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Page 79 of 139

1.) People watching in a mall, a burrito bowl, looking at what stores have changed, sticking a fiver in a massage chair, ending up in a bookstore, reading something I wanted to read but not enoug...

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1.) Your Steely Dan/Beastie Boys mash-up “No Sleep Til Brooklyn Owes The Charmer Under Me” will be the crowning achievement of an age that hasn’t achieved much. 2.) Put a friend in a gimp suit, o...

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1.) Unlike the Constructicons, however, the Deconstructicons are not six Decepticons who join together into one larger robot to battle Optimus Prime, rather they are six Decepticons who split int...

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1.) It was hard to tell if they were a hair-metal band or just being ironic, the whole thing was incredibly glambiguous. 2.) What was my generation’s obsession with irony but an intellectual vers...

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1.) When you graduate from Mohel College, they play “Pomp and Circumcision”. 2.) A Batman themed prom called “A Knight To Remember” will never happen but it would be the first actually interestin...

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1.) Ah, El Pollo Loco. The Mexican chain you only go to if every Mexican chain other than Taco Bell is unavailable. 2.) We need a famous couple that’s a Jennifer and an Eric (or Erica!) so that t...

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1.) If you skulk around apiaries, you’re a bee creeper. 2.) Technically, Blur’s “Song 2” would mash-up well with Rob Thomas’s “Smooth” but… it would only bring Song 2 down. WOO-HOO! 3.) The Harve...

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1.) I tell the cat “Kitty wants pets? But kitty IS pets!” but he seems to not appreciate my sparkling wordplay. 2.) An emo insult comic with the stage name “Call Out Boy”. 3.) Tonight, I have rea...

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1.) Garfield was named as such because his mother gave birth to him in a field of gar. 2.) Vegan rappers don’t have beef, they have tofeuds. 3.) I think it’s nice that we have a word for complete...

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1.) A parody of “Bela Lugosi’s Dead” about Bela Lugosi’s dad? 2.) Everybody pretends to be so sanctimonious pure when talking about “refusing to vote for the lesser of two evils” but do y’know wh...

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1.) Saw my dad in a dream this afternoon, napping after getting up at the crack of something to pick mom up from the airport. We went thrifting. It was nice. 2.) If you have a fetish for Japanese...

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1.) I wonder if when the Powerpuff Girls hit puberty, they’ll grow fingers. 2.) I am irrationally bothered when people speak the phrase Super Mario Brothers out-loud as “Super Mario Bros”. Youtub...

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1.) The love of watching people embarrass the crap out of themselves using social-media neologisms in real life conversation is called “fleekophilia”. 2.) Yes, I was singing “The Night Chicago Di...

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1.) Yoda narrating my life: “Begun, The Cleaning Wars have.” 2.) If you want a good rap battle, you have to be very diss-organized. 3.) If you slurp your soup too fast at the sushi bar and get it...

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1.) One of the few good things about the Mets churning through AAAA dross looking for non-embarrassing middle relief arms this year is sometimes one of the bad news bullpen names is really funny:...

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1.) Build the world’s fastest waterslide and call it The Tubin’ Missile Crisis. 2.) Now you got me singing Electric Light Orchestra’s “Mister Blue Sky” as “This Gnu Guy”, Great Space Coaster, jus...

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1.) I mean, I sing HOLD ME CLOSER TINY PANTHER to the cat too but then the dog gets all jealous and pissy. 2.) Today’s serenade to the woof-creature has been to the tune of “Day-Oh”: Hey, Mister ...

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1.) Every business you think millenials are “killing” because they don’t spend money on it anymore is something they’d like to spend money on except the middle-class has been gutted so that douch...

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1.) I wonder if they had to re-title “Die Hard” for German markets so no one would think it was a porno. 2.) It’s weird the way post 9/11 America has fetishized security protocols like a badge of...

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1.) I wonder how many Starfleet personnel refuse assignment on ships named Enterprise, like, “nah, man, the Enterprises always, like, time travel and fight demi-gods and stuff, I just signed on t...

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1.) Call your bat mitzvah band “Jem and the Challahgrams”. 2.) A cooking show that incorporates stand-up comics would be pretty cool. I would called it “Flavor Bombed”. 3.) Repeatedly hitting you...

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1.) What James Gunn said was disgusting but is it as disgusting as the fact that the people calling him on it are supporters of a “president” who was having Russian agents silence teenage girls h...

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1.) As much as many of the individual events of San Diego Comic Con sound amazing and wonderful and fun, to actually wade into that heaving mass of human confusion and endless lines without the p...

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1.) I think adultswim should record a loop of John C Reilly singing mangled versions of Christmas songs interspersed with rambling digressions, animate his Doctor Steve character on fire, slowing...

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1.) A wizard trickster who only casts really-specific mostly-harmless curses, like making a person confuse “patella” with “paella”. 2.) In your reboot of Highlander for the millenial age, Connor ...

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