Entries 3,460
Page 52 of 139
june 18
Your heist-focused rogue-heavy D&D campaign will be called “Ocean’s Elven”. Way this year is going, April worries bring May flurries. Imagine exposing yourself to a potentially deadly d...
june 17
America on 4/20/20 was, like, five thousand rednecks coughing on each other on governors’ lawns chanting “WE THE PEOPLE” and three hundred million stoners looking at their marijuana buds in the...
june 16
HARD PILLS TO SWALLOW: Bitcoins are just Beanie Babies for libertarians. In a way, they ARE socially distancing, just with extra steps. Who would wanna hang out with a jackass who goes to a g...
june 15
It’ll be like an ice cream truck but we’ll go around selling pens and pencils and paper goods and stuff like that. We’ll call it MOBILE STATIONERY. Your horror show about an Italian chef so b...
june 14
It’s a chalupa shell filled with a spicy cheese sauce and Slim Jims. It’s called the Nacho Man Randy Sandwich. What if we get a Democratic governor to tell them to never put salt in their eye...
june 13
Maybe we could just tell these people that President Obama said that breathing is really cool and just… see what happens next? At some point, they must’ve called that cologne just Spice. Wh...
june 12
Lately, to the tune of the State Farm jingle, I want to greet the dog: “Hey look there’s Ollie, fat tiny bear!” Understanding the sweetness of a good pun streak really only takes getting on a...
june 11
Seeing Jack White in a dream is a sign you are going to watch a Tim Burton movie in the near future. Wal-Mart has us so broke by putting all the small businesses that paid better out of busin...
june 10
A parody of The Flaming Lips “She Don’t Use Jelly” based around the line “she was in quuuuuuuuuuuuaaaaaaarintine, quarantine!”? You will do angry punk covers of classic rock staples as THE RO...
june 9
I want to show up at a party where I was supposed to bring snacks, claim that I am the snack and then sheepishly go out to the car and get the snacks when no one agrees with me. I still can’t...
june 8
A great name for a punk band? Hell-Ron Ubbard. Give to the World Health Organization, saving lives, while Trump cuts off funds to life-saving organizations out of petty spite, calls for civi...
june 7
I just realized that Mr. T is powered by self-pity and the T stands for “Tomfoolery”. The mediocre hamburger chain Fuddruckers is trending on Twitter and all I can think of is Trent Reznor sc...
june 6
The realization that I am adapting easily to wearing a mask in public because I have worn a full face sleep apnea rig to bed every night since my early 30s.... that is a weird realization. An...
june 5
Another good name for a band? “Mahatma Gumby”. I wanna read a story about French philosophers that happen to be dried fruit called LE CALIFORNIA RAISONS. Walkin’ around with toilet paper on...
june 4
Mask over both the nose and mouth, people. Remember the face mask rule “If you don’t look like the Shredder, you’re going to be deader.” Without life, there is no liberty or pursuit of happin...
june 3
At a certain point, if we ever get to the other side of this, it will need to be The Time Of The Do-Overs. To grant them to other people, sure, but for God’s sake, to ourselves. We will need to...
june 2
Alex Trebek over-pronounces “SOPH-O-MORE” like he is trying to chew through drywall while saying it. Despite a decade of college and internships, gynecologists and proctologists leave school ...
june 1
Just because someone else refuses to accept your shared humanity doesn’t give you the right to do the same. Your commission to be humane is not thusly discharged. Violence only begets violence....
may 31
She suggests that the solution to world hunger is to kill and eat every pop star other than her in Taylor Swift’s A Modest Proposal. Before it hatched, the Maltese Falcon was an egg maguffin....
may 30
Rhea Pearlman was produced by forcing Rhea Oysterman to ingest grit and then waiting patiently. Yes but where are all the soft-boiled crime dramas? A leggy dame saunters into a detective’s of...
may 29
Did the YOUNG FRANKENSTEIN musical have a “Do You Want To Build A Showman”? number? Maybe Herb didn’t eat a Whopper because they were herbicidal. The fraternity barely got a slap on the wri...
may 28
Rand Paul looks like the painting Elon Musk keeps in the attic to age for him. You down with no T.P.? YEAH YOU KNOW ME. You down with no T.P.? YEAH YOU KNOW ME. You down with no T.P.? CHECK T...
may 27
I don’t know what would be in the cocktail “The Malty Falcon” I just know it’s a good name for one. The conservative movement sure love states rights when they take rights away from women and...
may 26
You will cover television themes as death metal under the band name “Scooby Doom”. No, the weirdest pop-culture mash-up would be Taika Waluigi. You will cover goth music in the style of tin...
may 25
Each gun bought thinking you’re making yourself safer makes the world more dangerous. Each violent threat you make against Power makes Power’s violent threats stronger & more justified. Bot...
Book Description
originally, I went to college to be a comedy writer
the urge to still generate short form ideas remains
I collect, once or twice a day, my one-liner jokes
and my germs of ideas that I litter on social media
into little collections I call “barrages”
and then I put them here
sometimes
