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1.) My current online journal (this one!) just turned 5, has over 3000 posts, over 1000 poem rough drafts (200 of which are decent) 150 song parodies (30 of which are decent) 100 short stories (2...

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1.) I don’t need tattoos or piercings, I have rejection letter paper cut scars on the inside, crosshatching a Mona Lisa inside my rib cage and nothing done to my outsides could ever hope to compa...

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1.) If you asked me “what band would the NFL get for the Super Bowl to be the most aggressively inoffensive non-political thing possible?” I would answer “Maroon 5 can’t still be a thing so, like...

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1.) Your vegan baloney substitute will be called Phogna Bologna. 2.) If you ever need a new name for drag, may I suggest the term “femulation”? 3.) The corny joke centre of the brain is the mazo...

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1.) Don’t write what you know, write what you feel. When you only write what you know, you get caught up in the literality of your experience and start going over the same details over and again....

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1.) If you regain your amateur status, did you pro-lapse? 2.) The problem with being a famous (whatever) is exactly that, that being famous is half the job and the thing that they actually do is ...

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1.) All that really separates us from the animals are the notion of recurrent debts, like car payments or student loans. Another point for the animals. 2.) Effort is only worth anything when what...

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1.) When the estate of Jonathan Larson approves a RENT-themed BBQ spice rub, I’m jumping in with “Seasonings of Love”. 2.) Your savory dinner-breads will be advertised with the slogan “Thyme… To ...

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1.) TARDIS underwear: “don’t worry, baby, it’s bigger on the inside” 2.) I finally realized where I recognized that “Gritty” mascot for the Philadephia hockey team from, he totally jumped out fro...

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1.) I’m not “Dual-Wielding”, baby, I’m “Ambidangerous”. 2.) “A broken urinal,” he scoffed, “I won’t stand for this!” 3.) The muppets go to Sweden and find the chef can’t translate and upon resea...

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1.) Hard-Of-Hearing Spider-Man lives by a single motto: something about grape flowers, his uncle was really into grape flowers. 2.) Aging is really just terrifyingly slow uncontrollable shapeshif...

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1.) An upscale version of “My Drunk Kitchen” called “Soused-Vide”. 2.) The low-key worst part of Hall of Fame balloting is that even obvious non-choices get to be on it their first year. Like som...

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1.) A series of infomercials where Lou Ferigno endorses a line of sponges called “Loofa Ringos”. 2.) Dear billionaires, please fund a lavish woman-led remake of Lawrence of Arabia called FLORENCE...

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1.) If you’re a Patriots fan and cheer for the team, that’s your loyalty & your prerogative. But at least admit Tom Brady is a terrible fraud of a human being, despite being good at football ...

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1.) People who hate cheat codes in video games that ruin competitiveness, that mean some people don’t have to know how to be good at anything, but don’t understand that inherited wealth is the sa...

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1.) The Dairy Council is strongly unified, they watch out for each udder. 2.) Your Johnny Cougar parody about Bronies will be called Little Pink Horses. 3.) On the one hand there is some cool st...

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1.) I’ve lived a life of alternating insane expectations or no expectations, now is the time to try to live a life of some expectations, just-above-average expectations. Try that for a while. 2.)...

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1.) American Politics On Credit: Hate The Female Politician Now, We’ll Tell You Why Later. 2.) Bill Channel didn’t get rich off his “Weather Channel” by understating winter weather. He got rich g...

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we are fractured ephemeral slivers of stars that are briefly conscious of self these hazmat suits made out of meat that we might interface within reality without shattering into nothing, n...

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1.) Leave it to the History Channel to pretend that African folk couldn’t figure out how to build the monuments and instead find the one crazy white guy white and crazy enough to blame it all on ...

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1.) After every Jurassic Park movie, there’s a spike in baby dinosaur adoptions because they’re just so cute and within a year, most of them get abandoned in the forest. When you drop a dinosaur,...

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1.) The Star Wars premise of “ain’t gonna work on Beru’s farm no more” functions for either a Dylan parody OR a Rage parody. 2.) These evangelical born-agains don’t follow Jesus’ path, they follo...

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1.) I often say that there should be a chef-themed metal band called ROLLING BOIL but only today did I realize the lead singer should go by the stage name “Gorgon Ramsay”. 2.) A hack of TOMB RAID...

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1.) You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can even pick your friends’ nose (if that’s what everyone’s into) but you can’t pick your friends’ battles. Focus on picking your own. A...

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1.) Don’t have heroes, have influences. Heroes tend to crush you when you find out how much of their public image is a sham. Influences are fluid, changeable, negotiable. It goes without saying t...

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