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1.) Dr. Strange would never use his powers to re-unify shredded cheese, that would just be degrating. 2.) You can only shop at the Enterprise’s Duty-Free shop when they’re not at warp speeds, you...

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1.) Why would you call yourself “Ghost Detectives” when you could call yourself “Spectre Inspectors”? I should get to name everything. 2.) Maybe like the Andre The Giant OBEY posters but with Ale...

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1.) If Spiderman is doing another Clone Saga thing, I demand at least one “Insane Clone Posse” joke therein. 2.) Step 1: Pretend to be struggling to spark an invisible Bic lighter. Step 2: Upon “...

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1.) So they wouldn’t be too hungry for the cheese-tasting party, they did a little brie-gaming. 2.) Metaphor well-placed is the closest thing we have to spellcraft. Story is the only thing we hav...

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1.) Driving home, I see an America heavily damaged but not irretrievably broken. There’s people there who’d suffer if we just tore it down. I don’t want a revolution. Revolutions forget chunks of...

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1.) In the old sci-fi novels, we thought the only jobs technology wouldn’t destroy were in the arts, in some ways it’s almost the opposite. 2.) Last time the Cubs won the Series, the political ma...

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1.) 70 yrs ago our grandfathers died in the mud to beat back fascism. Now all we gotta do is vote for a woman to do it & people say “BUT EMAIL”. 2.) They are burning black churches now. They ...

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1.) I remember being told I was crazy in ‘01 for saying this would lead to failed states and endless war because that’s what history said. As a kid, it sounded cool to be in times that flirted w/...

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1.) Your Walking Dead parody of “Put On A Happy Face” will be “Put On A Half Eaten Face”. 2.) I still can’t process that someone thought it a good idea to create a Lethal Weapon teevee show essen...

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1.) We will establish a utopia on Earth as long as we always vote the opposite of who Ted Nugent or Kid Rock would vote for. 2.) Anthony Weiner is Team Rocket from Pokemon. No matter how far we s...

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1.) An espionage thriller about conjoined twins, one of whom is a spy, the other of which is unaware, called DOUBLE LIFE. 2.) At least call your subliminal weight-loss tapes “Hungry Hungry Hypnos...

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1.) Just before the culmination of the ritual, Satanic practices break to stretch and sing “Take Me Out To The Baal Game”. 2.) Your mission is to create a video game where Mario Batali is Super M...

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1.) We are at a point where a candidate is saying “the polls are wrong because the people getting polled are just ashamed to say they like me”. 2.) I don’t know enough about The Walking Dead to m...

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1.) I’m not sure where the line is between thinking it over and over thinking is I just know I’m on that latter side. 2.) Filmmakers don’t call before-the-bar drinking “pre-gaming”, we call it “e...

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1.) Comedy is in some ways is an autopsy of culture. Picking through the owl pellets society leaves, reconstructing skeletons of meaning. 2.) Actually, they were all wrong. It wasn’t Superman at ...

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1.) Legal/medical/cop procedurals are weird, their strict structure often keeps them from being unwatchable but also from being actually good. Television drama is hard for me these days because I...

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1.) Your rap-version of Rapunzel will prove once and for all that using a pun that only adults will get isn’t good for a kids’ movie. 2.) If your horror porno comedy isn’t called HAM STROKER’S DR...

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1.) We spoke to each other before we knew how to write. If what you’re writing doesn’t scan as spoken words, revise. 2.) Of course gender’s fluid. Cis, trans, 2-spirit, whatever you are, we’re al...

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1.) If you get Sean Connery drunk enough, he speaks in a clear steady Middle-Atlantic accent. You’d swear he was from Maryland or Delaware. 2.) There’s so much said for successes who fear themsel...

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1.) Isn’t a buy one get one free deal at a seafood restaurant really just squid pro quo? 2.) New York State needs more colleges named after role-playing character classes, considering we already ...

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1.) You will put one of those beer helmets on over a cheap Frankenstein costume and refer to yourself as “Drinkinstein”. 2.) Stallone’s line of herbal supplements will be called “Ginkgo Balboa”. ...

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1.) You might wonder where the magazine interview with Mark Mothersbaugh is but, as we all know, the Devo’s in the Details. 2.) You can claim you’re a good golfer all you want but the proof is i...

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1.) I want you to remake key scenes from TERMINATOR except replacing Arnold with a Teddy Ruxpin. 2.) This terrible election makes me mourn the fact that Hunter Thompson isn’t around to comment on...

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1.) “Putinesque” and “Puttanesca”, the stew served in Italian brothels, are nearly the same words because Language Is Wise. 2.) One advantage we have is that the cruelest also tend to be out of t...

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1.) Robots are a lot like bad movies, loads of fun unless they’re self-aware. 2.) I hope some kid out there has an imaginary friend named The Struggle so she or he can argue that The Struggle is ...

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