Entries 3,428
Page 23 of 138
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If you wear really flashy clothes that are nearly worn out, that style is called “glamshackle”. There were originally a sensible amount of vowels in the term for someone from Utah, but the Mo...
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I hope the next big social media is honest and just calls itself “Skinner Box”. I would appreciate the candor. Less “Significantly Advanced Science Posing As Magic” More “Bizarrely Tweaked Ma...
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For years, I genuinely thought the Johnny Cougar lyric was “Life goes on long after the threat of living is gone” and maybe that says more about me than it does Johnny Cougar. The idea of old...
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Old is when you hear a song you hated when they played it 10,000 times on the radio when you were young and… you still hate it but you leave it on because you’re nostalgic for the feeling of ha...
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You can start the finest Italian restaurant in Liverpool, England and call it “Penne Lane”. No one can stop you. Life is often brutal and always short and arbitrary, you make up your meaning. D...
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America’s “Tin Man” except it’s about the Thimble Theatre comic strip. “OH POPEYE DIDN’T HAVE NOTHING FOR THE SEA HAG THAT SHE DIDN’T, DIDN’T ALREADY HAVE”. Last minute costume idea: Blonde b...
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There is a slot on the side of a building. If you press a button, a sundae is pushed out of the slot for you and a voice yells “NOW LEAVE.” This is called an ice-cream anti-social. Socially n...
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I am just putting on a plaid patterned shirt and if anyone asks, this is my costume, “Smallville Clark Kent If He Kinda Let Himself Go”. I feel like we could mash up Cake’s Going The Distance...
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If the plural of “octopus” is “octopi” then logically the plural of “Jesus” is “Jesi”. People wonder what happened to Jon’s roommate Lyman from Garfield but now it can be told, he’s being hel...
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A vampire of short stature called Gnome Chompski. That “Wake Me Up” song by Evanescence but with the lyrics from A-Ha’s “Take On Me”. “TAKE ON ME! ya da ya da ya TAKE ME ON! ya da ya da ya” ...
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Why say “pasta magnate” when you can say “penne royalty”? An adaptation of the King Solomon story called “To Halve And To Hold”. Trying to drive in a sleet storm is an obstruction of just i...
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The world is so bonkers, you can be sitting in a pharmacy waiting for a vaccination & someone will walk up to you & try to talk you out of it, just to validate their worldview. Like, if...
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I hope your significant other says your name the same way Youtube Preppers say “kit” and “system”. “It appears that Victor’s flesh golem is a mute.” “That,” Van Helsing replied, “goes without...
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The liquor store whose lotto was always down, gone now, only vulgar doodles in its window dust left as epitaph. There is a seemingly closed auto shop near the Mohawk/Ilion line called “Frank’...
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SWEATY TODD: THE DEMON PERSONAL TRAINER OF FLEET STREET I mean, someone must’ve written a story about a vampire private investigator called STAKE OUT or at least a cattle-rustling noir called...
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A white guy rapper named Two Podcasts For Sure. He definitely has at least two podcasts. There are not enough artistic interpretations of The Hamburglar as a raccoon creature. Sell regular ...
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Difficult to not look back on my life as an almost endless string of amazing opportunities I botched through indecision or fear of hurting others to get what I want. But every new day’s a new c...
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Last night’s nightmare involved having to take the Math regents as an adult while a virus that scrambled peoples’ emotional responses was tearing through the community. You ask “Mike, why don’t...
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You know, we could start a whole new Kenny Rogers themed coffee chain, in the ashes of his chicken chain, and still use the name “Kenny Rogers Roasters”. It would still work perfectly. If you...
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A parody of “Lido Shuffle” about Ghostbusters 2’s Vigo The Carpathian. I am now old enough where people younger than me are getting their musical nostalgia tours with a bunch of early 2000s p...
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An interesting thing about the porn-sick is the baseline they judge attractiveness on. A sane person would judge it at “the median of people who would voluntarily get naked for me in person”. B...
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A discount electronics store called Circuits Peanuts. Gluten God: The Demon Baker Of Wheat Street. Funko Pops are just plastic NFTs. Vampire fashion is static, unchanging, neither newfang...
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The optimal title for an album is “Self-Doubt Helps Us Not Be Monsters”. A great name for a band is “Lip Glossolalia”. When food does a strip tease, that’s just rice peel-off. Y’know, at ...
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If you really cared about music, you wouldn’t be complaning about Lizzo’s flute, you would be helping me find and destroy the six cursed puka shell necklaces that bind the demon Dave Matthews t...
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A parody of GNR’s “Double Talkin’ Jive” about apple picking? Considering how ambiguous the gender of a puppet really is, I sort of like calling the muppet band The Electric Theythem. If you...
Book Description
originally, I went to college to be a comedy writer
the urge to still generate short form ideas remains
I collect, once or twice a day, my one-liner jokes
and my germs of ideas that I litter on social media
into little collections I call “barrages”
and then I put them here
sometimes
