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1.) Without social media, how would we know if our old crushes are still attractive? How could our favourite celebrities tell us what to be mad about? How would we get a minute-by-minute telling ...

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1.) I am gonna be so happy when this false president all turns out to be an ARG publicity stunt to promote an iPhone VR game about an impossibly bad dystopian future. 2.) The problem is the born-...

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1.) I can hear Morrissey, I can smell clove cigarettes but I don’t see anyone… it must be Invisigoths! 2.) You know, they probably could’ve gotten away with admitting Soylent Green was people if ...

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1.) Maybe the future alien archeologists will not understand accents and think Alabama was ruled by giant sentient owls. 2.) Heaven will be a Dickens plot in Hemingway’s clipped journalistic styl...

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1.) A lesser city would celebrate their team’s first win in over two years by setting some cars on fire. Cleveland will out-do them all and set fire to a river. 2.) “Flores shut down due to arthr...

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1.) When you see an admitted serial sex-criminal push an attempted rapist onto the Supreme Court, tell me again how edgy you felt voting for a 3rd-party vanity candidate instead of the adult in t...

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1.) Famous people hiring paparazzo to stalk the normals, trying to figure out what it’s like to be real, secret channels full of mundane-centric TMZs, the fake gods obsessed with us, the things t...

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1.) I am watching a rerun of a old terrible gameshow and “Macklemore” is an answer and it reminded me how long we have had to deal with the scourge of the Mackle. 2.) Ironically, having a heavy u...

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1.) You know who shared a first name? Lot’s Wife and Jesse’s Girl. 2.) Sometimes you just sit around wondering “What would a mash-up of the kid’s cartoon ARTHUR and the Dudley Moore ARTHUR look l...

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1.) If someone says you’re over the hill, just say “That’s a pretty lucky hill, then” and wink. 2.) Of course the Republican party loves football. Where do you find people brain-damaged enough to...

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1.) Just once, one of these fake survival reality shows should end with a title card: “The star starved to death. The crew’s craft service table was ten feet away but we had to let him die for jo...

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1.) THE DREW CAREY SHOW was so unfunny, it wasn’t even funny how unfunny it was. 2.) If pressed to write a parody about Pavlov, I’d probably start with “SALIVATE TO BELLS, COME ON, IT’S A SALIVAT...

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1.) American right-wing political identity seems to be predicated on mistaking the Ferengi as the heroes of old Star Trek reruns as opposed to the third-tier comedy villains. 2.) Any song can be ...

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1.) They should’ve named Kramer on SEINFELD “Murray” so they could have called his entrances “Murray Pop-Ins”. 2.) The nerdiest possible name for an infomercial food-prep device would be a Dicin’...

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1.) Critiquing someone else’s critique is really just deconstructive criticism. 2.) Watching reruns on the Bzzr channel, I’ve realized “Celebrity Name Game” was actually an experiment to create t...

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1.) ACTUALLY, only the castle was called Wolfenstein. First person shooting games are Wolfenstein’s monster. 2.) Mostly, I’d just wanna write a Green Lantern Corp comic so I could have a minor ch...

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1.) My non-existent comedy rock band will always be called Screaming Viking but my non-existent post-grunge indie rock outfit is definitely now called Brainfog. 2.) My rule is, if you have to ask...

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1.) The film bored Dracula and the Wolfman but Frankenstein was just riveted. 2.) The apostle who didn’t show up to defend Jesus because he was too busy watching weird period pieces on PBS was fo...

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1.) Your ability to stay vividly angry for days straight at a time will be dubbed “temper tantra”. 2.) Tell the stories you needed when you were young or hurt or empty and you needed them but the...

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1.) Drama Machines have No Soul. 2.) Most of your heroes, accomplished well-to-do successes, spend most of their time deeply unhappy, cursing the world that they’re not a lot more famous, a lot r...

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1.) You take the good, you take the bad, you take ‘em both and then you have… a false dichotomy… a false dichotomy… 2.) If journalists had the guts to risk their access by calling out these basta...

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1.) Your chaotic-evil halfling bard spreading lies to aid the pretender king will be named Bilbo Reilly. 2.) The Great Space Coaster must do battle with the hot shots of the United States Air For...

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1.) Hangin’ around… nothin’ to do but frown… muggles, norms and mundanes always get me down… 2.) Scrollin’ down the feed, seein’ vaguebooks, social med-i-a use… laid back… with the text on the ce...

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1.) I haven’t seen “Confession: Worth The Price Of Admission!” on a Catholic church sign yet but I guess we’ll get there some day. 2.) Whenever I read the phrase “Strained Yogurt” I imagine all t...

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1.) Every moment there is joy and horror and beauty and tedium and love and sleep and eating and confusion and want and pain and ecstasy happening, all over the world, in the various nodes of the...

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