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1.) Not enough people would get my joke about a vast government conspiracy of over-priced make-up stores called “MK-Ulta”. 2.) If you have to defend yourself from the Gestapo that ICE has become ...

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1.) The bastards have you buffaloed, worrying on what’s possible, what’s in line with your ideological tribe, even what’s real. None of those matter in the long run. What matters is what’s humane...

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1.) Ain’t nobody buying my pitch about two sweetly-dumb serial killers bumbling their way across the country in DAHM AND DAHMER. 2.) More like the Dow Jones COMBUSTIBLE Average, AMIRITE? 3.) Your...

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1.) The difference between “the greatest” and “just good enough” is all style points. Empty ego puffery. Do your thing. Don’t worry about being “the best” or “perfect”, that’s for suckers. Get yo...

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1.) I always watched Agents of SHIELD with my pop. I thought “oh God, at nine, I can’t miss it.” I didn’t forget him, I didn’t forget our tradition. I did, however, in my grief forget what day it...

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1.) Do you think I sing “Smooth Criminal” to my mom’s dog? Of course I do. OLLIE ARE YOU OKAY, ARE YOU OKAY, ARE YOU OKAY OLLIE 2.) State of the Union? Jesus Christ, let’s be serious, if I was fo...

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1.) So there’s this document going around, proof that there are long-established forces opposed to the way the Trump junta “governs”. It’s called The Constitution. I’m sure they’ll say John Hanco...

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1.) I still say the maple syrup production term “sugaring off” sounds dirty as hell. 2.) I really really really hope that the problem with my mom’s computer was a botched Windows 10 update that I...

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1.) I’ve never once in my life been motivated by negative reinforcement. I’ll never understand those people. Doing something to “prove someone wrong” is the farthest idea from my mindset ever. “Y...

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1.) The hardest night of every diet is the next night. It not only never gets easier, it gets very slightly harder every single day. For the rest of my life, I guess? I’m sure quitting smoking is...

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1.) They needed someone to come in and save their human resources department from itself. Their own personnel Jesus, if you will. 2.) The problem with Access is that fans elevated to very minor c...

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1.) If you estimate that your business was established during Eastern Standard Time, do you write “EST EST EST” on the door? 2.) The New Testament is actually called “Testament 2: His First Assig...

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1.) Branding their Halloween baked good “Boo Cakies” may not have been the best idea. 2.) You gotta take weight loss the same way Genghis Khan took Asia, steppe by steppe. 3.) Remember: serfdom r...

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1.) Good is better than perfect. Perfection has no room to change, no room to grow. Without change, in a generation, the old perfect will be evil & cruel because perfect gets stuck in its mom...

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1.) One of the things that I really loved about the TRAMONTANE CAFE’s tenth anniversary in retrospect was the care Robin and Garrett put into making sure the full spectrum of the Tram’s creative ...

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1.) Now that Tram 10 is in the books, now I gotta get some new material rolling for Flash Fiction Wednesday and Utica Poets Thursday. Hey, at least now only my legs hurt and not my back AND my le...

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1.) It’s a good thing I didn’t see the Lord of the Rings movies in theatre because at the end, when they left for Valinor The Undying Lands, I would’ve wanted to announce “THE ELVISH HAVE LEFT TH...

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1.) I agree that anything worth doing is worth doing well, I will merely add that… upon consideration, there are relatively few things in this life actually worth doing. When something matters, I...

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1.) YODA. You Only Do, Always. 2.) She didn’t like saying she “had diarrhea” she preferred to say she was “freestyle scatting”. 3.) “Is that a terrible teevee dinner?” “Beef Banquet. Bingo.” 4.) ...

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1.) Last night’s nightmare, I got in a minor fenderbender and it somehow managed to ruin my entire life, putting weight back on and everything. My nightmares are not subtle. 2.) Have I made my pe...

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1.) I still don’t know what a Cardi B is. I think this may be one of the good things about being closer to Old. 2.) If your snowman is a rapper and has eyes made out of coal, your snowman is the ...

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1.) Your company making boutique bras for the modestly-chested will have the slogan “Support Small Business”. 2.) Wishy-washy Kylo Ren, taking so long to Sith or get off the pot. 3.) Remember in ...

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1.) I choose to believe Frau Blucher in Young Frankenstein was named after Blucher Ave in the Valley. I have no proof but this is my official head-canon. 2.) If these dark days don’t make you lon...

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1.) If I had to go into the Witness Protection, I hope I got to be like a tour guide or bus driver so I could be all “I’m Don Stopbelievin and I’m here to take you on a journey.” I would be dead ...

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1.) At least, the rise of the debit card is slowly killing the lame jokes about dating your checks wrong in January. We have that. 2.) Student loans officially delayed for another year. Betting o...

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