone if we just made him the real president of golf instead of the fake president of America. He spends more time on golf than ...

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1.) Only did a lack of imagination cause people to call it “Witness Protection” instead of “Disappearing Inc.” 2.) Doesn’t a “brand ambassador” sound like someone who burns a pattern into your fl...

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1.) No man is an island, not even Islandman. (He’s actually an isthmus.) 2.) I like to believe that when the actor who voiced Admiral Akbar was told to try out for the role by his agent, he thoug...

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1.) Are you sure you could ACTUALLY handle being a coroner? Remains to be seen. 2.) HOT TAKE: Todd Rundgren’s “Dust In The Wind” is better than Kansas’ song of the same name. 3.) The most damning...

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1.) I mean, yeah, I’m singing Doors parodies about Deep Space Nine, aren’t you? “Mister O-Do’s Risin’, Mister O-Do’s Risin’, RISIN’ RISIN!” 2.) Sadly, the very smartest of the dinosaurs were too ...

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1.) At the end of Willy Wonka, was Violet Beauregarde… berried alive? 2.) The other big thing saving my mind in the middle of this all is a tool my dad left me, maybe even specifically for situat...

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1.) A parody of John Lennon’s WOMAN about a wolfman? 2.) The fact that we don’t have Wishbone around anymore to introduce PBS children to George RR Martin’s work in A GAME OF BONES is a loss for ...

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1.) If you’re writing a story about the Disney and Warner Brothers characters going off to fight in Vietnam and slowly being dragged down into bitterness, madness and despair, you better damn wel...

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1.) People who want “the big corner office” unnerve me. I don’t understand the impulse to having big flashy abusive power. I just wanna work from a computer in a converted closet or from a stage,...

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1.) For the first time in over three months, I wanted to clean the house, it felt like it needed doing, like it was worth doing, like it wasn’t just meaningless in the face of the weight of how a...

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1.) If you turn a pair of Converses inside-out are they now a pair of Contrapositives? 2.) When law is just a mechanism to justify, to codify hate and fear, discard it. When law is a mechanism to...

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1.) Evolution is just the aggregation of mistakes that turn out to be beneficial until you have something new. Make all the mistakes. Sort out what works at the end. Work it out. Evolve. 2.) In t...

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1.) 83% of the names of summer camps in bad comedies are essentially “Camp LazyRacistJoke”. 2.) When people say “oh, people in (oppressed group) just like to pretend they’re offended to get atten...

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1.) How can I write the sweet little story I have half-finished on my laptop for Wednesday in this bitter rain, in this crumbling nation, in this unfocused lonely mournful mood? It sits there wai...

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1.) Elton John’s seafood restaurant should be called THE BISQUE IS BACK. 2.) You CAN explore other cultures as an influence in your own art but it takes a light touch. It’s called “cultural appro...

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1.) It’s not about how good you are at the beginning, in baseball or in life. They’re going to make adjustments to cancel out your strengths once they get a closer look at you. If and how you’re ...

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