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1.) Drama Machines have No Soul. 2.) Most of your heroes, accomplished well-to-do successes, spend most of their time deeply unhappy, cursing the world that they’re not a lot more famous, a lot r...

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1.) You take the good, you take the bad, you take ‘em both and then you have… a false dichotomy… a false dichotomy… 2.) If journalists had the guts to risk their access by calling out these basta...

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1.) Your chaotic-evil halfling bard spreading lies to aid the pretender king will be named Bilbo Reilly. 2.) The Great Space Coaster must do battle with the hot shots of the United States Air For...

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1.) Hangin’ around… nothin’ to do but frown… muggles, norms and mundanes always get me down… 2.) Scrollin’ down the feed, seein’ vaguebooks, social med-i-a use… laid back… with the text on the ce...

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1.) I haven’t seen “Confession: Worth The Price Of Admission!” on a Catholic church sign yet but I guess we’ll get there some day. 2.) Whenever I read the phrase “Strained Yogurt” I imagine all t...

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1.) Every moment there is joy and horror and beauty and tedium and love and sleep and eating and confusion and want and pain and ecstasy happening, all over the world, in the various nodes of the...

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1.) Whenever the last Sears closes, I hope someone named Roebuck starts laughing hysterically, not even knowing why. 2.) Your band will be called The Admiral & Commander Tenille. 3.) Your par...

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1.) His supposed culinary genius was a fraud, basically just smoke and mirepoix. 2.) As long as this fake president occupies the White House, the Secret Service can be better referred to as “The ...

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1.) Tonight I learned that the host of “Supermarket Sweep” also played the son of the Howells on “The Harlem Globetrotters Visit Gilligan’s Island” and in some small way the world makes a little ...

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1.) Here they come, here they come, like they’ve always done, stigmatizing the ill instead of blaming the gun. 2.) The best thing about re-run game show channels like Buzzr is seeing the prizes ...

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1.) Your beat-boxing nom de guerre will be “Box Populi”. 2.) If you’re a long-distance trucker for Cheerios and your CB call-sign isn’t “Haulin’ Oats” you’re doing something wrong. 3.) COLONOSC...

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1.) Your seafood restaurant that objectifies the male servers will be called CODPIECES. 2.) In all things, I have always valued being interesting over being perfect, in food, in potential lovers,...

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1.) Your parody of “April Come She Will” will be a saucy interpretation of the Ninja Turtles canon. 2.) Late Capitalism is the Taco Bell Fourth Meal of economics. Or maybe it’s the other way arou...

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1.) for now we see, as through a glass broken/as through a screen of busted LCDs/for now we see, as if through a screen dimly or mirror half-shattered/through prismatic crazing, a fractal of frac...

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1.) Puttin’ out to the universe that I’m lookin’ for some concrete direction. I don’t know if there’s anything organized enough beyond the veil to answer back with an arrow but I may as well make...

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1.) That moment when you realize “Oh, I probably had blinding headaches yesterday because I forgot to take my blood sugar and blood pressure meds”. Getting old beats the alternative but… there ar...

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1.) I want some, like, really realistic pragmatic love songs on the radio. “Settle for me, it wouldn’t be the worst thing, settle for me, I’m not that bad”. 2.) If your book on the history of the...

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1.) An Old Navy Christmas ad involving the line “Sleep In Heavenly Fleece”. 2.) I mean, sure, there are times you just start singing “You Make Me Feel Like Dancing” in the style of Danzig. 3.) I ...

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1.) A life defined by my many ironies in the fire. 2.) Voted “Thinnest Customer In The Salvation Army ” three years running. 3.) A super casual tabletop role playing game called WIZARDS AND WHATN...

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1.) How has Sir Mix-A-Lot never put his name on an infomercial blender? 2.) If you’re lucky, if you’re really lucky and you’re good, art is not just a slight delightment and art is not just an ar...

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1.) Kurt Cobain’s death is a Schrodinger’s box, really, he was a famous person you almost assuredly didn’t know. The truth of whether he killed himself or was killed is irrelevant to your life, w...

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1.) After divorcing over his drinking, she went from dearly belov-ed to beerly delov-ed. 2.) In Australia, it is tradition before using the bathroom first thing in the morning to greet the room “...

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1.) I want to believe myself desirable in an unconventional kind of way but lacking the evidence lately, I dunno. With everything that’s happened the last few months, I suppose I’m not exactly in...

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1.) Hepatitis-Cat is a relatively mild strain, it merely makes you into a beatnik. 2.) If Herman, Lily, Eddie and Grandpa were all murdered by a descendant of Van Helsing, would they change the n...

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1.) A SCENE FROM THE NERD DINER: “I don’t get it.” “What don’t you get?” “How is this dish The Aquaman Special? There’s no fish in it or, like, even kelp, it’s just curry.” “Yes,” she agreed, “it...

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