Entries 3,460
Page 104 of 139
1014
1.) There have been nights I am so anxiously terrified Trump might win that I can’t sleep at all. This is one of them. 2.) So many social networks become He-Man characters with the addition of a ...
1013
1.) No, it is not classy to refer to your ejaculate as “exclusive member content”, I don’t care if it’s on Patreon or not. 2.) Michael Stipe’s linguistics class will be called “Semiotics For The ...
1012
1.) The only upside to a zombie apocalypse would be watching undead Bill Hicks fangoriously devour Dennis goddamn Leary. 2.) Have we crowdfunded the five mil to cover some former Apprentice assis...
1011
1.) The only locker room talk I remember was “how can I get out of running?” 2.) Is there anything funnier than a bully who only knows how to work w/ a lead wither away into nothing when he’s lic...
1010
1.) I mind the all-Christmas radio stations much less now that they mean pumpkin spice is going away for nine months. 2.) No, you can’t be neutral on a moving train but you also can’t pull an eme...
109
1.) Of course those nuns fell in love, they were both conventionally attractive. 2.) It’d be easier to say Trump was just “joking crudely” if it wasn’t exactly the kind of sexual assault he’s bee...
108
1.) Cage goes in the Twitter, you go in the Twitter. Snark’s in the Twitter. Our snark. 2.) Assbro would be a great name for a sex toys company. 3.) The upside to TV dying as a medium is that I’m...
107
1.) Rural Southerners into ironic 80s nostalgia are known as “radnecks”. 2.) Your new-age goth band will be called “Flock of Sea-Ghouls”. 3.) And on the pedestal these words appear: Never gonna g...
106
1.) The ignorant and the hateful, they’re just at Kamp Krusty with Trump as their distant myth to bring them food & water & smite their enemies. Their lives are crap but they wanna blame ...
105
1.) Whenever I read “self-heating meal” I first think it says “self-hating meal” and I imagine a world where that happens. 2.) The thing about fishing is there’s a sucker born every minute. 3.) T...
104
1.) My superpower is my left shoulder hurts whenever Donald Trump is saying or typing something stupid. That or my superpower is a torn rotator cuff. 2.) All the love of a “good” woman does is ha...
minimal barrage
1.) Making a facebook event for a psychic fair seems like a cheat, yeah? Everyone should just KNOW and show up. 2.) I broke the record for sounding like a broken record regarding my broken record...
102
1.) When you manage an all-elderly Cramps cover band you will call them The Gramps. 2.) Can the news start calling drug smugglers “drugglers”? I’d smile every time an anchor said “drugglers”. 3.)...
october starter barrage
1.) Nearly everything that facebook ads declare “unbelievable” are actually imminently believable. Except some of the religious ones, I s’pose. 2.) Do I call everyone “sir” and “maam” because I’m...
september capstone barrage
1.) If only Prince Charles had a lower-back tattoo that we might call it a Wales Tale. 2.) A parody of “Black Velvet” about Darth Vader, “Black Helmet”? 3.) Worry’s inevitable. When worry over th...
929
1.) In Soviet Russia, Man-Elephant is not a human being, he is an animal. 2.) The “Marvel Zombies” comics did not take enough advantage of the fact that they had a character who was legitimately ...
928
1.) Their anti-dungeons-and-dragons laws were, perhaps aptly, draconian. 2.) Whenever someone says “please hold” on the phone, I like to pretend they mean they’re very very lonely. 3.) Before you...
927
1.) Frost Giant Advisory tonight. If your vikings are not prepared to battle frost giants tonight, please, get them indoors. 2.) Less a melancholy baby, more a melancholy maybe and yet melancholy...
926
1.) I propose that we start calling the taint “the Grinch”. I think it would soon make the winter holidays a much more fun time. 2.) Trump publicity releases, just off the presses, get ‘em while ...
925
1.) Your science-rock band’s name will be Density’s Child. 2.) Your renaissance emo band will be called Alchemical Romance. 3.) It’s like the song said, three is a magi number. 4.) Of course SUNY...
924
1.) Where are all the Missy Elliot/Elliott Smith mash-ups I want? I want those a lot, I don’t even know why. 2.) The hipster choked himself with a My Little Pony bedsheet and died of auto-ironic ...
923
1.) Do not blame people for being mad that the police are killing people for no sane reason. Be mad that the police are killing people. 2.) In lighter news, no one seems to want the National Leag...
922
1.) “Alt-Right” is a damn polite term for what are actually “Nazi hipsters”. 2.) Maybe public breastfeeding would be less controversial if we just refereed to the phenomena as “suckle moms”. 3.) ...
921
1.) Sadly, her pitch for a stoner sitcom was rejected because it was too high concept. 2.) Long Island Medium? More like LONG ISLAND EXTRA LARGE DISGUSTING FRAUD EXPLOITING THE BEREAVED OH MY GOD...
#trumpaquote
1.) We have nothing to fear except for people not fearing enough. 2.) Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can doom for your country. 3.) I cannot tell a lie. I tell many many ...
Book Description
originally, I went to college to be a comedy writer
the urge to still generate short form ideas remains
I collect, once or twice a day, my one-liner jokes
and my germs of ideas that I litter on social media
into little collections I call “barrages”
and then I put them here
sometimes
