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1.) If you turn a pair of Converses inside-out are they now a pair of Contrapositives? 2.) When law is just a mechanism to justify, to codify hate and fear, discard it. When law is a mechanism to...

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1.) Evolution is just the aggregation of mistakes that turn out to be beneficial until you have something new. Make all the mistakes. Sort out what works at the end. Work it out. Evolve. 2.) In t...

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1.) 83% of the names of summer camps in bad comedies are essentially “Camp LazyRacistJoke”. 2.) When people say “oh, people in (oppressed group) just like to pretend they’re offended to get atten...

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1.) How can I write the sweet little story I have half-finished on my laptop for Wednesday in this bitter rain, in this crumbling nation, in this unfocused lonely mournful mood? It sits there wai...

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1.) Elton John’s seafood restaurant should be called THE BISQUE IS BACK. 2.) You CAN explore other cultures as an influence in your own art but it takes a light touch. It’s called “cultural appro...

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1.) It’s not about how good you are at the beginning, in baseball or in life. They’re going to make adjustments to cancel out your strengths once they get a closer look at you. If and how you’re ...

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1.) Godzilla caught wind of the locovore movement and started to eat only trains. 2.) You don’t get to be a billionaire doing good things. Maybe you can get to be a billionaire while walling your...

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1.) Dear Richard Spencer lookin’ douchebag race-car driver in the Honda ad on SNY, if you have to tell us you’re a “famous race-car driver”, you aren’t a famous race-car driver. Oh, you may well ...

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1.) Professional wrestling is a series of conflicts… of interest! 2.) If you get together at a cafe to make fun of a charlatan who pretends to talk from the dead so as to exploit the grieving, yo...

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1.) An Alanis parody built around the line “THERE’S A SHOPP-ING LIST IN MY POCKET AND IT’S WHAT I’M GONNA USE FOR MY LYRICS”. 2.) If your ear falls off, is that deaf leprosy? 3.) It’s a giant vir...

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1.) We need Superman to show up to help the Mueller investigation so we can call this a Constitutional Crisis On Infinite Earths. 2.) She claimed she was working on her addiction to Beanie Babies...

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1.) Oh, The Intercept, you Useful Idiot Putin-shills. “The lawsuit against Wikileaks is an attack on press freedom!” Jesusing Christ, you navel gazing ego-cases. It’s an attack on espionage takin...

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1.) Any rap song instantly becomes 80% more depressing if you change the reference from Hennessy cognac to Genesee beer. 2.) A DETAIL YOU WISHED WAS ADDED IN A STORY IS NOT A “plot hole”. IT IS A...

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1.) And, yes, all if you all knew King Crimson like you should, I would write a parody of “Happy Family” about how terrible Adam Sandler’s Happy Madison productions have become. Of course I would...

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1.) What did the toreador order at the espresso bar? Cafe OLE! 2.) Wasted away again in Bean Burritoville, looking for that… lost key to the john… 3.) Here’s something interesting: remember when ...

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1.) Here’s another parody I can’t write because almost no one would both know the song and get the cultural reference: a parody of King Crimson’s “Cat Food” about the video game Shaq-Fu. 2.) HOT ...

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1.) She took to cashiering so quickly that it all seemed counter-intuitive. 2.) I hope that the remake of “BJ And The Bear” will be called APE MISBEHAVIN’. 3.) Sneak into a rally of bigots with a...

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1.) Trump makes you miss when evil was less stupid and knew how to put up a respectable facade. The elder Bush was an oil-profiteer war-monger CIA spy-lord but, God, at least he wasn’t an idiot a...

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1.) If you didn’t name your Catholic-metal band “weapons of Mass destruction”, you don’t deserve to be the person who invented the genre of Catholic-metal. 2.) At this point, if you wanted to sel...

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1.) I just realized the ultimate “You Wanna Feel Old?”: there are people on the road, right now, as we type, legally driving cars who were born after the attacks on 9/11/2001. 2.) Many people hav...

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1.) I know Ollie has never seen any of the EVIL DEAD movies, he couldn’t understand him if he did, he’s a dog. However sometimes I look at him and in his eyes I see the phrase “Good boy? Bad boy?...

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1.) A movie about vampires flourishing in the total night of mining operations would HAVE to be called “Blood Diamonds”, right? 2.) If you must do something stupid like try and market “A MOUTHWAS...

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1.) I hope that at Cirque de Soliel, the souvenir stand is called Merch de Soliel. 2.) “Shopaholic” is such a dated judgemental word. They vastly prefer “retail-oriented” these days. 3.) The most...

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1.) Cut out the middle man, call your band The Indie Darlings. 2.) Is getting paid to snowblow a form of frostitution? 3.) Interestingly, the yearly competition for remembering fictional species ...

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1.) Maybe raging against the dying of the light is missing the point. Maybe the idea is, sneak around in that growing darkness and start some new fires despite the dying instead. 2.) You know wha...

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