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1.) I want to write a really dark “Why did the Chechen cross the road?” joke for Yakov Smirnov. 2.) Conspiracy theorists are a bunch of DARPA queens. 3.) When you volunteer for your church, are y...

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1.) When you complain about the stupid goddamned names at Starbucks, you are venti-ing. 2.) If you’re ever writing for DC Comics, try to sneak in a growing superheroine on the L.E.G.I.O.N. called...

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1.) Your JANE AUSTEN/90s ROCK fan fiction mash-up will have Elizabeth Bennett fall in love with D’Arcy from the Smashing Pumpkins. 2.) Had TRU BLOOD, the show about vampire drugs, come out a few ...

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1.) The story of Adam and Eve involves a lot of good-natured ribbing. 2.) Whoever heard the movie was gonna be called “The Love Bug” and so made its name sound like “Herpes” is my hero. 3.) “LOL”...

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1.) If there are only three Spice Girls left, does that make them The Sparse Girls? 2.) Instead of saying “I’m thirsty” yell “I AM FULL OF PARCHMENT!” 3.) If you remade MORK AND MINDY with Mindy ...

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1.) No, actually the worst pick-up line ever is “Did you fall from the heavens? Because those are two meaty orbs.” 2.) The lead in TWILIGHT was just going through her vlad-boy phase. 3.) People w...

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1.) The racists and homophobes that are leading the charge from the far right ARE one deplorable mass. Deploribus Unum, them. 2.) Everybody sends their loved ones little pictures of David Lee Rot...

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1.) If you’re a skin doctor that specializes in helping people with issues due to goth/emo make-up is a doomatologist. 2.) The cookie name “EL Fudge” must’ve caused some “Who’s On First” miscommu...

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1.) Now that DARKWING DUCK & DUCKTALES are different universes, we need a “Flash of Two Worlds” cover mock-up with two Launchpad McQuacks. 2.) The way Wikileaks fell into being a cudgel for “...

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1.) I still say it’s a shame Zack de la Rocha doesn’t have his own brand of Almond Roca. 2.) The upside to scary things is you get the opportunity to overcome ‘em. 3.) Of course Syracuse is a bro...

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1.) What do the bees comprehend of the beekeeper suddenly pulling the honeycombs out for a harvest? What COULD they think? 2.) The Tumbler, The Grinder, The Tinder, Match and OKCupid all sound li...

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1.) Constantly refer to your love of It’s A Wonderful Life as capraphilia. 2.) The pagan ritual looked exhausting but really they were having a Baal. 3.) Donald Trump is literally a white noise g...

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1.) Famous people have songs written about them. Great people write their own goddamn songs. 2.) The sooner you admit that major college football can’t be a thing in the Northeast anymore, the so...

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1.) David Gilmour didn’t really run out of caramels, it was merely a momentary lapse of Riesen. 2.) Your emo-style Dave Matthews cover band will be called My Chemical Bromance. 3.) If in the Meth...

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1.) As an extra twist of the knife, the Road Runner owns thousands in Acme stock. 2.) That one son of Trump looks so much like Odo that I’ll never watch Deep Space Nine the same way again. 3.) Th...

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1.) The role that compliments the role of “Power Bottom” most is, of course, “Top Gun”. 2.) The Spider Man Homecoming/Spaghettios tie-in had BETTER use the phrase “with great power comes great pa...

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1.) Gowanus sounds like the name of a Pokemon. 2.) Ah Schenectady. Thunderdome encircling a lovely little three-block radius of the Proctor’s arts district. 3.) If I saw Trump rescuing a baby fro...

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1.) What with his love of eating beans, he was like a can in a kidney store. 2.) The Mourneaus hoped their son’s love of vivisection was just a phase he’d grow out of once he’d sewn some wild goa...

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1.) Anyone with any sense of history realizes that Trump is basically running as George Wallace with heavy brain damage, yes? 2.) Of all the bad things that don’t really matter, getting a video i...

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1.) Build an elaborate facebook personality test that scrapes for demographic information then make every outcome “you are gullible”. 2.) The idea of going to an event because you find Hulk Hogan...

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1.) Only the wisest of women and men can tell the difference between epiphany and lack of sleep. I am not yet one of those. 2.) If Trump loses, God willing, we should build a Truman Show dome whe...

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1.) He named his dark elf Michaelango and gave him the battlecry “Drowabunga!” 2.) If Guy Fieri’s autobiography is entitled GET RICH OR GUY TRYIN’, then MAYBE he’s self aware. 3.) I enjoy when a ...

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1.) Your punk band will be named Vom DeLuise. 2.) Your Star Trek themed winery will be called “The Grapes of Wrath of Khan”. Until the lawsuits, of course. 3.) Theft of body parts from the hospit...

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1.) Your body-modification parlor will be called Brand Management. 2.) The ultimate battle in Pokemon Go seems to be coming up with the most clever names for your digital monsters. 3.) Wholesome ...

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1.) When Zack Snyder sings Jingle Bells, the Batmobile losing its wheel causes it to crash into an orphanage, killing hundreds. (This was my most well-received Tweet ever, by the way. Twitter is ...

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