Theater of the Bizarre in Book Six: Trying to Hold On 2019

Let’s take things back to Saturday.

Wife is upstairs crying as she is doing book stuff. I am downstairs playing video games trying to power through. Am I going to miss her? Hell yeah. Do I still love her? Of course. Do I need emotional and physical elements in my marriage? Yes. So, this is the only way forward. Part of the mathematics behind all of this is: The harsh pain of hurting my wife now; or the continued misery of being in a marriage that doesn’t meet my needs? When analyzed that way? It actually seems pretty clear, yeah? Cut her loose to live her life, free yourself from the misery, and see how things end up.

She was quiet for a few hours upstairs and I figured she was collecting herself. Instead, she came downstairs and was about to ask something but she saw that my pants were unbuttoned and unzipped and quickly apologized and turned to go back upstairs. I stopped her and asked her to stop and asked if something was up. She said, “I was going to ask if I could just sit down here with you, but I can see it is a bad time.” I stopped her and explained that often I’m lounging with my pants undone like that; doesn’t mean I’m masturbating. (Kind of hurt and surprised there that after living together for 8 years, she doesn’t know that). So she stayed downstairs and just… spent time. Definitely one of those experiences where I’m thinking “You’ve never done this before. I get that you’re going to miss me, and that’s sweet. But taking time out of your day to sit with me… where has that been our entire marriage?” After about twenty minutes, she stood to go back upstairs to keep working on homework. I thanked her for coming down; she thanked me for letting her sit with me.

At around midnight on Saturday, I crept upstairs to grab a blanket. I figured that for the first night, I would sleep downstairs. Avoid any arguments about who gets which bed or where the dog sleeps and all of that. Just stay in my basement and make things easier. As I got upstairs? I saw Wife asleep on the couch upstairs having fallen asleep watching television. The dog, of course, was in the middle of the main bed, asleep. I grabbed a blanket and went back downstairs; programming my computer to play calming music in hopes that I would have a dreamless sleep.

I awoke at 4 a.m. in a cold sweat. Not from dreams; but simply from body temperature that was having issues regulating. I perused prosebox and e-mail and wasted an hour or two. I heard some movement upstairs and, as it was 7:00, I went up to give the dog food. I didn’t check to see if Wife was still on the couch or not. Just fed the dog and went back downstairs. Fell back to sleep.

Woke up again at 10:00 a.m. Nala was on the far end of the couch in the basement. Wife was sleeping next to her. So… how do I do a visual? Allow me to try:
Our basement couch is a sectional… Left Side is a chaise (long chair) then a few seats connecting to the perpendicular seating section. Nala was sleeping on the chaise; Wife was on the few seats; and I had been sleeping on the perpendicular section. I quietly cleaned a few things then went back to sleep where I had been sleeping. When I awoke again in a few hours, I was alone again in the basement.

After a few hours downstairs, Wife came down to check on things. She asked if I would be cool to give the dog a walk at 3 and if she could accompany. And then, she said, if it was okay… maybe we could play a game or something afterwards. Frankly, I figured sure. I mean… all of this really, actually, reinforces for me what I’ve been thinking the whole time. Without romantic emotional connection and without physical passionate connection… I mean, the ultimate truth is that we’ve been living as friends and roommates the whole damned time already. Quite literally, while she is living in the house, the only thing that changes is we don’t sleep in the same bed. So she stayed upstairs doing homework; I stayed downstairs doing computer work and playing video games and playing with the dog. At 3, we took the dog for a walk. Talked a little bit about schedules… she’s going to leave for her parents for Thanksgiving on Wednesday morning, leave the dog, I’ll go to my parents with the dog later that night. She told me the good news from her parents… her father’s prostate cancer check came back negative. She told me that she had let her parents know about our change in status. That they were really curious about why. I joked, “Did you tell them it is because I’m an asshole?” And she quickly said no, but didn’t elaborate on what she did tell them. I didn’t press her more on the subject. We got to City Hall, paid our Monthly Utilities. Walked back. She went back to homework; I went back to doing computer work and playing video games and playing with the dog. At 7:00, I went upstairs to feed the dog. Nuked some leftovers and plated them- one for her, one for me. We ate dinner while watching TV, our DVR list viewing. Again… things are “like normal”… which, I’m not stupid enough to ignore. There is the worry that Wife thinks, “If things are like normal, than we can just stay this way” when the truth, for me, is that “Things are like normal, which is why we have to be honest about what we do and don’t have.” After dinner, we played cribbage while watching Rick and Morty. It was an excellent episode. And then I went to bed in the guest room. I set up my CPAP, got into bed. Wife stayed in the dining room doing homework. Nala came in to the guest room, jumped up onto the bed, and curled up next to me to fall asleep.

When I woke up this morning, Nala was still curled up with me in bed. I snuck into the main bedroom to grab some clothes. I noticed that Wife’s laundry, which I had set on the bed after unloading the car Saturday, had been pushed to my side of the bed. So she was sleeping in her usual spot and my spot, which would normally have my body weight there; was filled but with laundry. Maybe having something there as opposed to nothing there helps her sleep. And now I’m here at work.

The two things swirling in my head right now?
(1) How and when do I tell my boss/co-workers? Like… I’m friendly and personable. I put people at ease. These people know my Wife. They’ll make comments like “What are you and Wife doing for Christmas?” And… we’re not close enough that I can “open up and let everything out” but we’re close enough that I will need to honestly tell them at some point “We’re getting separated.” So that is in my head.
(2) Possessions. I know it is kind of a dick move to think about possessions when one of the longest relationships in my life is ending; but it comes up. We still don’t know if Wife is going to need/want an apartment or live with her folks. We still don’t know if she is going to sign up for 2nd Semester Community College or leave and find a job to support herself. There are a lot of very practical things up in the air. And as I consider those? I start thinking things like:
The dinning room table upstairs and the dinning room table downstairs both came from Wife. Will those need to be replaced? The coffee table came from Wife. We own 3 beds; which one(s) will she take/claim and when/how can I replace? Like… I’m trying to imagine what the house will look like after she leaves and how much of what she takes with her will I need/want to replace as soon as I can.

Honestly, that’s where I am in this whole thing. The truth is… for me, the lack of emotional and physical has already cemented that we don’t have a marriage. Hell, even as much fun as Hawaii was… the fact that in paradise free of worry there was no… moment… no holding each other or sharing a hammock or passionate sex or comfortable sex or lazy making out… there was no… marriage indication. So… my worries right now? Are almost entirely pragmatic. Oh, I’m still going to cry my eyes out when Wife lets the reality of all of this hit her. When, after Thanksgiving, we have the talk of “Separation versus Divorce; legal differences and practical realities”… I’m sure that is going to be emotional, draining, and painful. But genuinely? The emotional “I’m losing her” I think already hit me all of last week. My “letting her go” has already happened. The future tears and sobs and heartbreak? That will stem from the empathy and the concern about our friendship. I’ve already said goodbye to my Wife. Saying goodbye to my friend… and watching my friend go through something this painful… that is where my heart breaks now. Everything else is practical and legal details that will certainly be hard, possibly expensive, and inconvenient as hell… but I don’ think I’ll start sobbing about “loss” when the furniture starts disappearing.