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Page 107 of 142

1.) Cage goes in the Twitter, you go in the Twitter. Snark’s in the Twitter. Our snark. 2.) Assbro would be a great name for a sex toys company. 3.) The upside to TV dying as a medium is that I’m...

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1.) Rural Southerners into ironic 80s nostalgia are known as “radnecks”. 2.) Your new-age goth band will be called “Flock of Sea-Ghouls”. 3.) And on the pedestal these words appear: Never gonna g...

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1.) The ignorant and the hateful, they’re just at Kamp Krusty with Trump as their distant myth to bring them food & water & smite their enemies. Their lives are crap but they wanna blame ...

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1.) Whenever I read “self-heating meal” I first think it says “self-hating meal” and I imagine a world where that happens. 2.) The thing about fishing is there’s a sucker born every minute. 3.) T...

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1.) My superpower is my left shoulder hurts whenever Donald Trump is saying or typing something stupid. That or my superpower is a torn rotator cuff. 2.) All the love of a “good” woman does is ha...

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1.) Making a facebook event for a psychic fair seems like a cheat, yeah? Everyone should just KNOW and show up. 2.) I broke the record for sounding like a broken record regarding my broken record...

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1.) When you manage an all-elderly Cramps cover band you will call them The Gramps. 2.) Can the news start calling drug smugglers “drugglers”? I’d smile every time an anchor said “drugglers”. 3.)...

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1.) Nearly everything that facebook ads declare “unbelievable” are actually imminently believable. Except some of the religious ones, I s’pose. 2.) Do I call everyone “sir” and “maam” because I’m...

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1.) If only Prince Charles had a lower-back tattoo that we might call it a Wales Tale. 2.) A parody of “Black Velvet” about Darth Vader, “Black Helmet”? 3.) Worry’s inevitable. When worry over th...

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1.) In Soviet Russia, Man-Elephant is not a human being, he is an animal. 2.) The “Marvel Zombies” comics did not take enough advantage of the fact that they had a character who was legitimately ...

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1.) Their anti-dungeons-and-dragons laws were, perhaps aptly, draconian. 2.) Whenever someone says “please hold” on the phone, I like to pretend they mean they’re very very lonely. 3.) Before you...

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1.) Frost Giant Advisory tonight. If your vikings are not prepared to battle frost giants tonight, please, get them indoors. 2.) Less a melancholy baby, more a melancholy maybe and yet melancholy...

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1.) I propose that we start calling the taint “the Grinch”. I think it would soon make the winter holidays a much more fun time. 2.) Trump publicity releases, just off the presses, get ‘em while ...

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1.) Your science-rock band’s name will be Density’s Child. 2.) Your renaissance emo band will be called Alchemical Romance. 3.) It’s like the song said, three is a magi number. 4.) Of course SUNY...

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1.) Where are all the Missy Elliot/Elliott Smith mash-ups I want? I want those a lot, I don’t even know why. 2.) The hipster choked himself with a My Little Pony bedsheet and died of auto-ironic ...

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1.) Do not blame people for being mad that the police are killing people for no sane reason. Be mad that the police are killing people. 2.) In lighter news, no one seems to want the National Leag...

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1.) “Alt-Right” is a damn polite term for what are actually “Nazi hipsters”. 2.) Maybe public breastfeeding would be less controversial if we just refereed to the phenomena as “suckle moms”. 3.) ...

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1.) Sadly, her pitch for a stoner sitcom was rejected because it was too high concept. 2.) Long Island Medium? More like LONG ISLAND EXTRA LARGE DISGUSTING FRAUD EXPLOITING THE BEREAVED OH MY GOD...

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1.) We have nothing to fear except for people not fearing enough. 2.) Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can doom for your country. 3.) I cannot tell a lie. I tell many many ...

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1.) I want to write a really dark “Why did the Chechen cross the road?” joke for Yakov Smirnov. 2.) Conspiracy theorists are a bunch of DARPA queens. 3.) When you volunteer for your church, are y...

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1.) When you complain about the stupid goddamned names at Starbucks, you are venti-ing. 2.) If you’re ever writing for DC Comics, try to sneak in a growing superheroine on the L.E.G.I.O.N. called...

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1.) Your JANE AUSTEN/90s ROCK fan fiction mash-up will have Elizabeth Bennett fall in love with D’Arcy from the Smashing Pumpkins. 2.) Had TRU BLOOD, the show about vampire drugs, come out a few ...

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1.) The story of Adam and Eve involves a lot of good-natured ribbing. 2.) Whoever heard the movie was gonna be called “The Love Bug” and so made its name sound like “Herpes” is my hero. 3.) “LOL”...

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1.) If there are only three Spice Girls left, does that make them The Sparse Girls? 2.) Instead of saying “I’m thirsty” yell “I AM FULL OF PARCHMENT!” 3.) If you remade MORK AND MINDY with Mindy ...

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1.) No, actually the worst pick-up line ever is “Did you fall from the heavens? Because those are two meaty orbs.” 2.) The lead in TWILIGHT was just going through her vlad-boy phase. 3.) People w...

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