Entries 3,460
Page 48 of 139
sept 26
I want a little poster of Michael Jordan in a cubicle with a headset in front of a computer and the slogan. “Just Do I.T.” If you get off on being talked to like a pirate, that’s ASMRrrrrrr. ...
sept 25
The smell of garden hose baking in the heat, half the stale water bubbling up within, half cheap rubber gassing-off in temperatures it can’t fully sustain. The smell of summer, but in that bad ...
sept 24
Never forget that Trump tried to get the Central Park Five framed for murder & executed for no other reason than that they were black. That’s the bastard’s pattern, his primary goal is fame...
sept 23
I just realized that the people at the Tulsa Hate Rally were LITERALLY OK boomers. She considered “ob-gyn” such a formal title for what she did. She preferred “privates investigator”. “Leve...
sept 22
If I ever make a “story” on facebook, it is because my fat fingers slipped while writing a status to my timeline. No shame to those who use that feature but I am so much not a visual thinker th...
sept 21
The Covid Covid Cabana show drew like a weekday 1PM baseball game in the Northeast in April. Neat. The GOP has two things left, the only two things it’s had to run on since the 90s. Racism &a...
sept 20
Another good name for the Tulsa Hate Rally is, of course, “Covidpalooza”. Pizzadu. Stately home of Charles Entertainment Cheese. There is only one remaining mystery to the mogul’s death, his ...
sept 19
Has anyone tried to get the nutbar conspiracy theorists to waste all their money buying up Paw Patrol toys or still-racist boxes of Uncle Ben and Aunt Jemima, telling them they’re gonna be valu...
sept 18
Two weeks or so from now, a new Tulsa massacre, rednecks dying in respirators instead of burning down Black Wall Street. It will be poetic, of course, but I’d rather no one died, myself, not ev...
sept 17
When young, all you want to do is see the world burn for all its cruelty. When old, you see how righteous rage like that is where all the cruelty comes from and want to save the good remaining ...
sept 16
There are worse things to name your car than “Liam Nissan”. You know what’d be a really niche parody? Metallica’s “Harvester of Sorrow” about the manager at a Sbarro’s. When you first hear ...
sept 15
I like to think that in the aftermath of that “Do You Love Me Now I Can Dance” song, it turns out that she loves him even LESS now that he can dance because he’s such a damned show off about it...
sept 14
I despise guns but grew up in gun culture & pay attention: look at gun ads in magazines 30 years ago, they’re all some guy bringing in a duck, holding up the antlers of a buck. Now they all...
sept 13
Breyers Ice Cream and Lindt Chocolates should get together and do a flavour called “Breyers Lindt”. Your indie rock band will be called “The Abandoned Breadmakers”. Think about it. Every Amer...
sept 12
Why didn’t P. Diddy ever sell “Puff pastries”? An even more jank Long John Silvers, like a K-Mart Long John Silvers, an even worse pirate themed fish chain called Yaaaaaaarbys. A terrible n...
sept 11
Seeing Adam Sandler’s career devolve into terrible direct-to-video releases to give his old buddies jobs, maybe the Emperor should’a told him how his faith in his friends was his weakness not, ...
sept 10
The huge M.C. Escher hit “Can’t Navigate This”. A movie about how NASCAR drivers use adult diapers so they can keep turning left called PEED RACER. A cartoon about Goofy as a composer calle...
sept 9
Even now with three legs, Felix still puts in the work to try and show the world his butthole all the time for no good reason so, like, I guess that’s the sign of a healing cat. The irony of ...
sept 8
My student loans are 19 years old now, almost four times longer than the “Confederacy” lasted. That’s how short your “history not hate” that you defend so vehemently lasted yet I see no statues...
sept 7
When Tarantino says “TGIF!” it’s not that he’s looking forward to the weekend. He’s saying “Toes Go In First”. Run like hell. In founding Swordlandia, he didn’t have to renounce his identity ...
sept 6
A film about Sherlock while Watson is on vacation called HOLMES ALONE. Zeus throws Greeced lightning. Ned Flanders goes to Australia and plays the diddlydo. Dimension X did Krang the brai...
sept 5
If you think you’re being catfished but it turns out they’re actually the outlandish thing they said they were, I hope it’s called “dogfished”. It’d also be a great title for a story about a me...
sept 4
A grasshopper with absinthe swapped in called a Creme Demented. If Lady and the Tramp had a date at a sub shop instead, we could’ve totally made a joke about them being so in love that they f...
sept 3
Religion has all the good questions but nothing to back the answers up. Science has all the good answers but has a hell of a time applying them to the world in a way that’s humane. There is onl...
sept 2
A nude beach, shuttered for the plague, with a sign that says CLOTHED UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE. If Princess Bubblegum was made out of candy, does that mean that many ADVENTURE TIME plots revolved...
Book Description
originally, I went to college to be a comedy writer
the urge to still generate short form ideas remains
I collect, once or twice a day, my one-liner jokes
and my germs of ideas that I litter on social media
into little collections I call “barrages”
and then I put them here
sometimes
