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1.) If you gathered enough hawk feathers, could you make a pillow filled with black hawk down? 2.) A variant on vaporwave where glam rock is slowed down and glitched out called “glum”. 3.) A film...

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1.) Evil isn’t even the worst problem, at least in a vacuum. The evil of the handful wouldn’t be able to get very far without the apathy of the many. Apathy is the enabler that makes whatever evi...

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1.) A head canon where Sluggo’s birthname is Simon Ritchie, he will eventually grow up to be Sid Vicious and NANCY is all one long prequel to the history of The Sex Pistols. 2.) One word misuse t...

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1.) We need a baseball acronym “gWAR” because it’d be the most metal statistic ever. 2.) “Twitter Survivor’s Guilt”: the newly-discovered emotion you feel when a celebrity you never heard of has ...

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1.) The semi-colon is a comma comma comma comma chameleon. 2.) You will come to prominence in the art world under the pseudonym George O’Keeffe, painting flowers that pretty clearly are supposed ...

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1.) An ad for mayonnaise, probably Hellmans, starring Alton Brown with the tagline “I Second That Emulsion” is probably the best idea that will never be used ever. 2.) A tumblr account fictionall...

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1.) Let us invent fake international soccer teams to pretend to root for when surrounded by soccer hipsters this World Cup. Brusseldorf FC. Shaumport United. Futbol Arzelea. 2.) In your present-d...

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1.) Go to a Westboro Baptist Church rally, try to blend in at first and then bring up a sign that says “IT’S FLORENCE AND THE MACHINE, NOT LAWRENCE AND THE MACHINE”. Sometimes it’s just as fun to...

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1.) Oh that Trump, up bright and early for a brisk walk, his morning unconstitutional. 2.) The cat has the fur colouration and the nimble hands of a skunk, the dog farts like a skunk spray, betwe...

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1.) Whenever I see an ad for small engine repair, I imagine the Oompaloompas as the world’s most adorable mechanics. 2.) A rapping penguin called T-Peng. 3.) The fact that Kentucky Fried Chicken ...

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1.) (to the tune of Tutti Frutti) Got a dog named Ollie, his life is food and folly, got a dog named Ollie, WOO, his life is food and folly, he knows how to bark loud, yes indeed, look around the...

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1.) I’m just saying “Wuthering Heights” would’ve been more interesting if Mister Heathcliff were actually a garbage-picking orange cat but nothing else were changed. 2.) We’re living in a tableto...

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1.) You measure your South Asian flat bread using naan-eculidean geometry. 2.) The 10,000 empty think-pieces about Bourdain are the least Bourdain thing ever. Don’t write glowing things about a s...

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1.) Tyler The Creator walks into the sea, to hibernate in a deathless dreamless sleep. When the rituals are complete, he returns back from the briny deep to scourge the surface world, reborn Tyle...

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1.) All the servers have to wear short-shorts as they bring you your omelet at the newly renamed International House of Butts. It’s not gonna end well. 2.) HOT TAKE: the sudden proliferation of d...

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1.) The best argument for Crossfit is, of course, Christ’s rock hard abs. Crucifixion really works the core. 2.) Babies are much cooler when you mentally compartmentalize them as “human puppies”....

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1.) The art of shaping a fast food sandwich to the hand comfort of the consumer is known as “burgonomics”. 2.) The next Star Wars origin film will be about the bounty hunter IG-88 and will be cal...

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1.) I’ve got two quick poems and some micro-prose, two quick poems and some micro-prose, two quick poems and some micro-prose. 2.) A hipster interrogates Jesus: “Were the loaves gluten-free, thou...

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1.) Sometimes I’ll look at my Twitter timeline and see a relatively-interesting thought about the current political situation and then, to follow it up, a pun about an obscure comic book characte...

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1.) Is there anything more toxic to societal freedom than generational wealth, exponentially metastasizing over decades into the new fiefdoms, into the new royal caste? Is there anything more tox...

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1.) Your X-Files musical will be called I WANT TO BE LIVE. It will be… terrible. 2.) When you split the bill for your date, that’s “going Dutch”. When you pay for your date by bartering freshly c...

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1.) An entire freeze-dried horse! Shelf-stable! 2.) Over a long enough time scale, the toothbrush is nature’s toothbrush. 3.) Sugar Ray is banned from art museums, what with how the statues crumb...

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1.) ALF was always going on about with the “I Kill Me!” but the Tanners never got the poor guy counseling. That was a cry for help. 2.) On my clipboard, I found a drawing of a broccoli floret wit...

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1.) All people are equal in the eyes of God, all humans are equally weak in the eyes of Grodd. 2.) Seven Habits of Highly Effective People: eating, drinking, sleeping, breathing in, breathing out...

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1.) If you’re only able to contact a palette-swapped copy of the ghost you’re trying to reach, you’re using a Luigi board. 2.) There are not enough jokes about how Indiana Jones’ given first name...

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