Entries 3,460
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128
1.) To this day I’m still surprised that Ben and Jerry didn’t double down on Cherry Garcia’s success with “A Touch of Grape”. 2.) The Lion King, all the way through, no changes except Poomba has ...
127
1.) Asked for a preliminary opinion, the coroner could only reply “remains to be seen”. 2.) Crossfit’s hard but the worst part is when they drive the nails in. 3.) A tee-shirt with a picture...
126
1.) Fascism is fundamentally about disregarding reality & replacing it with artifice that supports their hate. Remember that when engaging them. 2.) Call the pants you wear to Disney World yo...
124
1.) If you ever need to tell someone you’re heading off to a bed and breakfast, just type “BRB BNB”. 2.) Remember: all appointments & laws enacted by a “president” installed by foreign espion...
jan23
1.) Now you have to make Meta-Krispie Treats by making Rice Krispie Treats out of Rice Krispie Treats cereal. 2.) The “Come Together Let-Down” is the psychological reaction to thinking a great so...
122
1.) The attempt to eradicate the flu is something of a cold war. 2.) Your film about a dystopian future where actors are only allowed to play man-children until 40 will be called SETH ROGEN’S RUN...
119
1.) Realize: whenever you use the letters “BAMF” for “badass mofo” I will never think that and always first think of Nightcrawler teleporting. 2.) Sometimes I just wanna watch delusional mall nin...
117
1.) The skill-set focused on the care of rock-eating monsters is called “hortaculture”. 2.) You want my ten albums I was listening to a lot as a teenager thing? Sure. Melon Collie and the Infinit...
post-tramiversary barrage
1.) You didn’t just vote that one day. You vote every day you actively resist the normalization of hatred & greed. Or of course when you don’t. 2.) By undermining the very notion of ethical g...
post-cold barrage
1.) All terrible white “redneck rappers” like Kid Rock should now be collectively referred to as “Meth Head Man”. 2.) Dianetics and Diuretics being so close together is great because they’re both...
113
1.) If you’re of the orientation “aromantic”, that’s fine, do you do, but maybe pick a term that isn’t easily confused with “aromatic”. 2.) Fuse the Bechdel Test and the Turing Test, see if you c...
112
1.) Throws open the doors of Heisenberg High School: “WHO’S IN CHARGE HERE?” A bystander yells back “I’M NOT SURE!” 2.) Whenever facebook says “such-and-such was live”, I always want to wistfully...
111
1.) Jesus always got away with leaving the door open. “What, were you born in a barn?” is not so effective when your answer is “YES”. 2.) After every clean colonoscopy, you should get to throw a ...
janx
1.) It’s the height of arrogance to believe things happen “for a reason” to teach you but without it, it’s hard to function in society at all. 2.) dear facebook memories, please stop remindin...
jan9
1.) “Prilosec Omeprazole, NPR Boston” 2.) It was just as he feared, after years of fraternity keg stands, he’d finally torn his brotator cuff. 3.) Tell people your Potterverse House is Puffn...
jan8
1.) Far less popular was the sequel about alien patissiers, SPACE EXTRUDERS. 2.) The failure of the LEAGUE OF EXTRAORDINARY GENTLEMEN film denied us a LEAGUE OF EXTRAORDINARY GENITALS porn parody...
jan7
1.) A viable alternate title to TWILIGHT would be DUNCES (WITH WOLVES). 2.) Gumby’s overly clean-cut storylines spared us of the episode where his mother discovers his stash of CLAYBOYS. 3.) I ho...
jan6
1.) “Temporary profile pictures”, facebook? On a cosmic scale, that’s the only kind. 2.) Trying to win a ground war on horseback these days is a tankless job. 3.) Biologically, we’re no smarter t...
jan5
1.) My recurring dreams are starting to cross over, cameo in each other, blur into a “cinematic universe” of my nightmares, it’s unsettling. 2.) The crowning achievement for the porn-parody indus...
jan4
1.) If you find the works of Cronenberg erotic, that’s just bawdy horror. 2.) Secretly, honey badger cared a lot. Honey badger cared too much and tried to hide behind a protective facade of don’t...
jan3
1.) They proposed tax cuts for the elder gods in hopes they might show mercy on us and called it “paganomics”. 2.) The little girl loved pretending to put on lipstick but it was all a pigment of ...
jan 2
1.) In Soviet Russia, mullet is party in front AND back, party is EVERYWHERE! 2.) Fittingly, the Hangover movies were like actual hangovers. Funny the first time, the second irritating, the third...
1117
1.) Solitude itself a kind of offering, to the angry god of lonely, in hopes after you leave your hermitage, you won’t have to be alone anymore. 2.) Just because it was trojan horsed onto a perve...
nye barrage
1.) They call him Bobby Flay but I’ve never seen him violently separate Guy Fieri’s skin from his flesh so, like, false advertising. 2.) Irony: because actively showing displeasure for something ...
new years eve eve barrage
1.) Your DEATH RACE sequel set in a zombie apocalypse with points for every hit zombie will, of course, be titled CANNIBAL RUN. 2.) Has there been a Harry Potter Chia Pet? Did they call it Hairy ...
Book Description
originally, I went to college to be a comedy writer
the urge to still generate short form ideas remains
I collect, once or twice a day, my one-liner jokes
and my germs of ideas that I litter on social media
into little collections I call “barrages”
and then I put them here
sometimes
