this was an experience i had about two days ago. i took a walk to the weed store and bought a joint. same night i wanted to start this journal but things get done slowly when your mind is overwhelmed by these kinda drugs. so call me crazy or my experience invalid either way I’ll disregard that negative sentiment as best i can. so i wanted to kick this journal off with a belief of love. in order to heal the world we need to be honest to the point of scary. and love each other in spite of the shame we carry. so here i am full shame and potential psychosis intact.
so to my experience. after finishing the joint I felt overwhelming love and connection and wanted to share it with the world somehow (this journal being the result) and i was trying to make an online journal like this but was having trouble, at first i thought make a website, then i though make a blog, but i stumbled here and its not the best ever but its all i wanted really. journal and comments. halfway through making an account for random places i took a break to watch videos on youtube and hit a joe rogan podcast clip about this developing tension of war and weighed thoughts of nuclear threat. again high, this was a recipe for disaster. my paranoia spiraled out of control and i was 80% sure there would be nuclear launch aimed at America within the night. i called a suicide hotline number and a mess i spoke sheepishly im just scared of dying im too high and watched too much news. she directed me to watch a funny movie on netflix or hulu or whatever. satisfied with that answer i hung up, turned on netflix, and it kept having errors, so naturally i assumed everyone is suicidal tonight we are a nation of pansies being told to watch an overcrowded netflix to distract and soothe in light of national panic. so freaking out again without a plan i decided to get into the shower which is where the psychedelia began. i prayed to god for safety because i felt death was near. that i was sorry for the life ive led. all the porn ive jerked it to, all the fucks i didnt give to a world in need of fucks. my resulting thought was if this is my last day i better start living meaningfully. i live with family, who had decided to go to the gym, (odd how people seemed very productive that night i took a walk and a shower, they cleaned their room ran errands and went to the gym must be some kinda signal that the overlords are saying live life now cause its time to start worrying about its end)
so i got out of the shower and decided my younger family member asleep at the time shouldnt be alone if this is endgame. i got in my bed next to his sent all my love to him and kept praying and being afraid that every bump in the night was a far off explosion. i felt like my mind and body were being sapped of energy to help with the crisis , like morse code messages being sent straight to my brain. help. things are dire.
the fear of death was real. and in its light i found that i was not proud of my life. i was lazy, unmotivated, addicted. god please dont judge my heart its not really me. and i felt a presence above the universe reaching down to earth saying its time to change. you will fear and not live after death if you keep yourself the same as you are now. you will be judged that cannot be changed. only you can change what must be changed, yourself. this wasnt in words so much as a pressure on my spirit.
so ive now vowed again to stop idolizing porn. and to ask myself how can i live more meaningfully. im still kinda emotionally poor. lazy, motivation issues ego etc so it is an uphill battle. war is still a real threat, and judgement an eventuality. now i have a reason to go uphill called the fear of god. so this is now my mountain to climb wish me luck and god please be with me
Loading comments...