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1.) A whiskey flask but inside that whiskey flask, a tiny Bible but inside that tiny Bible, a tiny bottle of a hallucinogen so rare and potent that mainstream science doesn’t even have a word for...

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1.) Took a nap and had a nightmare about falling into a world of infinite synthesis of thesis and antithesis, infinite remix, deconstruction and reconstruction on an endless loop, watching realit...

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1.) Clearly we need a corporate merger so that there can be a “Bed Bath Body Works And Beyond”. 2.) Every time you think that the main guys for the New England Patriots couldn’t be worse venial s...

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1.) The opposite of “Mother Superior” is “Nun The Less”. 2.) Jim Morrison was an avid fan of Tupperware parties and would often sell from Door-to-Door. 3.) Why did they call the clothing line “C...

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1.) A fun way to refer to the failed casino owner’s insane Twitter is to call it “Vlad Libs”. 2.) Your movie about a Greek philosopher/bouncer will be called RHODESHOUSE. Oh God, will it be terri...

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1.) A zoo membership is the gift that keeps on gibbon. 2.) Bob Barker could raise a lot of money for animal charities if he went viral by founding “Spays Force” right now, is all I’m saying. 3.)...

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1.) The Boy Scouts “Needlepoint” badge is super hard to get because it’s sew in tents. 2.) A single ship of Men’s Rights Activists led by the dread pirate Neckbeard. They’re not very tough but re...

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1.) Having to choose between the warp pipe for extra coins or the hidden 1-Up mushrooms. #firstworldproblems 2.) Less “national emergency” more “emergency caused by allowing power to be seized by...

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1.) Willie Mays, once an all-time great, lost trying to play in the outfield because he didn’t know that two years ago was the time to go away. It happened before I was even born but the image is...

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1.) Then there are the days in being low-carb where you just keep hearing the beginning to “Wake Me Up Before You Go” except as “CINNABON, CINNABON, CINNABON”. 2.) About the only way to make SHAR...

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1.) If the staff of a Salvo knows you as “the guy who buys weird stuff” you must be doing something right. 2.) In Hollywood they put your hands and feet in wet cement when they think you’ve done ...

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1.) Maybe you’ve mistaken power over others for a freedom of your own. Maybe you’ve mistaken a lack of responsibility to help your fellow humans for a freedom of your own. They look like freedom ...

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1.) The dog’s golf nickname is “Fuzzy Smeller”. 2.) If Golden Girls came out today, you know there’d be a joke in there referring to sex as “getting a little Medicare Part D”. 3.) Luthor stands ...

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1.) A pick-up line that’d only work w/ someone who really just wants to have a wedding would be “I’ve forgotten your last name, can I give you mine?” but w/ that person, it’d work really well. Ki...

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1.) If you give out Necco Wafers dressed as Tim Curry, it is a chalky horror picture show. 2.) Entropy and Order are the Thermodynamic Duo. 3.) A great name for a book about the way media forces...

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1.) After Soviet frat party, shame walks you. 2.) Fan fiction where the “that” in “Anything For Love” turns out to be “foot stuff” and then Quentin Tarantino swoops in to steal the poor rejected ...

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1.) A show about antique pickers who dress like Chippendales’ dancers on hunts called MACHO MEN’S RANDY SALVAGE. 2.) (1.) Who is the weirdo who uses facebook as their primary video viewing servic...

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1.) So many of our issues come down to economic Stockholm Syndrome but acknowledging it would offend the hostage takers and ruin their ransom so here we are, fighting over crumbs instead of disco...

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1.) Gertrudestein was the author, her baffling support of fascist governments was Gertrudestein’s monster. 2.) If you have to go to the electric chair, request the last meal of a bag of popcorn k...

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1.) It’s amazing they’re ending BIG BANG THEORY after 53 seasons. Did you know that nerds are fey and obsessive? Big Bang Theory taught us this for 107 years straight, first starting as the first...

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1.) There are very few people I would wish to burden with the terrifying complex nightmares I have when sick. Endless cycles of suffering and reality breaking down, only for the next level of rea...

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1.) The feminine of “Molemen” isn’t “Molewomen”, it is “Molelasses”. 2.) Joseph threatened to kick her out unless the father was God. “It’s Yahweh or the highway!” 3.) When the Super Bowl ends, ...

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1.) My current online journal (this one!) just turned 5, has over 3000 posts, over 1000 poem rough drafts (200 of which are decent) 150 song parodies (30 of which are decent) 100 short stories (2...

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1.) I don’t need tattoos or piercings, I have rejection letter paper cut scars on the inside, crosshatching a Mona Lisa inside my rib cage and nothing done to my outsides could ever hope to compa...

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1.) If you asked me “what band would the NFL get for the Super Bowl to be the most aggressively inoffensive non-political thing possible?” I would answer “Maroon 5 can’t still be a thing so, like...

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