Entries 3,529
Page 46 of 142
jan 23
Nosferatu look down upon modern vampires, dismissing them as painfully new-fangeled. An alpha-build of a video game about Dr. Pimple Popper would be in early-abcess. It’s like RATATOUILLE b...
jan 22
Sometimes a speech impediment is just an obstructed vowel. No, the worst wordplay possible would be “stuffed crotch pizza”. Fan fiction about Lucille Ricardo joining the police force called...
jan 21
Wakko, Yakko and Dot never mention the forgotten third Warner brother, Malcolm-Jamal. Yes, I would write an entire story about Jesus as a super-spy just to get to the line “Manger is my middl...
jan 20
Hate is just fear that thinks it can do something about itself. Love is just being so sad about being hurt by hate that you realize no one should ever feel as sad as you do. PAUL BLART 3: AMC...
jan 19
The unpopular banana recycling law was eventually repeeled. The Confederacy poured so many of its resources into murdering humans to protect their ability to treat humans as property that Ame...
jan 18
Baseball teaches us, in metaphor, things too difficult to accept straight on. Example: the best relief pitcher to ever exist will only become that because he wasn’t good enough to even be the w...
jan 17
These deluded fools, they feel like failures and cling to the lie that their whiteness makes them better because it’s all they have left. They’ll cling to religion and guns to try and protect t...
jan 16
If I were part of a supervillain duo, I would make our code-names “Collaborate” and “Listen” so that when a superhero or a cop or whatever yelled “STOP! COLLABORATE AND LISTEN!” people would st...
jan 15
I am sick of hipster interpretations of Santa Claus where he is svelte. Why can’t we have Old Saint Thicc instead? Baby Yoda, here we go again, my my. (I would write the parody longer but tha...
jan 14
In a bunk bed, someone always oversleeps. Took a nap and had a nightmare that I went back and tried to change the Grinch before the events of “Stole Christmas”, causing him to spoil the child...
jan 13
The name “George Wonka Bush” actually explains a whole lot of things. The presses fired up for another printing of Finnegan’s Wake and there was much reJoyceing. Some people found it heartw...
jan 12
NOW MAAAAAYBE/ YOU’RE RUINING YOUR FRIES WITH GRAVY / CUZ AFTER ALL / POUTINE’S A BAD CALL How is the Republican party like a pack of Lunchables? Any potential there is ruined by being filled...
jan 11
When the alien anthropologists find the sports stadia of old America, will they rightly understand them as the temples and shrines of our governmentally-supported civic polytheism or will they ...
jan 10
The larval form of the frogman is the minnowtaur. I was wracking my brain for a reality where U2’s existence was a net-positive and I only could come up with, like, maybe if in hell they play...
jan 9
The weirdest thing about Trump is how much of his cult are just living vicariously through the crimes and sins, like someone watching the terrible unlikable characters on ENTOURAGE or BIG BANG ...
jan 8
I love saying the word “autumnal” almost as much as I love pretending that its mid-year equivalent is “sumerian”. If I could teach America one fact, it would be “Just because someone agrees w...
jan 7
If you say “Shandyman” three times into a mirror, a ghost appears and ruins your beer by pouring cheap lemonade into it. The word “internet” is actually derived from the ancient Greek “intras...
jan 6
Ask not what The Bartman can do for you, ask how you can better do The Bartman. 2020 has been an infinite regression of Rubicons. We keep thinking there are no more lines we could cross and y...
jan 5
A movie about Sesame Street getting canceled for being bigoted against grouches called UNFOLLOW THAT BIRD. When you invest your entire savings into a medical marijuana dispensary, you’re tota...
jan 4
Little high-test micro Bloody Mary called a Mary, Queen of Shots. It’s a haiku, it’s a koan, it’s a haikoan. The only haikoan 2020 requires: how many psychic fairs were cancelled beca...
jan 3
You didn’t need pizza on a bagel to have pizza any time. You always could’ve had pizza whenever you wanted. It was societal expectation holding you back, not a bagel’s lack. Free your mind and ...
jan 2
I just hope that in the worst named television show of all time “Shasta McNasty” the lead character had an arch enemy named Shasta McNamaste who was like a super chill yoga bro who always upsta...
jan 1
The removal of the intricate animatronic floorshows diminished Chuck E. Cheese from Child Las Vegas Casino all the way down to Child Gas Station Just Over The Nevada Border With Eight Video Slo...
dec 31
That South Park “all the sides are equally stupid because they’re trying and everything that tries is stupid, FART NOISE” energy certainly doesn’t play well these grim days, that’s for sure. ...
dec 30
Since “pomme de terre” is French for potato, I hope a vodka sommelier is called a “pommelier”. The realization that with the proper slant pronunciation “Guy Fieri” can rhyme with “Mom’s spagh...
Book Description
originally, I went to college to be a comedy writer
the urge to still generate short form ideas remains
I collect, once or twice a day, my one-liner jokes
and my germs of ideas that I litter on social media
into little collections I call “barrages”
and then I put them here
sometimes
