Entries 3,482
Page 55 of 140
apr 26
A parody of Tool’s “Sober” about eating soba noodles? Quarantine pick-up lines: “would you like to shelter-on-face?” LESS DIRECT MESSAGES, MORE DUNGEON MASTERS! As if we’re not suffering ...
apr 25
If you’re both into cheesy weepies but still hook up afterwards, instead of “Netflix and chill” you can be “Beaches and cream”. I wish that summoning medical equipment was as easy as yelling ...
apr 24
The emotional rollercoaster that’s the uncertainty of life in time of plague, man, I intellectually expected it but really-real ready for it, I was not. Everything, the fear, the little goods y...
apr 23
Give yourself credit just for making it through a day, these days. A redneck warlock who lives in a weird hut by the swamp called Bubba Yaga. In L.A. you avoid contact with people by traffi...
apr 22
Nah, a “My Sharona” riff about Corona virus, that’s easy level parody, that’s Local Morning Zoo level. Get you a man who sings “Covid Covid Covid Covid Chameleon” to himself in the shower. If...
apr 21
A single man walks up to the stage, steps behind the mic, says nothing, there is an awkward pause. Finally, he yells “SKA-VENGERS… SKA-SSEMBLE!” and twenty horn player appear behind him out of ...
apr 20
Television shows, even web shows, that are recorded in chunks and stripped daily or weekly are so weird right now. It’s like there’s this… delayed world behind us that hasn’t shut down yet that...
apr 19
I wonder if anyone ever said “I know, we’ll start a bar with a brass band every night and we’ll call it Horn Pub!” and then they had their heart broken when it was explained it would be forever...
apr 18
The destruction and mess in the wake of a big arts projects is called “the craftermath”. No, the nerdiest Ben Folds parody possible would be of “Jackson Cannery” and be about a lich’s phylact...
apr 17
The proper nickname for Bud Light is “Blight”. Store Brand Sugared Corn Flakes! Theeeeeeeeeey’re ADEQUATE! Isn’t cocaine tightly compressed to pass as a Christmas decoration really just blo...
apr 16
A giant sea-hawk that attacks and devours terrible pop-country acts called The Grand Ole Osprey. The dog in Garfield was only nicknamed “Odie”. His real name is “Olive Drab” a nod to his exte...
apr 15
If you had to create an erotic short story about the Sovereign Citizen movement, like, as a commission, I hope you at least give it the title LEGAL FRICTION. You know what would really cheer ...
apr 14
If what’s best is currently impossible but you continue to plow all your energy into pursuing what’s best to the exclusion of all else, you are wasting your gift of life and making things worse...
apr 13
We will sell soaps, lotions and burlesque supplies. We will be called BATH AND BAWDY WORKS. Being a Mets fan has given me a leg up in understanding American politics: you can never fall into ...
apr 12
If you want an economic stimulus after the virus passes, nothing would get money flowing than the cancellation of all student debt. Now, unlike some people, I know it would never happen, you’d ...
apr 11
Yes, I am singing a song about a particularly brutal vampire called “Vlad, Vlad Leroy Brown”. This is what we do during civilization’s collapse. No zombies to kill, just chillin’ inside, singin...
apr 10
House be burning down, the far right and far left be arguing over the definition of fire while the rest run for water. A man blinded to reality by hateful greed and a man blinded to reality b...
apr 9
“These Fig Newtons taste awful, like gun powder and K-Mart…” looks down, realizes they accidentally purchased Fig Nugents. Ain’t nobody wants to share your misery but they may wanna share you...
apr 8
Nearly any curse can be improved by introducing the adjective “lemon-scented” before it. They no longer want to be called “drill sergeants” they now prefer “personnel trainers”. In the mi...
apr 7
Don’t say “I haven’t had sex in years”. Say “I’m dry-aging my meat”. It sounds all classy cooking show host. Your sexy French Super Mario Brothers cosplay will be called Brigitte Birdo. May...
apr 6
Would a marijuana edibles baking competition be called a Cookie Chilloff? By mishandling the response to the Corona virus, leading to the cancellation of the March Madness tournament, Trump’s...
apr 5
Less misery cults, more mystery cults! I can see the forest, or any given tree, it’s all those imagined distinctions in-between, that are utterly lost on me. Political arguments aren’t Supe...
apr 4
Build a drum kit entirely out of Gatorade containers and perform as The Electrolyte Orchestra. Your musical about the behind-the-scenes drama behind a cooking show will be called PUREE FOR HO...
apr 3
So this year, I can say that I’m not going to the Saint Patricks Parade in Utica “because I’m afraid of the Corona virus” instead of stating the truth that I don’t care to freeze and then wade ...
apr 2
The optimal name for a pet armadillo is “Pinecone”. Yeah but what if rock n roll doesn’t love you back? Endeavour at all times to remind the world how goddamned weird everything is. The mor...
Book Description
originally, I went to college to be a comedy writer
the urge to still generate short form ideas remains
I collect, once or twice a day, my one-liner jokes
and my germs of ideas that I litter on social media
into little collections I call “barrages”
and then I put them here
sometimes
